Values are a very personal and early acquisition. We, as a people, very rarely question our own, deep, values precisely because they are the very foundation of who we are. It is a difficult question to even imagine, let alone ask, seriously analyze, and even, if I could be so preposterous, change. We see all the time how our own values are different or in direct opposition to the other people's we meet. It is more obvious from different cultures, yes, but no two people have exactly the same values. We can even take that statement for granted, because it is so obviously true.
Yet we never approach the idea of knowing or changing our values in any real way. In fact, if I let myself be a little conspiracy theoristic, I'd even say the way our society is built is precisely so that our core values are never touched upon in any kind of interaction. The results of our values, yes, and many heated arguments are had, but when it comes to the values that make up our very lifestyles and world views we rarely speak or even think of them.
I have tried to live my life in such a way that I take nothing for granted and even reason out the very nature of all my thoughts and actions, but even with this natural tendency I take my central-most values for granted as truths that should not, cannot, be considered or questioned.
That is, in a lovely and terribly paradox, the exact opposite of what my core values are - namely to take nothing for granted and reason out the very nature of my thoughts and actions. The question then becomes - why do I value what I do? my values are very fundamental. Learning, knowledge, and understanding is innately valuable. Morals are innately valuable. Thinking, logic, analysis, is innately valuable. Autonomy and happiness is innately valuable. Newness and differences are innately valuable. There are sets of values which are fundamental to the universe itself. Things that are permanent are valuable. Money, fame, temporary things, nonsense, immoral behavior, unoriginality and unhappiness are all things that are not valuable. I cannot even conceive of these things having innate value past them indirectly contributing to the things that I think do.
Why?
Why do I take these things for granted? How can I imagine something different when they seem to form the very basis, or at least be very close to the very basis of most of my thought. And how can I claim that these thoughts are any more valid than taking for granted that any random, fantastic thought, must be true. In short - where do I find or validate my most core thoughts, truths, beliefs, values, and morals? How can I even begin to evaluate them. Particularly since they are the tools I use for evaluation. How can I validate that logic is logical using logic? How can I say that happiness is good when good is perhaps defined by happiness? Or, in my case, that learning is good when good is defined by knowledge? (admittedly the idea is constructed in a more complex way, but ultimately, that is what I fundamentally believe and fundamentally cannot seem to find a way of thinking something else more true, or anything else true really)
Why do I know knowledge is better than ignorance? Really, why?
I can't claim to know it then. So why do I believe it? I guess because it makes me happier and it makes the world seem a stabler place which also makes me happier. But I don't value happiness, so it isn't quite just that. I value understanding. Not my own, but all understanding. I also value the way the understanding is acquired. And I have a specific value of how my values are balanced against one another. I was taught and born with this perception. And it would seem I am stuck with it until I find a way to compare it using someone else's method or discover my own.
How can you modify your own core thoughts, beliefs, values, morals, being?
I don't know, but I know it is part of my core thoughts beliefs, values, moral and being that I think/believe/value that humankind is nearly miraculous in it's ability to modify it's own thoughts beliefs values morals and beings. For better, or for worse.
24 July 2012
26 April 2012
Minecraft Malady
Yesterday I was stolen from.
I had only been at work for three days so it was hardly anything terribly valuable. I still can't decide how I want to react. If they had taken some of my things, even all the useful things, I wouldn't have cared a whit, and probably just kept going as I was. However, they took more than they needed, even going so far as to take my mushrooms, bowls, saplings, and more. They couldn't have used it all, or even carried it all, so they must have just pilfered it almost for pilfering sake. That is what puts me in this dilemma. I don't like being stolen from, but it's tolerable and can be pretty fun and challenging. But when all of my things are taken, even the ones that have a use pretty much for me, and me alone, it poses a problem.
What's more, I started to catch the sickness. I started to think about how I ought to take from other people. Not as much and not as callously, but I had an itch that now it was my right to go around stealing. It would only be fair. Thankfully that fit passed soon. I can think of a few solutions - go and locate some places that is distant so I will be stolen from less often. Hide or include traps so it becomes more and more difficult to steal from me. Just make everything convoluted and difficult to get to or find...
I still want to be raided. I think it would be interesting and fun. However I want to keep some things safe and I do not ever want to be stolen from indiscriminately again. Warnings and signs can't work because being forceful would encourage the behavior and there's no grantee anything less will have any effect whatsoever.
This really did have an almost malicious flavor to it. Not really directed at me, but a sense that they think everyone else is below them and they want to take for takings sake.
I was lucky, that on a whim I decided to hide my most important cache only earlier that day.
For now I am content to point out that stealing *everything* only makes it so that I will not replace it as soon or as much.
But the dilemma remains - should I relocate to remain hidden from all? Should I decide to hide only the most important and expect that everything else may disappear? Should I place traps just to see?
///// I decided to hide things which works well enough. Unfortunately I haven't hidden my base all that well, so if they decide to grief it, I won't be able to do much about it. The next change is the fact that I am building a huge structure made out of wood. I want it to be near spawn so people see it. Otherwise I would just make it on my singleplayer. Well, it has been burnt twice. It takes just a few clicks and it undoes hours of work. What's more I now know I am on a server with a regular griefer. Or, I should say, some kind of immature boy who has got something to prove, but doesn't know how. And he has two to four friends who follow along with a similar mentality.
I think I am resolved just to build it repeatedly. Same for the interior decorations (an arboretum) I may request a few things from the next mod that comes on. Either a supply of pine wood, or fire to be disabled, or my building to be protected. Once I finish it completely once I will photograph it, maybe show Tekker, and then not maintain it. (except perhaps a lazy sort of frame until it is destroyed beyond repair.)
/////
The end result is that the griefers turned from griefers to cheaters. I hid my caches, only to have them detected using a cheat instantly and destroyed. I built my structure only to have it burned over and over with no materials to replace it. (It takes about 6 hours to construct and 12 hours to finish I suspect. There wasn't even enough time to do that. I did request assistance from a mod, but due to me getting distracted and them not replying immediately, I never tried again. (sorry) I did have fun with learning about how the griefers think and I did come up with a really fascinating idea for grief-proof structures. Interestingly my small speaking up got myself noticed by Tekker and 88 whom added me to their steam friends. (!) What a surprise for incredibly asocial, lurker, me. Too bad I don't play any other games they play, else I would try crashing their party or at least speaking up once again. (knowing me literally, "once" again.)
I had only been at work for three days so it was hardly anything terribly valuable. I still can't decide how I want to react. If they had taken some of my things, even all the useful things, I wouldn't have cared a whit, and probably just kept going as I was. However, they took more than they needed, even going so far as to take my mushrooms, bowls, saplings, and more. They couldn't have used it all, or even carried it all, so they must have just pilfered it almost for pilfering sake. That is what puts me in this dilemma. I don't like being stolen from, but it's tolerable and can be pretty fun and challenging. But when all of my things are taken, even the ones that have a use pretty much for me, and me alone, it poses a problem.
What's more, I started to catch the sickness. I started to think about how I ought to take from other people. Not as much and not as callously, but I had an itch that now it was my right to go around stealing. It would only be fair. Thankfully that fit passed soon. I can think of a few solutions - go and locate some places that is distant so I will be stolen from less often. Hide or include traps so it becomes more and more difficult to steal from me. Just make everything convoluted and difficult to get to or find...
I still want to be raided. I think it would be interesting and fun. However I want to keep some things safe and I do not ever want to be stolen from indiscriminately again. Warnings and signs can't work because being forceful would encourage the behavior and there's no grantee anything less will have any effect whatsoever.
This really did have an almost malicious flavor to it. Not really directed at me, but a sense that they think everyone else is below them and they want to take for takings sake.
I was lucky, that on a whim I decided to hide my most important cache only earlier that day.
For now I am content to point out that stealing *everything* only makes it so that I will not replace it as soon or as much.
But the dilemma remains - should I relocate to remain hidden from all? Should I decide to hide only the most important and expect that everything else may disappear? Should I place traps just to see?
///// I decided to hide things which works well enough. Unfortunately I haven't hidden my base all that well, so if they decide to grief it, I won't be able to do much about it. The next change is the fact that I am building a huge structure made out of wood. I want it to be near spawn so people see it. Otherwise I would just make it on my singleplayer. Well, it has been burnt twice. It takes just a few clicks and it undoes hours of work. What's more I now know I am on a server with a regular griefer. Or, I should say, some kind of immature boy who has got something to prove, but doesn't know how. And he has two to four friends who follow along with a similar mentality.
I think I am resolved just to build it repeatedly. Same for the interior decorations (an arboretum) I may request a few things from the next mod that comes on. Either a supply of pine wood, or fire to be disabled, or my building to be protected. Once I finish it completely once I will photograph it, maybe show Tekker, and then not maintain it. (except perhaps a lazy sort of frame until it is destroyed beyond repair.)
/////
The end result is that the griefers turned from griefers to cheaters. I hid my caches, only to have them detected using a cheat instantly and destroyed. I built my structure only to have it burned over and over with no materials to replace it. (It takes about 6 hours to construct and 12 hours to finish I suspect. There wasn't even enough time to do that. I did request assistance from a mod, but due to me getting distracted and them not replying immediately, I never tried again. (sorry) I did have fun with learning about how the griefers think and I did come up with a really fascinating idea for grief-proof structures. Interestingly my small speaking up got myself noticed by Tekker and 88 whom added me to their steam friends. (!) What a surprise for incredibly asocial, lurker, me. Too bad I don't play any other games they play, else I would try crashing their party or at least speaking up once again. (knowing me literally, "once" again.)
15 April 2012
Mind and Matter (Convoluted Communication)
Kant believes as I do that intention, meaning, will and internal reality is more important - morally speaking - than actual results. There is a lot about Kant that I can't speak for, but I know that often I do things specifically to alter my feelings or opinion about something. I mention this because it frequently leads me to good decisions and morals, but it also can make things very difficult and/or cause everyone involved all kinds of problems. A simple example would be that I have a necklace I shaped a positive meaning for, so while I wear it I draw strength from it, fortifying my own mind and attitude. It makes it easier to think in a better, "wholer" way. And an example for the other direction would be how I have such difficulty beginning conversations. I wonder at my own reasons for doing so, the response, how I'd react to the response, and all the rippling implications it could have until it is unbearably important. Then I cannot say a thing because it would be wrong to do something I think of as so important and cause all kinds of trouble for myself and others by my overblown imaginings, when I should believe that it is altogether a small affair. It is easy for me to act so, but I have to believe so too to avoid generating harm.
Sometimes on my way back to my room from class, I will stop and do something for the sake of doing it more than anything else. Sometimes it is stopping to watch the clouds or the wind or the birds. Often I have a logical reason, but usually what causes me to do it is more than a reason. It's usually my own brand of spiritual and the only religion I live by.
The frame of mind will emerge suddenly, unprovoked, and when I feel it I always follow it in one way or another. Occasionally I will be unable to pursue it in the most natural way - going off to watch the sunset for example - but I can instead whisper in my mind regrets and promises while letting the experience as I have the limited time to feel it, wash over me. Usually I do have the chance to set aside everything else and fall into the experience completely. It's more than reason, it's more than emotion; though they both play a large part in it. I can feel the wonder of the entire world, marvel at all its logical feats of greatness, but it's not just that. It is profound, it's tied to Truth as I most value it, and it is a sense of oneness. Not connectedness, for that would imply separate parts linked together, but a sense of how everything is intimately the same. How I fit into the world, how the world fits around me. How everything is unimaginably large and cruelly complex while also being surprisingly easy, simple and personal.
Black and white is wrong. Perspective, openness, and sight make it easy to see how everything is not one thing, but many. Almost all our words are applied as if they are absolutes, but even the smallest side-steps in perception make it obvious that nearly nothing we describe as absolute, is. I dislike this attitude and ignorance of the multiple perspectives almost as much as I love to learn more and enjoy as many perspectives as I can for everything I encounter.
I used to think that is was obvious to everyone that there are always 10 sides to any one thing, and that for practical purposes they had found a good way of approaching things in life and just set aside the other viewpoints for practicalities' sake. I thought my interest and childish love of toying with as many perspectives as possible was known, shrugged off, and just acknowledged as just my quirky personal enjoyment. Some comments made by a muni I know, (I still consistently avoid saying muni's name to others, even when speaking to myself. There are many reasons for this, some of which I know, many of which I don't.) however, have made me wonder if perhaps this interest of mine is unique in it's strength but also it it's existence.
This makes me lonely and sad to imagine. Do so few enjoy the benefits of knowing multiple perspectives on everyday things? Though if it were true I'd also feel like I have something valuable that comes easily which I can share with others.
This composition has a stream of consciousness element to it. All of the things I have mentioned so far I think are related in a fundamental way, however I am having difficulty voicing exactly what it is. My caring and desire to see every side of a thing as often as I can, is very closely linked to those instances in which I can enjoy the profound sense of meaning in anything in an almost spiritual mood that comes upon me. This too is not unconnected to the way mind and perception matters more than simple actuality.
I'd turn down any good thing if taking it would mean I would taint my mind for it, and if I could find a way to accept it without scratching my sensibilities then no harm would be done, and I would do it. Even if the actions themselves are identical or opposite in all cases.
If you are imagining direct implications then that is not what I am talking about. It's not like the simple case of - "if I accept this bribe money I can save 100's, but I would be doing a bad thing and feel guilt for a long time afterwards" No. My thoughts would be more like, "If I accept this bribe money and save hundreds, would I be doing the best thing in this circumstance? Yes? Then I will do so." I may feel guilt after the fact, but I sincerely doubt it. I believed I was doing the right thing with the knowledge I had at the time. Whether or not I am doing a bad thing doesn't matter in the end, just that I act in the best faith I can. Nor does the knowledge of doing "something" wrong matter much, as long as it is the best option.
I guess I would look at both option, weigh the good and bad results of each (guilt for promoting bad actions and benefiting strangers, no guilt, no promotion of bad behavior, and no ability to benefit those strangers) then base the entire decision on doing what I believed was right. I would not find preventing bad action on my part to overrule everything, for fear that I will ruin my mind in this way. Nor would I consider the reality of actually helping those 100 strangers the important part of the decision. Rather my belief in it and my intention to choose the best option I had would determine the actions morality and course. For this same reason I am determined to make the choice I believe is right always and without fail. Only then would I feel guilt and then I would have really hurt my mind in an irreparable way.
Then, what I am saying comes down to this: the reality of something being bad or not does not matter. My belief that it is good or bad does. Simultaneously, it does not matter if I do something bad or sacrifice something good if it for the sake of intending something better. Knowledge after the fact to the contrary is mostly if not completely irrelevant.
All of this I think simple and obvious, (though not necessarily easy to comprehensibly voice) but I am not sure it's so.
Sometimes on my way back to my room from class, I will stop and do something for the sake of doing it more than anything else. Sometimes it is stopping to watch the clouds or the wind or the birds. Often I have a logical reason, but usually what causes me to do it is more than a reason. It's usually my own brand of spiritual and the only religion I live by.
The frame of mind will emerge suddenly, unprovoked, and when I feel it I always follow it in one way or another. Occasionally I will be unable to pursue it in the most natural way - going off to watch the sunset for example - but I can instead whisper in my mind regrets and promises while letting the experience as I have the limited time to feel it, wash over me. Usually I do have the chance to set aside everything else and fall into the experience completely. It's more than reason, it's more than emotion; though they both play a large part in it. I can feel the wonder of the entire world, marvel at all its logical feats of greatness, but it's not just that. It is profound, it's tied to Truth as I most value it, and it is a sense of oneness. Not connectedness, for that would imply separate parts linked together, but a sense of how everything is intimately the same. How I fit into the world, how the world fits around me. How everything is unimaginably large and cruelly complex while also being surprisingly easy, simple and personal.
Black and white is wrong. Perspective, openness, and sight make it easy to see how everything is not one thing, but many. Almost all our words are applied as if they are absolutes, but even the smallest side-steps in perception make it obvious that nearly nothing we describe as absolute, is. I dislike this attitude and ignorance of the multiple perspectives almost as much as I love to learn more and enjoy as many perspectives as I can for everything I encounter.
I used to think that is was obvious to everyone that there are always 10 sides to any one thing, and that for practical purposes they had found a good way of approaching things in life and just set aside the other viewpoints for practicalities' sake. I thought my interest and childish love of toying with as many perspectives as possible was known, shrugged off, and just acknowledged as just my quirky personal enjoyment. Some comments made by a muni I know, (I still consistently avoid saying muni's name to others, even when speaking to myself. There are many reasons for this, some of which I know, many of which I don't.) however, have made me wonder if perhaps this interest of mine is unique in it's strength but also it it's existence.
This makes me lonely and sad to imagine. Do so few enjoy the benefits of knowing multiple perspectives on everyday things? Though if it were true I'd also feel like I have something valuable that comes easily which I can share with others.
This composition has a stream of consciousness element to it. All of the things I have mentioned so far I think are related in a fundamental way, however I am having difficulty voicing exactly what it is. My caring and desire to see every side of a thing as often as I can, is very closely linked to those instances in which I can enjoy the profound sense of meaning in anything in an almost spiritual mood that comes upon me. This too is not unconnected to the way mind and perception matters more than simple actuality.
I'd turn down any good thing if taking it would mean I would taint my mind for it, and if I could find a way to accept it without scratching my sensibilities then no harm would be done, and I would do it. Even if the actions themselves are identical or opposite in all cases.
If you are imagining direct implications then that is not what I am talking about. It's not like the simple case of - "if I accept this bribe money I can save 100's, but I would be doing a bad thing and feel guilt for a long time afterwards" No. My thoughts would be more like, "If I accept this bribe money and save hundreds, would I be doing the best thing in this circumstance? Yes? Then I will do so." I may feel guilt after the fact, but I sincerely doubt it. I believed I was doing the right thing with the knowledge I had at the time. Whether or not I am doing a bad thing doesn't matter in the end, just that I act in the best faith I can. Nor does the knowledge of doing "something" wrong matter much, as long as it is the best option.
I guess I would look at both option, weigh the good and bad results of each (guilt for promoting bad actions and benefiting strangers, no guilt, no promotion of bad behavior, and no ability to benefit those strangers) then base the entire decision on doing what I believed was right. I would not find preventing bad action on my part to overrule everything, for fear that I will ruin my mind in this way. Nor would I consider the reality of actually helping those 100 strangers the important part of the decision. Rather my belief in it and my intention to choose the best option I had would determine the actions morality and course. For this same reason I am determined to make the choice I believe is right always and without fail. Only then would I feel guilt and then I would have really hurt my mind in an irreparable way.
Then, what I am saying comes down to this: the reality of something being bad or not does not matter. My belief that it is good or bad does. Simultaneously, it does not matter if I do something bad or sacrifice something good if it for the sake of intending something better. Knowledge after the fact to the contrary is mostly if not completely irrelevant.
All of this I think simple and obvious, (though not necessarily easy to comprehensibly voice) but I am not sure it's so.
13 April 2012
NH2 - Update on Emily's Voice
So far the project has been going very well. I actually have a lot of content put together, even though I'm not sure how the entire thing will be when it is finished I am pretty impressed with the pieces of it I have scraped together so far.
I have learned a lot about how much the console cheat codes permit. I have learned quite a bit more about audio editing and I'm just learning some of the things the video program I am using lets me do. Every corner I turn I end up hitting up against a technical limitation. It is absolutely impossible for me to record my own content despite how much I really really want to. Even if it is really poor quality, I want to do it, and I have worked out a few ways (though tedious) which would show what I want to take place.
But, while I am not happy about not being to record, each other obstacle I encounter has been fun to work around. I can't seem to make the exact sound effects I had in mind for her voice, but I have had fun toying around with the options and found that really the only shifts that I needed was a bit of echo and a bit higher pitch. (I don't sound very girly) Then, for the video editing I can't add clips, but fading over to screenshots looks like it will work well for now. There is a lot that I want Emily to be shown doing personally, and I'm pretty upset that I can't think of a way to have Emily/player vision, but for now there will be at least some stuff I can show. If worst comes to worst I can just have her narrating her actions while there is either the protagonist vision, blackness, or representative images. Unfortunately it's not behaving the way I would expect when I try to do two layers of visuals, but the fadeout is fun and easy to create and I'm sure its just because I have overlooked something in the control scheme of the editing program.
I've been surprised how easily the material is to create. Adjusting levels of volume was really problematic for a long time, but then I discovered where the option is within the video editing program. It sounds pretty good, and most of it I don't have to sync up much either. Just recording it, then overlaying it and my vocalization seems to be at a good speed and match where I wanted it to be anyway. I'm probably over optimistic since I am only a little ways in and doing the same thing over and over isn't a good idea for the entire production. It is going to be quite long and tedious to do the entire thing. Hopefully I can tell a good story from Emily's point of view, gradually working in more varied content, and still have it flow alright. I can already tell that I will have plot holes that will make me unhappy. Mostly I feel like just being hopefully and counting on luck. It's been good.
Wait a second. I think Steam has a video record option. Maybe that would be easier on my system than the x-split I have been using. I should at least see if that is an option before I give up on recording motion pictures.
Maybe I'll record some of my plans and though processes next time I write about it. I have a lot of ideas and concepts all mixing around in my mind. Any of them could be included and any of them could be changed or discarded, but it might be fun to write down all the half-baked editions too.
I have learned a lot about how much the console cheat codes permit. I have learned quite a bit more about audio editing and I'm just learning some of the things the video program I am using lets me do. Every corner I turn I end up hitting up against a technical limitation. It is absolutely impossible for me to record my own content despite how much I really really want to. Even if it is really poor quality, I want to do it, and I have worked out a few ways (though tedious) which would show what I want to take place.
But, while I am not happy about not being to record, each other obstacle I encounter has been fun to work around. I can't seem to make the exact sound effects I had in mind for her voice, but I have had fun toying around with the options and found that really the only shifts that I needed was a bit of echo and a bit higher pitch. (I don't sound very girly) Then, for the video editing I can't add clips, but fading over to screenshots looks like it will work well for now. There is a lot that I want Emily to be shown doing personally, and I'm pretty upset that I can't think of a way to have Emily/player vision, but for now there will be at least some stuff I can show. If worst comes to worst I can just have her narrating her actions while there is either the protagonist vision, blackness, or representative images. Unfortunately it's not behaving the way I would expect when I try to do two layers of visuals, but the fadeout is fun and easy to create and I'm sure its just because I have overlooked something in the control scheme of the editing program.
I've been surprised how easily the material is to create. Adjusting levels of volume was really problematic for a long time, but then I discovered where the option is within the video editing program. It sounds pretty good, and most of it I don't have to sync up much either. Just recording it, then overlaying it and my vocalization seems to be at a good speed and match where I wanted it to be anyway. I'm probably over optimistic since I am only a little ways in and doing the same thing over and over isn't a good idea for the entire production. It is going to be quite long and tedious to do the entire thing. Hopefully I can tell a good story from Emily's point of view, gradually working in more varied content, and still have it flow alright. I can already tell that I will have plot holes that will make me unhappy. Mostly I feel like just being hopefully and counting on luck. It's been good.
Wait a second. I think Steam has a video record option. Maybe that would be easier on my system than the x-split I have been using. I should at least see if that is an option before I give up on recording motion pictures.
Maybe I'll record some of my plans and though processes next time I write about it. I have a lot of ideas and concepts all mixing around in my mind. Any of them could be included and any of them could be changed or discarded, but it might be fun to write down all the half-baked editions too.
08 April 2012
Nightmare House 2 - A Different Take
So I am a great fan of Nightmare House Two. I think the team did a fantastic job of creating a horror game. (and it is a mod, which makes it even greater in my eyes) The combat is there, and used to good effect, but it doesn't get in the way of the experience. The pacing is good, if the transition to fps and back is a little jarring, when they get going they are great. The story is enjoyable, a bit cliche, but immensely satisfying and far above average. Unfortunately that isn't much of a compliment, but I really did like the storyline. I also did not have any problems with the scare tactics as I have not experienced many of the games it drew inspiration from, so I wasn't bothered by it ripping them off to an extent. (Condemned, Silent Hill, etc)
I recently saw a fantastic portrayal of the protagonist, voiced and brought to life.
After awhile, an idea began to eat at me. What if I did the same thing, but from Emily's perspective? The more time that passed, the more the idea grew on me. Emily is a large part of what I like about the game, and I want to explore her side. How she came to be misunderstood, and what her real feelings - both the admirable and the despicable - are. I want her story to be told.
The logistics are problematic. I have no experience modeling, animating, modding, or even video editing so I'll have to learn as I go or find ways to avoid them. It is a long game too, especially to record a full monologue for. My laptop is not powerful and probably would struggle to play the game seamlessly while recording. How could I present her side fairly, without showing it from her perspective - following the protagonist around and teleporting from location to location as she works. Should I try to modify the game itself to suit my needs? Is that even possible?
As it stands, here are my high objectives:
♦ Record the game as the protagonist making his way through the hospital and nightmares. I won't bother to record his thoughts, but I would need to perform actions as if he was really there. I was going to rip other people's plays of the game but they all act like they are playing a game - picking up computers, breaking cups, etc. I can do this hopefully quickly and crassly, and later re-record parts that need special attention, actions, or care.
♦ Record parts of the game as if I were Emily. Faithfully run where she runs, portray her spying on the rest of the level, and have "Emily Vision" where she can see what is real as well as what the protagonist is being made to hallucinate. Some of this will be no-clip material. Some will be just recording cuts. Some will likely need editing for effects.
♦ Attempt to use gmod tools and/or editing to insert the protagonist when he is being observed by her when she is outside his head. Hopefully I can have her "riding" him for most of it. After all, that seems like what she would be doing in an effort to help him, and because of her current state of existence.
♦ Perform all the voice-overs of her thoughts and attempts to communicate herself. Her hopes, her failures, her fears, her anger, and her caring. Modify her voice to be ghostly, but not too much. Perhaps adjust this as she gains and loses power.
♦ Do my best to keep to real events while possibly re-interpreting some of it. Adjust some things (like the random events) as needed, but keep the source material as intact and faithful as possible.
♦ Explain all her actions, which are hers and which are Romeros, and add some content to fill in some of the gaps in the narrative. Also really delve into her character, past, and current powers/existence.
♦ Consider cutting parts of the game that are less story driven or where she wouldn't be present. This also can be used to effect when she "loses" the protagonist and has to try to find him again after being elsewhere or fading out of existence etc.
So that is the outline. It's pretty hugely ambitious for me to attempt, but it could be really grand in its final cut too.
I think I'd find it really rewarding to complete. Mostly to illustrate Emily's story, even if I cannot perform well the visual portrayal of it. I'll think about doing it. Hopefully I'll at least get a proof of concept done.
Thanks for everything, wecreatestuff dev team. You've really created amonster masterpiece.
(Also, definitely check out their soundtrack music, if you won't play the game itself. It's pretty epic and just what I was in the mood for listing to while working tonight.)
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UPDATE
///////////
My laptop is unable to record any kind of quality of gameplay. This means I will have to wait until I return to being able to access my desktop, will have to use online footage, or will just record the voice-overs of Emily for now and perform some combinations melding of footage at a later date. Right now I think I will try once more to find good footage of gameplay and work with that as I record, but my chance of success is slim.
//////////
UPDATE
/////////
So it looks like creating npcs, modifying movement for Emily vision, and various other tweaks are much much easier than I had imagined. There are several things that I cannot do, but many things that I can - so that I think I can really capture some excellent footage to help give her point of view. I also intend to make her vision blurred and fragmented to cover up my inability to record, and I think that maybe it will improve the overall product in the end.
I was pretty successful finding good footage for the protagonist's point of view as well. That is already downloaded. It looks like I will need a script and some plans for how to record and portray Emily's POV next.
Playing around with the dev controls was extremely entertaining and insightful.
I recently saw a fantastic portrayal of the protagonist, voiced and brought to life.
After awhile, an idea began to eat at me. What if I did the same thing, but from Emily's perspective? The more time that passed, the more the idea grew on me. Emily is a large part of what I like about the game, and I want to explore her side. How she came to be misunderstood, and what her real feelings - both the admirable and the despicable - are. I want her story to be told.
The logistics are problematic. I have no experience modeling, animating, modding, or even video editing so I'll have to learn as I go or find ways to avoid them. It is a long game too, especially to record a full monologue for. My laptop is not powerful and probably would struggle to play the game seamlessly while recording. How could I present her side fairly, without showing it from her perspective - following the protagonist around and teleporting from location to location as she works. Should I try to modify the game itself to suit my needs? Is that even possible?
As it stands, here are my high objectives:
♦ Record the game as the protagonist making his way through the hospital and nightmares. I won't bother to record his thoughts, but I would need to perform actions as if he was really there. I was going to rip other people's plays of the game but they all act like they are playing a game - picking up computers, breaking cups, etc. I can do this hopefully quickly and crassly, and later re-record parts that need special attention, actions, or care.
♦ Record parts of the game as if I were Emily. Faithfully run where she runs, portray her spying on the rest of the level, and have "Emily Vision" where she can see what is real as well as what the protagonist is being made to hallucinate. Some of this will be no-clip material. Some will be just recording cuts. Some will likely need editing for effects.
♦ Attempt to use gmod tools and/or editing to insert the protagonist when he is being observed by her when she is outside his head. Hopefully I can have her "riding" him for most of it. After all, that seems like what she would be doing in an effort to help him, and because of her current state of existence.
♦ Perform all the voice-overs of her thoughts and attempts to communicate herself. Her hopes, her failures, her fears, her anger, and her caring. Modify her voice to be ghostly, but not too much. Perhaps adjust this as she gains and loses power.
♦ Do my best to keep to real events while possibly re-interpreting some of it. Adjust some things (like the random events) as needed, but keep the source material as intact and faithful as possible.
♦ Explain all her actions, which are hers and which are Romeros, and add some content to fill in some of the gaps in the narrative. Also really delve into her character, past, and current powers/existence.
♦ Consider cutting parts of the game that are less story driven or where she wouldn't be present. This also can be used to effect when she "loses" the protagonist and has to try to find him again after being elsewhere or fading out of existence etc.
So that is the outline. It's pretty hugely ambitious for me to attempt, but it could be really grand in its final cut too.
I think I'd find it really rewarding to complete. Mostly to illustrate Emily's story, even if I cannot perform well the visual portrayal of it. I'll think about doing it. Hopefully I'll at least get a proof of concept done.
Thanks for everything, wecreatestuff dev team. You've really created a
(Also, definitely check out their soundtrack music, if you won't play the game itself. It's pretty epic and just what I was in the mood for listing to while working tonight.)
////////////
UPDATE
///////////
My laptop is unable to record any kind of quality of gameplay. This means I will have to wait until I return to being able to access my desktop, will have to use online footage, or will just record the voice-overs of Emily for now and perform some combinations melding of footage at a later date. Right now I think I will try once more to find good footage of gameplay and work with that as I record, but my chance of success is slim.
//////////
UPDATE
/////////
So it looks like creating npcs, modifying movement for Emily vision, and various other tweaks are much much easier than I had imagined. There are several things that I cannot do, but many things that I can - so that I think I can really capture some excellent footage to help give her point of view. I also intend to make her vision blurred and fragmented to cover up my inability to record, and I think that maybe it will improve the overall product in the end.
I was pretty successful finding good footage for the protagonist's point of view as well. That is already downloaded. It looks like I will need a script and some plans for how to record and portray Emily's POV next.
Playing around with the dev controls was extremely entertaining and insightful.
28 March 2012
Stealth in Games
[[unpolished post]]
I can't figure out exactly why I love stealth games as much as I do.
The funny thing is, I have not played that many, and I arrived at that conclusion after playing only one game - Thief 3. (To date I have played Thief 3, Beyond Good and Evil, Fallout3, and Splinter Cell)
So how and why did I come to be so married to stealth in games? It was a mystery to me, weakly explained by my love of first person and my enthrallment with the idea of getting to planning ahead and strategize. I would mention things like how I liked to explore and see every corner and detail included by the developers as possibly part of the explanation, but I couldn't really tie down why I find them intrinsically so much more appealing.
Well, I just discovered another reason, which may be an even more central cause. In stealth games inaction is an option. Therefore every action is a conscious choice.
At any time I can leave the area to hide in a safer zone, or I can weigh the benefits of charging ahead and into danger.
Becoming involved itself is a meditated choice I make, or do not make. I can either sneak by while the guard is standing there, peg him now, or wait until I know he will leave his post.
This has an enormous effect upon me. Suddenly, the act of playing the game itself is immersive. While I still easily break the immersion by making a game-y choice (eg, I don't care if I die, lets run past anyway) operating in the game world can't be avoided.
How is this different from, say, a shooter, an rpg, or any other genre? Well, it probably has to do with control. In an rpg, the encounters, the loot, your attacks, as well as the overall plot are all fixed, random, or otherwise out of my control. It is very limiting in this way and I am consistently aware of playing a game. I can still enjoy it, but only as a game, not as a world important to me.
(Being too aware that I am playing a game is a huge problem I have. It frequently makes games un-enjoyable for me and I can't seem to shake it, even when I really want to)
Playing an fps, on the other hand, is much more immersive for me because I am constantly making decisions right down to which gun and how I move. While the plot is still fixed and the world around me is very regimented, I can still feel like I am at least a real entity operating within in the game world. The game world, unfortunately, often conspires to make me remember it is a game. We've all walked into an open area spotted a few health packs, and immediately known: "This means a boss is coming." The fences, enemies, events, or lack thereof constantly force me to act in a specific way. This is great for tailoring an intended experience while still letting the player choose when and where to move, and I fully appreciate it. But it still makes it oh so easy for me to spot game mechanics.
A tiny lag - must be a checkpoint. Danger ahead.
A new weapon? Must be a new enemy or section of game head.
Oddly quiet? Must be a build up for a bigger battle or an extended puzzle.
Once that battle is finished, I can count on a restock and a plot point or a quieter section.
A new building model? Must be important later.
A locked door? Chances are I'll be questing for a key.
Character is the average good guy? Probably going to die later.
Character cares too much about something? They will probably betray you for it later.
Lots of chest high walls? Prepare for enemies.
Bright light? Probably supposed to head that direction.
The list goes on and on. And I always notice them. I think about how to take advantage of every little thing, trying to beat the game instead of enjoying it.
Stealth games, for me, make the entire game lose its boundaries in a way other games do not.
I can use any number of methods to overcome him, or I can just avoid the guard altogether. Taking note of all the game mechanics is what I am supposed to do, and therefore they are concealed a little more aesthetically - particularly since I have the time to stop and notice them. The environment is part of gameplay instead of just a part of forcing the player into gameplay. They are challenges and obstacles instead of guides. I can be playing to beat the game, and still find it enjoyable. I also have far more control over who I am and what choices I make. The world still contains me, but that is both because it is supposed to, and because I am the one who is unable.
As I said before - more strategy, more environmental importance, more exploration, more sense of being inside the game world (immersion). And on top of it all, I also am consciously and intuitively choosing how to play the game as part of the game. All of these together mean that stealth games are games that I can wholesomely enjoy where other games I lose enjoyment of.
Not only to I get to choose how to act, but whether to act at all. Be it for economic, moral, or enjoyment reasons, I can choose to act in exactly the way I want. And without "breaking" the game. Sure, in a shooter I can force my will upon the game and demand that I use my pistol against a gunship, but the game breaks when I choose to do that. The game will become contorted and deformed. I will most certainly die hundreds of times, it will not be fun, it will not be a good difficulty, and it will be not the same game. In stealth games, any method is an option and the game does not break when you choose alternative methods. Of course you can still break the game - running through a level with the expectation of being cornered eventually and dying, but often you can get away with any tactic and still find a way to accomplish your goal. Or at least make it back to safety to try again once the heat has died down.
I can't figure out exactly why I love stealth games as much as I do.
The funny thing is, I have not played that many, and I arrived at that conclusion after playing only one game - Thief 3. (To date I have played Thief 3, Beyond Good and Evil, Fallout3, and Splinter Cell)
So how and why did I come to be so married to stealth in games? It was a mystery to me, weakly explained by my love of first person and my enthrallment with the idea of getting to planning ahead and strategize. I would mention things like how I liked to explore and see every corner and detail included by the developers as possibly part of the explanation, but I couldn't really tie down why I find them intrinsically so much more appealing.
Well, I just discovered another reason, which may be an even more central cause. In stealth games inaction is an option. Therefore every action is a conscious choice.
At any time I can leave the area to hide in a safer zone, or I can weigh the benefits of charging ahead and into danger.
Becoming involved itself is a meditated choice I make, or do not make. I can either sneak by while the guard is standing there, peg him now, or wait until I know he will leave his post.
This has an enormous effect upon me. Suddenly, the act of playing the game itself is immersive. While I still easily break the immersion by making a game-y choice (eg, I don't care if I die, lets run past anyway) operating in the game world can't be avoided.
How is this different from, say, a shooter, an rpg, or any other genre? Well, it probably has to do with control. In an rpg, the encounters, the loot, your attacks, as well as the overall plot are all fixed, random, or otherwise out of my control. It is very limiting in this way and I am consistently aware of playing a game. I can still enjoy it, but only as a game, not as a world important to me.
(Being too aware that I am playing a game is a huge problem I have. It frequently makes games un-enjoyable for me and I can't seem to shake it, even when I really want to)
Playing an fps, on the other hand, is much more immersive for me because I am constantly making decisions right down to which gun and how I move. While the plot is still fixed and the world around me is very regimented, I can still feel like I am at least a real entity operating within in the game world. The game world, unfortunately, often conspires to make me remember it is a game. We've all walked into an open area spotted a few health packs, and immediately known: "This means a boss is coming." The fences, enemies, events, or lack thereof constantly force me to act in a specific way. This is great for tailoring an intended experience while still letting the player choose when and where to move, and I fully appreciate it. But it still makes it oh so easy for me to spot game mechanics.
A tiny lag - must be a checkpoint. Danger ahead.
A new weapon? Must be a new enemy or section of game head.
Oddly quiet? Must be a build up for a bigger battle or an extended puzzle.
Once that battle is finished, I can count on a restock and a plot point or a quieter section.
A new building model? Must be important later.
A locked door? Chances are I'll be questing for a key.
Character is the average good guy? Probably going to die later.
Character cares too much about something? They will probably betray you for it later.
Lots of chest high walls? Prepare for enemies.
Bright light? Probably supposed to head that direction.
The list goes on and on. And I always notice them. I think about how to take advantage of every little thing, trying to beat the game instead of enjoying it.
Stealth games, for me, make the entire game lose its boundaries in a way other games do not.
I can use any number of methods to overcome him, or I can just avoid the guard altogether. Taking note of all the game mechanics is what I am supposed to do, and therefore they are concealed a little more aesthetically - particularly since I have the time to stop and notice them. The environment is part of gameplay instead of just a part of forcing the player into gameplay. They are challenges and obstacles instead of guides. I can be playing to beat the game, and still find it enjoyable. I also have far more control over who I am and what choices I make. The world still contains me, but that is both because it is supposed to, and because I am the one who is unable.
As I said before - more strategy, more environmental importance, more exploration, more sense of being inside the game world (immersion). And on top of it all, I also am consciously and intuitively choosing how to play the game as part of the game. All of these together mean that stealth games are games that I can wholesomely enjoy where other games I lose enjoyment of.
Not only to I get to choose how to act, but whether to act at all. Be it for economic, moral, or enjoyment reasons, I can choose to act in exactly the way I want. And without "breaking" the game. Sure, in a shooter I can force my will upon the game and demand that I use my pistol against a gunship, but the game breaks when I choose to do that. The game will become contorted and deformed. I will most certainly die hundreds of times, it will not be fun, it will not be a good difficulty, and it will be not the same game. In stealth games, any method is an option and the game does not break when you choose alternative methods. Of course you can still break the game - running through a level with the expectation of being cornered eventually and dying, but often you can get away with any tactic and still find a way to accomplish your goal. Or at least make it back to safety to try again once the heat has died down.
24 March 2012
Knowing Not
"
It does sound corny. But that is only because I have never experienced anything close to the pain you have inside you. That is only because there are other people out their who want attention and jabber this story out to get people to give them things. But when this story is real. That is when it rips my heart apart and makes me see how terrible the world is in the dark forgotten corners that everyone tries to pretend don't exist.
I am one of the lucky ones. One of the few that has a ridiculously perfect life. And I know it. All that I can do is offer to do anything I can for you.
Right now the only thing I can say is never ever give up hope, because then you have lost yourself. Keep hoping. Keep trying. Never stop. Thank heavens that you wrote this. That you realize that maybe you need to listen to someone, that maybe you need help.
And don't tell me that this confession makes you weak. That is a complete lie. Please, start searching, start finding a way to change your life for the better. If nothing else wake up from your sweet dreams and tell yourself that you are you. You will not give up. You will make a path for yourself and you will live. Live because it is worth it. Because it is always worth it.
I know it is worth it.
I am here.
I am listening.
"
I wrote that probably about four, or so, years ago. I know I have had a sheltered life. That I don't know anything when it comes to hardship, wrongness, or suffering. I have never experienced an encounter with death. I don't know gangs, or violence, or desperation.
I think myself strong of mind and I think I could understand someone who knows those things, even if I couldn't understand the experience of those things themselves.
I am lucky in so many ways. I have never known real pain or fear. I have always been cared for. I am rich, perhaps not in the strict sense of amount of money, but I have definitely always had everything I ever wanted.
I've easily been myself my entire life, with hardly any opposition for it. ( Though what little I have had, never touched me. )
So, innocent lily that I am, I still think I can judge the world with a clear, knowing mind. I still think I can understand others who have seen what I have not, and I still think I know more than them.
And I still feel no emotion for most reality, only for concepts and ideals.
Its probably abnormal. It probably means that I am either something out of time and place, or maybe I can claim to be ahead of my time. (Hopefully still unbelievably primitive compared to what kind of thinking the future will bear)
I think I experience life deeper than everyone around me. That I see the beauty and the pain in colors hidden from others. That I care about the things that matter more than flat reality, the ideas behind them that give them essence. I think I know just how much the world isn't magic, but senseless reality. I think I know what is real and what is fake and what to think in the face of it all anyway.
But it could all be fallacy. I could just be a foolish child who knows nothing and never will. One who will not even know that I know nothing.
And even that, I lie in thinking I know what to think of in the face of anyway.
How lamentable that there is no way out.
It does sound corny. But that is only because I have never experienced anything close to the pain you have inside you. That is only because there are other people out their who want attention and jabber this story out to get people to give them things. But when this story is real. That is when it rips my heart apart and makes me see how terrible the world is in the dark forgotten corners that everyone tries to pretend don't exist.
I am one of the lucky ones. One of the few that has a ridiculously perfect life. And I know it. All that I can do is offer to do anything I can for you.
Right now the only thing I can say is never ever give up hope, because then you have lost yourself. Keep hoping. Keep trying. Never stop. Thank heavens that you wrote this. That you realize that maybe you need to listen to someone, that maybe you need help.
And don't tell me that this confession makes you weak. That is a complete lie. Please, start searching, start finding a way to change your life for the better. If nothing else wake up from your sweet dreams and tell yourself that you are you. You will not give up. You will make a path for yourself and you will live. Live because it is worth it. Because it is always worth it.
I know it is worth it.
I am here.
I am listening.
"
I wrote that probably about four, or so, years ago. I know I have had a sheltered life. That I don't know anything when it comes to hardship, wrongness, or suffering. I have never experienced an encounter with death. I don't know gangs, or violence, or desperation.
I think myself strong of mind and I think I could understand someone who knows those things, even if I couldn't understand the experience of those things themselves.
I am lucky in so many ways. I have never known real pain or fear. I have always been cared for. I am rich, perhaps not in the strict sense of amount of money, but I have definitely always had everything I ever wanted.
I've easily been myself my entire life, with hardly any opposition for it. ( Though what little I have had, never touched me. )
So, innocent lily that I am, I still think I can judge the world with a clear, knowing mind. I still think I can understand others who have seen what I have not, and I still think I know more than them.
And I still feel no emotion for most reality, only for concepts and ideals.
Its probably abnormal. It probably means that I am either something out of time and place, or maybe I can claim to be ahead of my time. (Hopefully still unbelievably primitive compared to what kind of thinking the future will bear)
I think I experience life deeper than everyone around me. That I see the beauty and the pain in colors hidden from others. That I care about the things that matter more than flat reality, the ideas behind them that give them essence. I think I know just how much the world isn't magic, but senseless reality. I think I know what is real and what is fake and what to think in the face of it all anyway.
But it could all be fallacy. I could just be a foolish child who knows nothing and never will. One who will not even know that I know nothing.
And even that, I lie in thinking I know what to think of in the face of anyway.
How lamentable that there is no way out.
18 March 2012
Five Leaves
I watch anime.
And, while I don't watch a ton, I have definitely racked up quite a number of shows over the years.
Most of the anime I watch is probably of the more uncommon or unpopular variety with a few obvious exceptions. I find that I enjoy the more serious and slower paced ones, often with science fiction elements. Of course I don't always watch or even enjoy the same types all the time, but I definitely have a tendency to prefer complicated, dark, slow, and thought-provoking anime. I hope that some of the best ones I come across I'll be able to share one day with someone else who will enjoy them for what they are just as much as I. I'd have so much to talk to them about, I would think.
In any case, House of Five Leaves is a 12 episode anime that is fairly unusual. Though it takes a traditional premise - a samurai, down on his luck, gets involved in a gang that performs kidnappings, and then he begins to suspect that there is more here than meets the eye - it feels and tells a story that is very unique, unusual, and interesting. And I would argue, wholly enjoyable.
There are no magical elements. What coincidences that still occur retain their feeling of reality. The characters are each fleshed out, no so much in a variety of emotions, but at least in terms of interesting back story. Being a work of fiction, their backgrounds are abnormally interesting, but they don't cross the line to extremely fantastic and they are composed of a good variety of sources and events.
I guess I am most impressed by this anime because the entire way through it felt dreamlike, but so very plausible. All of it I could believe without feeling like I had to force myself to think - "give it some leeway, it is a story. It is an anime. It is just trying to be impressive or climatic." None of that. I never once had to make excuses for it, and that is far far more than most anime. Most anime, nay most stories, (even the good ones) I have to forgive for various transgressions when they shoehorn in to increase the stakes for the sake of excitement. While I admit that this anime wasn't very exciting, I still cared about the story and didn't every feel cheated, played, disgusted or forced to be charitable.
House of Five Leaves is exactly what it means to be. It doesn't need to apologize for trying to be something it is not. If you don't like it, you won't like it and there is no way around it. It stays true to itself the entire way through and doesn't change its characters, plot, pacing, or style at any point.
Another way it isn't a lie, is that it doesn't try to push some moral or meaning onto its events or characters. Everything involved is not necessarily completely good, nor completely bad. While the villains are ruthless outlaws for the money, so are the good guys for the most part. It is a fine line between right and wrong, when there is a line to be seen at all. This means that you don't get a feeling of victory when a heist is completed successfully, nor when an enemy is killed. Just as it ought to be. The entire anime has the effect of dulling your senses, both from the neglect of definitive values and also from the slow pacing and general apathy. You would think this could only be bad, but it is what House of Five Leaves is, and what I appreciate about it. It doesn't ever give a concentrated feeling of being real, in the sense that many "gritty" books and movies do, but all the elements that make it up, right down to the amount of exposition, are very realistic.
The House of Five Leaves is an odd bird.
It's characters aren't terribly intriguing. The plot isn't harrowing. The mood isn't thick. The music, while nice, isn't amazing. It is told in a dreamlike manner, but still realistically. It has grey morality without making you question your core values. I can't pin down why this anime is so good, nor can I really claim that it is altogether really good. I can say that it stands out compared to the glut of terrible stories. I can say that it is very unique and has many good qualities.
I just can't give a solid reason why I recommend it as being good. Nor why I liked it quite as much as I did.
I do know that I want to watch it again. I feel like its meaning is not direct.
More than that.....It's like...
House of Five Leaves is about second Truths. Not the kind of Truth that beckons us to act. But the kind of Truth that directs how we choose our compromises. Not the type of Truth that defines us, but the type of Truth that is forced to exist because we can't meet the definitions. It is still pure, it is dirtied beneath reality, messiness, and complexity, and thus not absolute Truth.
House of Five Leaves doesn't try to speak about these second Truths directly, but I feel like they hang in a fog all through it. I don't think I can ever know a Second Truth. The closes I can get is to just graze by them, and maybe become familiar with them in that way. I don't think I'll ever be able to put these ethereal concepts in words since they are made of of all the degrees of Truth between Truths, but I do think that by watching it again once or twice more they will seep in to fill the cracks between things I "know" in my mind. .
Maybe some day you will watch it and you will know what I mean.
I hope so.
And, while I don't watch a ton, I have definitely racked up quite a number of shows over the years.
Most of the anime I watch is probably of the more uncommon or unpopular variety with a few obvious exceptions. I find that I enjoy the more serious and slower paced ones, often with science fiction elements. Of course I don't always watch or even enjoy the same types all the time, but I definitely have a tendency to prefer complicated, dark, slow, and thought-provoking anime. I hope that some of the best ones I come across I'll be able to share one day with someone else who will enjoy them for what they are just as much as I. I'd have so much to talk to them about, I would think.
In any case, House of Five Leaves is a 12 episode anime that is fairly unusual. Though it takes a traditional premise - a samurai, down on his luck, gets involved in a gang that performs kidnappings, and then he begins to suspect that there is more here than meets the eye - it feels and tells a story that is very unique, unusual, and interesting. And I would argue, wholly enjoyable.
There are no magical elements. What coincidences that still occur retain their feeling of reality. The characters are each fleshed out, no so much in a variety of emotions, but at least in terms of interesting back story. Being a work of fiction, their backgrounds are abnormally interesting, but they don't cross the line to extremely fantastic and they are composed of a good variety of sources and events.
I guess I am most impressed by this anime because the entire way through it felt dreamlike, but so very plausible. All of it I could believe without feeling like I had to force myself to think - "give it some leeway, it is a story. It is an anime. It is just trying to be impressive or climatic." None of that. I never once had to make excuses for it, and that is far far more than most anime. Most anime, nay most stories, (even the good ones) I have to forgive for various transgressions when they shoehorn in to increase the stakes for the sake of excitement. While I admit that this anime wasn't very exciting, I still cared about the story and didn't every feel cheated, played, disgusted or forced to be charitable.
House of Five Leaves is exactly what it means to be. It doesn't need to apologize for trying to be something it is not. If you don't like it, you won't like it and there is no way around it. It stays true to itself the entire way through and doesn't change its characters, plot, pacing, or style at any point.
Another way it isn't a lie, is that it doesn't try to push some moral or meaning onto its events or characters. Everything involved is not necessarily completely good, nor completely bad. While the villains are ruthless outlaws for the money, so are the good guys for the most part. It is a fine line between right and wrong, when there is a line to be seen at all. This means that you don't get a feeling of victory when a heist is completed successfully, nor when an enemy is killed. Just as it ought to be. The entire anime has the effect of dulling your senses, both from the neglect of definitive values and also from the slow pacing and general apathy. You would think this could only be bad, but it is what House of Five Leaves is, and what I appreciate about it. It doesn't ever give a concentrated feeling of being real, in the sense that many "gritty" books and movies do, but all the elements that make it up, right down to the amount of exposition, are very realistic.
It's characters aren't terribly intriguing. The plot isn't harrowing. The mood isn't thick. The music, while nice, isn't amazing. It is told in a dreamlike manner, but still realistically. It has grey morality without making you question your core values. I can't pin down why this anime is so good, nor can I really claim that it is altogether really good. I can say that it stands out compared to the glut of terrible stories. I can say that it is very unique and has many good qualities.
I just can't give a solid reason why I recommend it as being good. Nor why I liked it quite as much as I did.
I do know that I want to watch it again. I feel like its meaning is not direct.
More than that.....It's like...
House of Five Leaves is about second Truths. Not the kind of Truth that beckons us to act. But the kind of Truth that directs how we choose our compromises. Not the type of Truth that defines us, but the type of Truth that is forced to exist because we can't meet the definitions. It is still pure, it is dirtied beneath reality, messiness, and complexity, and thus not absolute Truth.
House of Five Leaves doesn't try to speak about these second Truths directly, but I feel like they hang in a fog all through it. I don't think I can ever know a Second Truth. The closes I can get is to just graze by them, and maybe become familiar with them in that way. I don't think I'll ever be able to put these ethereal concepts in words since they are made of of all the degrees of Truth between Truths, but I do think that by watching it again once or twice more they will seep in to fill the cracks between things I "know" in my mind. .
Maybe some day you will watch it and you will know what I mean.
I hope so.
16 March 2012
Developer for Life
So I was just kind of messing around on the internet, doing a hundred things, all of which don't really matter all that much. Well, I was listening to an ExtraCreditz episode. I wasn't even watching it fully, though I was listening to it closely enough (while looking at other things) to really hear every word. This is a bit odd for me since I used to watch every ExtraCreditz with full attention, and near when they were released too. Well I managed to get behind and for some reason, was so intent on escapism that I didn't even want to commit my attention to an entertainment video. (truly, they are farrrr more than a simple entertainment video, but wording is for communicating more than just fact)
Here is what I was listening to.
What amazed me, was that even in this half-dormant state of mind, their message crystallized in me so easily.
Truly, it was an episode on how to be a good developer, and the message was essentially: go out and do things until you know everything there is to know - but really they were touching on a subject that I have had hanging over my head in all manner of ways: How to be the best I can be, and who exactly do I want to be anyway?
Their words on being a developer encouraged me that I really could become a developer if I wanted to set out to become one. While I didn't think I had the character traits to be a real leader (I don't) I was basing that on the way I haven't taken apart machines for fun, created a game for fun or written my own programs for fun yet. While those are true, many of the other critical aspects of a developer I do have. I do want to understand things from the bottom up. I do value other people's talents/ideas/methods and I do have some idea of how to communicate with a team. I do look at things and wonder how they work and I do like to research alternative ways to do things. I am willing to put in the time and effort to make something right, but I understand the need to say "enough is enough." I do have a wide variety of knowledge and I do have problem isolation and solving skills.
So, then, I lack two things. I basically knew it all along, but I am one step closer, by naming them clearly, to possibly moving forward and changing them.
The first is that I rarely ever take "the first step." I don't decide - okay! Time to do something! - and then go do it. I have very little self-initiative. This ranges from just getting out to explore the place I live, to building little projects, to contacting people, or just pursuing ideas.
The other thing that I do not do, is think of projects and then do them. I don't take things apart, or create new things. I don't come up with ideas and then see what I can make based on them.
Between these two I limit myself in a lot of ways. These are traits I admire in others. They are things that I see other people do and it makes me turn around and think about how much greater they are than I. But, in all honesty, they are traits that I really should and really can teach myself.
In some ways I don't want to. I like being the "shadow support" more than "the leader accomplishing goals." In other ways I know that there are things I am passionate about that I wish passively that I pursued and improved more often.
So, while I do believe I can start to cultivate these characteristics in myself and become a different person (one I admire more) because of it, there are two road blocks - ironically, the initiative to actually do it and also the /desire/ to do so. I don't know if I want to become that type of person even though I admire them and their work so much. I've been content to not be noticed, to be told ideas and then do the work without being the inspiration or seed that began the whole thing in the first place. I like being that unassuming person that is pushed by the tides, but also can whirl in and make a difference before fading away just as mysteriously. I like being the one without a dream or a goal, who is there to build up other people's without having my own grand ideas.
On the other hand, I can still be the friendly person who helps others while still possessing my own goals and strivings. There ought to be no reason not to want to become more of a leader and more of, well, someone who is amazing enough to actually do these incredible, unique, crazy, and worthy things.
I don't know.
I still don't know who I want to be or if I want to be something different.
Here is what I was listening to.
What amazed me, was that even in this half-dormant state of mind, their message crystallized in me so easily.
Truly, it was an episode on how to be a good developer, and the message was essentially: go out and do things until you know everything there is to know - but really they were touching on a subject that I have had hanging over my head in all manner of ways: How to be the best I can be, and who exactly do I want to be anyway?
Their words on being a developer encouraged me that I really could become a developer if I wanted to set out to become one. While I didn't think I had the character traits to be a real leader (I don't) I was basing that on the way I haven't taken apart machines for fun, created a game for fun or written my own programs for fun yet. While those are true, many of the other critical aspects of a developer I do have. I do want to understand things from the bottom up. I do value other people's talents/ideas/methods and I do have some idea of how to communicate with a team. I do look at things and wonder how they work and I do like to research alternative ways to do things. I am willing to put in the time and effort to make something right, but I understand the need to say "enough is enough." I do have a wide variety of knowledge and I do have problem isolation and solving skills.
So, then, I lack two things. I basically knew it all along, but I am one step closer, by naming them clearly, to possibly moving forward and changing them.
The first is that I rarely ever take "the first step." I don't decide - okay! Time to do something! - and then go do it. I have very little self-initiative. This ranges from just getting out to explore the place I live, to building little projects, to contacting people, or just pursuing ideas.
The other thing that I do not do, is think of projects and then do them. I don't take things apart, or create new things. I don't come up with ideas and then see what I can make based on them.
Between these two I limit myself in a lot of ways. These are traits I admire in others. They are things that I see other people do and it makes me turn around and think about how much greater they are than I. But, in all honesty, they are traits that I really should and really can teach myself.
In some ways I don't want to. I like being the "shadow support" more than "the leader accomplishing goals." In other ways I know that there are things I am passionate about that I wish passively that I pursued and improved more often.
So, while I do believe I can start to cultivate these characteristics in myself and become a different person (one I admire more) because of it, there are two road blocks - ironically, the initiative to actually do it and also the /desire/ to do so. I don't know if I want to become that type of person even though I admire them and their work so much. I've been content to not be noticed, to be told ideas and then do the work without being the inspiration or seed that began the whole thing in the first place. I like being that unassuming person that is pushed by the tides, but also can whirl in and make a difference before fading away just as mysteriously. I like being the one without a dream or a goal, who is there to build up other people's without having my own grand ideas.
On the other hand, I can still be the friendly person who helps others while still possessing my own goals and strivings. There ought to be no reason not to want to become more of a leader and more of, well, someone who is amazing enough to actually do these incredible, unique, crazy, and worthy things.
I don't know.
I still don't know who I want to be or if I want to be something different.
10 February 2012
The Greatest Speech Ever Made
Truly one of the greatest messages, one of the greatest moments in history, one of the greatest impacts you will ever experience...
And how did I learn about it?
A techno song that I thought was pretty good, and then I liked the lyrics. It began to work on me until I was feeling humanity's call to action shine through. Not long after I discovered the origin of the lyrics.
And now there are other versions - ones with more impact for the general public (now that the original has lost its original context and time period.) These are created by random citizens using their free time to orchestrate and improve on what came before.
And you know what? There is another version, one that touched me just as much.
And it makes me realize that video games will come to have incredible moments that will echo through the ages and change the world, bringing universal messages to the public in such a way that they will never forget that single moment. That second when something inside them shifted and they could see another shade of light in the world around them.
How wonderful that books, music, then movies, and soon games do this for us. I think each with their own method, but each with such capability to impact so strongly, and each with more or less ability to reach different kinds of people.
I am also reminded of SOPA and PIPA and how copyright has become pervasive and invasive to the point that it is threatening the ingenuity and desire to improve and share what other people have done.
These things exist because people want to share a vision, they want to create a message or spread a message or improve a message. They don't care about self benefit, they care about us. They care about the message and the audience and they want to do whatever they can to make us and this world of ours a little bit better.
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