29 June 2013

Outsider

I do not need people. I have never needed anybody and I have rarely wanted to be around others. This is patently different from not caring. I care deeply about others, almost against my will. I want to help people, teach them, comfort them, help them be happy and accomplish everything they want. But I do not hang around people for myself. I am indifferent. I like to be around people because I like to make them happier and I like to be around people to experience new and different ideas and ways of living. But I do not like to be around people for its own sake. Often I will do it purely for reasons of making people more comfortable around me so that they will not worry about me. I do care, somewhat, what people think of me, but only just. I do not care if they think me strange or alien as long as it does not bother them. This is probably difficult to understand so I will dwell on the point a bit.

If people think I am strange, I do not care. Not unless they are a bit afraid of me, or a bit worried for me. Then I care because I do not want to cause them any upset if I can help it. Thus, I will sometimes spend time with people in order that they understand that I am happy and healthy and not angry or volatile or dangerous. (Far from it!) This puts me in the peculiar position of caring so much for other people that these little details matter to me, but otherwise, I really do not care what people's opinions are of me, or indeed if I go weeks without company.

What I do care about are ideas. I love new perspectives and ideas and thoughts. I like to eavesdrop or discover what people think about as many topics as possible. I tire easily of repetitive topics such as small-talk, but I don't care how benign or extreme or bizarre another person's opinion is, as long as it is new to me, I would love to listen and maybe discuss. Politics, Religion, Art, Math, Science, Nature, Pet-Peeves, Sexuality, Drugs, whatever. I don't care if I disagree, it is hard to find things I will outright disagree about, and in fact it is most likely better if I do disagree. I will talk to all kinds of people about all kinds of things and be excited and interested and bend my mind to understand as much as possible. I will feel a more whole person for the opportunity and other people seem to enjoy talking to me about things because I listen and say what I think, but never belittle their position. Not because I am being polite (I am that too) but because I actually believe and am interested and value their thoughts for what they are. Even though they may not be mine.

So, in this way, I love all people much more than the average person. But in this way, I also do not love people. I love their unique ideas, but I cannot care for their whole or their choice in lifestyle unless it is a way of expressing their ideas.

Another thing I have discovered: While over the last several months I have become much more willing to tell people things that are important to me, I think I do not like the change. It is not because people are not accepting or because I feel the deeper fear-of-being-subverted manifesting. It is simply that I am most often disappointed by people more or less ignoring or not understanding the least bit how meaningful things are. They smile and agree and are happy to talk. But they are happy to talk, not happy of the ideas being communicated so much. Or at least that is what it seems like to me. It makes me feel more alone when I try to invite them to play my games, than when I play theirs.

Oh, I know sound as if I am arrogantly making myself out to be the one and only intellectual, but it is mostly because I do not have words for these types of feelings and concepts. I currently have an overabundance of vocabulary for "ideas, thoughts, meaning, newness, experience, philosophy, understanding" even though those merely cover the path I take to the "life-ness" of which I am trying to speak, and not the "grokking" itself so much. I could switch over to more art, religious, spiritual, and feeling words, but that would feel dishonest. It carries those meanings, and those words capture a very important part of it (maybe I ought to use them more than I do) but I am trying to explain and those words suggest that it is inexplicable. At least with these more parred down and dry and scientific words, I am able to approach how I come about the love-of-living that emerges, rather than just describing the joy of it, wholly detached from how I reach it.





Edit: Why do I always end up talking about myself? I am sorry to do this so overwhelmingly much of the time. I don't like it because it feels selfish (even though it (probably?!) isn't) and downright limiting. I do think that it is a sort of movement in life I am going through, so I'm not tempted to avoid it. I will simply let it pass in its own time or something, and try not to let it bother me overmuch. But it is too bad that I can only seem to speak of this topic so thoroughly when there are so many others I care about. I don't know why I don't think/write of them so much.
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Ergo Proxy - 15: Nightmare Quiz Show/Who Wants to Be in Jeopardy!


Nightmare Quiz Show

I really don't care what goes on in this episode past the cute references and the actual information dump. That's all I'll go over. Thanks.

It was Pascal who referred to man as a thinking reed.
The triangle's relationship between its legs and hypotenuse was discovered by Pythagoras. (Actually many other discovered it before him, but his writings are the ones that have been passed down through our history)
Sound is higher pitched as it approaches and lower pitched as it leaves. This is called the Doppler Effect. (The same as light waves being spread out for stars as the universe expands)
4 degrees Celsius is water's highest density.
Nobel invented dynamite.
Astronomical Unites or AU's are the distance between the earth and the sun.
The opening song is called Kiri by Monoral.


The "mistake" could be many things. It could be that the award is 450,000 points after two clues were revealed. (should be 500,000; 600,000 for the first clues, 550,000 for the second, 500,000 for the third) It could be calling the show QQQ instead of QQQQ.... or something else. I never found anything that seemed appropriate, those are other people's guesses.

"You ever seen a blue sky?" Is a strange thing to say. Then again, the domes have false ceilings and outside has always been shown as grey-brown overcast.

"Ergo Proxy" is "close," but the answer is "Proxy One." Who looks exactly like Ergo Proxy. This seems like nonsense, but why is such a nonsequittor mentioned at all? It makes it seem important, but right now it means nothing.
The best guesses that can be made at this point are things like: all the Proxy's look alike until they change their appearances, Proxy One and Ergo Proxy are brothers, Proxy One and Ergo Proxy are clones, Proxy One created all the other proxies, MCQ just used Ergo Proxy's picture to represent this other "Proxy One," MCQ is just messing with Vincent, because, (let's be honest) it's fun to mess with Vincent.

The WombSys image is described as: "Oh yes, it's alive. Although not quite. I don't want to give it all away, but it's not exactly alive. It looks like it's alive but it's a little different."
"moves and grows so it must be alive," this is patently not the definition of alive. Chemical reactions and machines can grow and move on their own. Reproduction and energy consumption are part of the definition of alive. Also possession of DNA and use of water, although none of these are definitive and none really capture what we mean when we think of "alive." Then again, can you think of a better definition?

"Yes, not that the fact is anyone's fault necessarily. I mean that nobody could have possibly foreseen what eventually happened. It took a lot longer for the planet's environment to restore itself to the proper conditions than the creators had expected. That's probably why their calculations got so messed up. Here's a hint. To survive what happened they needed to build themselves a huge dome.
" People, Mankind, Humans, Men and Women. "
No.
Then what are the dome citizens? Are they all autoreives? I would guess not exactly, they are biological, but biological constructs created in WombSys machines. Then they are not exactly alive nor humans. Still. If this rings as a remarkably limited view of alive or human, then you are not alone.

"The plan went into effect in a much harsher "Awakening Environment" than had been originally anticipated. What proved to be the greatest hurdle for the creators under these harsh conditions was the overabundance of data that had been preserved, particularly the "Origin of Species." Within the major cities the need to adapt to an ever changing and fiercely harsh environment was unnecessary. Therefore, despite the fact that they.... the original ... This law... despite their remarkable.... failing, the project was deemed defective. And the program was slated for elimination. But to admit failure, the creators had to acknowledge that the true failure was theirs. "

If you are confused, that's good. These "creators" seem to be the Proxy's, but then, who wrote "the Origin of Species"? Unless the Proxy's did before embarking on their task. And what is this "plan" and "Awakening?"

"Billions of years after the universe was created in the big bang a strangle little planet was born on the edge of an ordinary galaxy. The name of the planet would one day be "Earth." Pools of water began to form, becoming a miraculous ocean with seaweed and fish. Many strange things happened over the next few hundred million years. Later on dry land dinosaurs appeared. Thus began the law of the law of the jungle: eat, be eaten, or run away. Soon we came to the age of mammals. Here, our ancestors were born. In order to catch his prey, one of the ancestors by chance raises the bone he is holding. Yes, this is the moment when the first tool came into existence. (The image of the bone is a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey) Way to go humans!"

Confused again? Good. So these are humans. And they evolved naturally and are earthlings. So then, This universe takes place here and presumably our history is this history. But then how did the Proxies and current WombSys humans come around to existence and why is this an interference in "the plan" and furthermore what is "the plan"?

"The last tool they made. It's a big one. It was rushed. Not everyone could use it so it was a bit useless. It fostered widespread resentment. Someone used it to try to get away from earth. " "Rocket."

"The apocalypse is at hand. This is "mankind's last best hope" (the images and words here are a reference to my favorite TV show, Babylon5) of escape from a world that's heading for destruction. Humanity's very own trump card. Science had finally made interplanetary emigration possible. This would be the last tool manufactured here on earth. Completed through the fusion of ultimate wisdom, it was a spaceship built in geosynchronous orbit and referred to as the Evacuation Ship. The correct answer was the Boomerang Star. An interplanetary immigration ship built by humans long ago."

Alright. Things are coming together. Humans left earth, but not all of them. Somehow the balance of Proxy's and current autoreivs/humans came about afterwards. Maybe Proxies are the descendants of humans and made dome cities to replace what they lost.

"In the second half of the twenty first century the most promising alternative energy source to fossil fuels and nuclear power was made by compressed methane gas in solid form.
The answer was Methane Hydrate
The accumulated Methane Hydrate exploded in a chain reaction. What percentage of living creatures on planet earth were wiped out.
85%
The plan to restore the human population had a double letter acronym. The letters were what?
PP (Proxy Project)
What would the human race no longer need once their numbers had been restored on the planet?
Proxy
As a result of the double P plan or Proxy Project the number of Proxies that were released across the planet was ....?
300 proxies
What is the "Pulse of the Awakening." Think about your current situation.
Conclusion of the Proxy Project
Carl Gustav Jung was known as the author of Psychology and Alchemy. Jung was also know as the King of what
subconscious
Humanity had a second plan involving the current outbreak of the cogito virus, what was it called?
The Boomerang Project
The Egyption God Ra was the god of what. (Vincent: I don't know what that is)
The sun
Beethoven's 5th Symphony is commonly referred to as the what Symphony
It's Fate
A person who trains the mind is a teacher. What is someone that minds a train?
Conductor"


Answers without questions:
Failure. Schism. Escape/Contract. Substitute. Oblivion. Awakening. Fight. Enjoy. No. Labyrinth.
Always wins - "make sure you remember his face" - Proxy One.
This seemed odd before, but now it is doubly exaggerated.

"That's how it goes. I guess Proxies will fight how proxies will fight.
I think we really wrapped everything up well."


The announcement at the end was that "The enemy we are struggling to defeat seems to have originated from here. We need to put our heads together and take this out." Then the announcer disappears in a flash of blue light, like he has been killed as a Proxy, which makes sense since he is one.

Oooookay. There is not much to interpret here. It really is an information dump, but in case you weren't listening this is what was said.

Humans used Methane Hydrate as a fuel source, it built up and in an enormous explosion decimated the planet to 15% of its life. They then constructed their last tool on earth, an evacuation spaceship. This ship was not able to rescue everyone and caused a lot of havoc. It was called the Boomerang Star and was an interplanetary ship. (This indicates to me that it would reach another planet, but also return to earth)
The Proxy Project and Boomerang Project were started as well, one being the Proxies and their domes, the other being the cogito infection. The purpose of each is not clear. The humans on earth now are not "actual" humans and not quite "alive." And "The Pulse of the Awakening" is the end of the Proxy Project.... "Think about your current situation".....? There are a few problems though, the earth has not recovered as "the creators" (original humans) intended. Also their texts were persevered and probably gave the dome cities instability with their lessons of striving for greatness. Maybe this refers to the Proxies knowing them as well, and rebelling against their designated Project goals.

The final answer is Labyrinth, which may be a reference to the Labyrinth of mirrors that Vincent was in when he discovered himself as Ergo Proxy.
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I hate this episode. The information isn't terribly original and is not presented well. It's nice to have a history of this version of earth given, and lots more information about what is going on with Proxies. Vincent makes me laugh a few times. I still hate this episode a lot. That is about it.


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09 June 2013

Ergo Proxy - 14: Someone Like You/Ophelia


Someone Like You

This episode too is about love. But this time, instead of being about how to love another, it is about how to be loved or how to love yourself.
It's about acceptance and suicide.



......./////........

Re-L speaks of the world as being somehow fundamentally connected to her. That when she dies, it would die with her. Philosophically it's impossible to prove what it's like when you stop existing..... and it is true, at least for me, that self shapes the world just as the world can help shape the self. I believe it is George Berkeley and Hume that speak of how important perception and mind are in comparison to external reality, and indeed whether external reality is even existent or even possible to understood.

For conveniences' sake, I'll write the sequence of events in order.

Re-L sees the lake glittering, and goes to investigate it. While she's there she gets the feeling she is being watched.
Ophelia-Dome-Proxy, as Re-L, goes to the Rabbit and set it adrift so they are trapped in the dome.
Re-L returns, complains, asks for Ginger Ale, and leaves to stand watch without eating.
Vincent eats Pino's food.
Doppelganger visits Vincent and is given Ginger Ale.
Doppelganger visits Re-L, gives Ginger Ale, and is pushed off the roof when it approaches Re-L too eagerly. It repeats lines it has heard earlier like Echo from Narcissus. When it is turned away, it stops being interested in tricking Re-L and turns its attention to Vincent and Pino.
I think it is the real Re-L that gets locked in the storage room, the fake Re-L falls to the ground (hoping to get Vincent's attention and care).
The real Re-L confronts the real Vincent on the roof, then runs off to try and stop the doppelganger Proxy.
Instead she is captured by the Doppelganger as Vincent which takes Pino and Re-L to the lake. It decides to kill off Re-L since she is useless to it (like the rest of the dome's citizens) and hopes to gain Pino's attention. However, Pino realizes it is a fake and it decides to kill off Pino too, but fails because Pino is an autoreiv. (Please note that "kill off" is probably closer to preserve -- the way the other dome citizens were preserved.)
Meanwhile Vincent leaves the roof and goes looking for the others. He finds the ship is gone. Vincent then heads to the lake and confronts the Doppelganger.
Pino has already rescued Re-L from the lake, but Vincent finds doppelganger Re-L.
They have their discussions in the lake while Re-L and Pino watch from the banks.

The Doppelganger has reasons for each of its tricks. At first it is feeling out which person to try to replace and gain the love of another. It realizes replacing Vincent for Re-L is not going to work, (Re-L isn't very loving) then tries to replace Vincent for Pino, but is foiled again, (Pino knows what is going on and is an autoreiv). Next, it succeeds in securing Vincent's love, but, in anger or in sadness or in Awakening, it tries to kill Vincent.

The Doppelganger is never seen in its own body. It is only shown as it takes on the form of Re-L or Vincent... It has no form but those it mimics.

Vincent (as Ergo) sees an aerial view of the city as it used to be, while the Doppelganger speaks of its own past and Vincent re-lives his own in parallel: This seems such a small, inconsequencial sequence of events, but it speaks volumes to me. Once again the doppelganger has no past of its own, only able to express itself through Vincent's memories. Also, it speaks to me about how people are miraculously able to comprehend so much and so intimately, despite differences in lives, opinions, pasts, and perceptions. Vincent and the doppelganger both experienced entirely different lives until this moment, and yet they both underwent some of the same trials and understand the same emotions.... and so the words of the Doppelganger match Vincent's own experiences enough to bring then to light.

The words it uses are somewhat extreme and overstated, but if you take it with a healthy dose of re-interpretation and put it into philosophical contexts it becomes very interesting to me.

"No matter where we go, I'll never be accepted."
Are we ever accepted by anyone else? Or do we all ultimately use each other for our own benefits? Do we do things for pure altruism, or do we just seek the good things that result from helping one another; enjoying company, and seeking support. Do we support each other only because we hope for the support to be returned? Do we communicate so that we might learn and have fun, rather than for the sake of the other? If talking to each other wasn't fun or interesting and didn't mean friendship, would we still assist each other just because it was "the right thing to do"?
"This is my territory. An eternity of solitude"
What if your very nature is one that leaves you lonely and unloved.
"Without communication. Without understanding. Why am I this way?"
We all try to communicate, but we can never communicate perfectly. We all try to understand, but we can never understand completely. Both in the sending and in the receiving, we cannot do so, no matter how we try. The Doppelganger's own words are distorted and reinterpreted to fit Vincent's own experience when he hears them. Everyone can only understand another through their own lens, never truly understanding from the perspective of the one they seek to understand.
"Why can't I be something worthy of love and acceptance?"
If you don't believe yourself to be lovable and if you do not respect yourself, then very often others will not either. What can you do? How can you change yourself? How can you become someone different when you are who you are? What if who you are, is someone that cannot change themselves?
"I found if I pretended to be someone else, I could be loved."
And what if you do change yourself? We play these social games where we bend and hide parts of ourselves when we interact. It makes us "more loved" to do so, but really it is a social dance of ranking more than love at that point.
"But after awhile I realized, the person they loved wasn't me."
Even though we get so very used to acting, and it becomes a part of who we are, it isn't really our true selves. And so, to change yourself for the sake of other's love, is meaningless. Even if you could do it perfectly. Even if you could replace seamlessly that of someone they loved, it would be meaningless.
"I am no one. Therefore I am loved by no one."
If you try to be someone else in order to be loved, you cannot be loved. Yet if you don't try to be someone else, how can you compare to the "more perfect" version of yourself? What if you are not loved for who you are in the first place?
"And so I decided to end myself. But even if we want to end ourselves, we can't."
To change yourself, or to want to be someone else, is a form of ending yourself. But if it isn't in you already, to be someone else, then how can you?
"So we ended the others. For in then we found reflections of ourselves."
In some ways, the only way to be someone else, is to change your surroundings. A lot of people push others away from themselves in order to try and "end" themselves. And if they do... kill themselves... then they, in a way, kill those around them as well. Whether we try to or not, the half-versions of ourselves that are understood by others, becomes a part of them. We rub off on each other and we absorb small bits of the people around us. We reflect each other in our actions and thoughts. We see each other in each other because we really do pass traits and pieces of what makes us "us" on to our friends and associates and acquaintances. It can be habits and modes of expression. It can be meanings and viewpoints. But we really do pick up and give away bits of life wherever we go.
"It didn't work. In the end, the only one left was the one we wished to be rid of."
Trying to push others away just leaves you alone with yourself and makes you believe your problems are unbearable as they make up what remains of your entire world.
"That radiance. Through you, I can finally end myself. Let us end it. You and I, together."
Until, eventually, you convince yourself that death and escape is the best option. One that everyone would want.
"From birth to death the story evolves. The complete picture of who we are is only clear when our story comes to an end. So you might as well take this opportunity to skip to the end."
It is strange to realize that we are never the same person for long. We are growing and changing and maturing all the time. But that means that we literally stop being who we are... all the time. We roughly understand who we used to be, but we are no longer that person. And we will no longer be "me" a few months or years from now. It is strange and frightening how true this is. What if we become something we hate? What if we do something terrible, and worse, what if we never realize it? How can we tell? After all, the only way we can judge ourselves, is by ourselves. And what if we are wrong? What if we are wrong right now? There is no way to tell. We must be, because we keep changing, and even if one of those versions is right, that means that most of them are wrong. We die over and over again, and we never even notice it happening as we change and grow and reform what makes us "us."
"You understand now, don't you? You don't get to be with anyone. The best thing we can do for everyone is disappear forever." If you are consumed with worry for what is best for everyone else, then you can never please them perfectly. The only way that path leads is to surrender. You must find a reason within yourself to live. That reason can be to serve others as best you can, but you cannot base your existence on someone else's acceptance. They can never know you for one. You can never know them and never completely satisfy them either. But also, you have to find a greater reason to live than external opinions. It has to come from within you, or from something greater than you. A god. An ideal. A purpose. A reason. A quest. A question. "A grave. So that we are never lonely."
This makes me think of attempts to bury emotions and escape them. More literally, what has happened is the Proxy has killed or put in stasis everyone that lived in their dome. They lie, frozen in time, sleeping beneath the waters of the lake.
"You're just like me. You bring misery to everyone around you. This way is better. This way they don't suffer."
Believing that you are so worthless that all you do is harm those around you is awful. But believing that it's better to disappear so they don't suffer is worse. Instead of trying to fix the problem, you give up. Instead of trying to change yourself or do something good, you try to take leave of the problem altogether. Not to mention how little faith you have in everyone else. You act like they are forced to suffer. They have control over their own lives, and can choose how they want to live them. Taking that away from them and saying they are so incapable of dealing with the way they choose to live their own lives is self-centered and offensive. You aren't responsible for their happiness. Attempting to put them into an unfeeling coma is no way to treat them.
"I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of not knowing what I am. But worse I'm afraid of finding out. And the people I want to be with will die because they are with me. If that's what I am, I might as well die too."
It is frightening to live. The future is unknown. Who you are is unknown. Who you will become is unknown. What fate will decree and give you and your friends is unknown. Is it worth it to continue on? Will there be happiness ever again? What if your finest moments have already come and gone? Why go on? The things we want most, can also destroy us. And yet... it is worth the risk.
"The proxy hoped to find acceptance from others by changing its acceptance to fill their needs. I used to think along similar lines to that. But then I met Re-L and Pino. And they came with me on this journey. And with them, I can maybe change who I really am. And if I change, maybe my understanding of life will change as well. Because of that I could never let myself die. Even if I am a Proxy."
This is it. The very things that make life fearful, are also the things that make it worth living. As we mature and change and grow, we will die. Over and over again. I do not know who I will be, or if I will be someone ... good or worthy. But with the unknown comes hope. Every fear we have, could instead be a blessing. Every time we think of a disaster, luck could smile upon us instead. We could become something twisted and ugly and insane, or we could exceed our own expectations and discover a wonderful life ahead of us. Life is never worth giving up on, no matter how bad it gets, because even if life is currently at the worst, with continued life there is that chance. That possibility. That something good could come of it.
Our lives can always change.
For better or worse.
Our perspectives can change.
And that can change everything, literally everything.

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I don't know about you, but running around an empty city and taking advantage of everything you want whenever you want is kind of a fun dream to have. Free food! All the time in the world! No responsibilities and all of the items you ever wanted!
This is purely personal connections, but the times I can remember such a world being suggested are three: The wishes of an autistic(?) child's favorite dream in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, the result of a mass migration to Jupiter in City, and and effects of a nuclear fallout which spares a small valley in Z for Zachariah. Recently I also heard read Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom and learned of the term "post-scarcity."


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29 April 2013

Abortion and Human Value

To get to the point: abortion has to be based on something and not grounded in personal or religious reasons.

My opinion is that what gives humanity value is tied closely to ideas of intelligence, viewpoints, ideas, sentience, comprehension, thoughts and concepts. This is both why I value animals and why I value them less than humans (but more than objects, and that I value objects that contain ideas more than objects that don't etc etc). This is why I would value an alien culture and an artificial intelligence.

I also believe that the value of a human life comes from potential and different/independent life. Therefore a human that will never be able to think again is less valuable than a human that cannot think now, but is capable of it in the future. (Like... in a dreamless sleep or something.)

The combination of these two leads me to believe that abortion is reasonable practice until the child is capable of being born and living independently. Currently this date is set at something like 20-24 weeks.* (Unless complex thought begins before then, of course, and it would appear that week 17 is the earliest potential time complex thought may occur. Whatever the case, the most conservative choice for avoiding committing wrong should be selected. Within reason of course, protecting zygotes is not a good place to draw the line.)

This is not based entirely on the first value - sentience. Children are on the intelligence level comparable to animals for an extended period of time. Logically speaking, they should then have the same value, moralistically speaking. I think that this is rationally true. I still find it a repulsive idea to kill a child, more so than to kill a dog, but I believe this is for two or three reasons.

One is that I have been taught all my life that animals are less valuable than they truly are. We should be thinking of them far closer to equals than we currently do.
Secondly, I believe that children are probably treated as more valuable than they actually are. I know this sounds horrible, but it isn't saying a heck of a lot. Children are treated as the absolute perfect good. The "saintly, innocent" and so forth. They are not. They are, at the most, humans like the rest of us. They are capable of evil, mistakes, and are not perfect little angels. Since they haven't done anything yet, they are at best something akin to as valuable as the average person. It makes sense that we think of them as greater than they are for the sake of biological genetic evolutionary purposes, as well as the fact that children are loved by parents and children are not powerful enough to be feared the way adults are, but moralistically speaking, our social values of them way outstrip their true value.
Thirdly and finally, children have a huge statistical chance of becoming valuable. Way way way more so than a sperm, a zygote, a fetus, a skin cell etc. All of those are possibilities, but so very unlikely, that it is not really a reasonable response to consider them already equal morally to a human.

Therefore, as a baby in a womb matures, it gains value as its potentials become more assured and its independence (thought-wise, not literal-wise. Being the same person genetically or physically does not mean that your mind has less value) becomes more likely. This is morally why, a child at 17-24 weeks, though intrinsically no more valuable than an animal, is valuable enough to deny the right to kill it. A child only realizes it's value intrinsically once it has matured enough to be deeply sentient. This may happen not too much longer after 17 weeks, or it may only happen at 18 months or later.

If somehow a person existed that had not been allowed to think a single thought at all, and had aged until 18 or so, was hanging suspended and could be "given life" or killed... I think this would be the edge of the definition for my morality. It has all the potential with the flick of a switch, but does not yet. I think this person could be killed without breaking any moral rules. I think it would be better to permit him/her life, but not morally required to seek under all circumstances etc. I may change my mind on this, but I think what I have said is what my morality guides me to. They are, at that point, merely an empty doll made of human DNA. If they could immediately think and comprehend (had memories stored) that would be interesting, but morally speaking, the about the same as the state of a baby learning to use its mind, but in an adult body. Their potentials are the same, although the first one gains value faster... it is awkward to talk about this hypothetical, and there are more points to work on and think about, but I am relatively certain about what I have said.

I admit that consequences and situations blur the line even further. The life of a mother versus that of the child, the child having no potential to live (starving to death), the benefit to society, the balance between the child's intrinsic value increasing and the prospects for the future child being less and less optimal --- all have roles to play in such a decision. Furthermore the practical versus the ideal may change some factors as well, I'm not sure. All I can say is this is what I currently am leaning towards and why I am leaning towards it.

There are a few problems with this. It begs the question if people are then more or less valuable if they are more or less intelligent. I have a couple of responses to that - I'm just thinking of what makes someone meet the bare minimum morally speaking of valuable as a human. Past that, I think everyone is pretty much equal, morally speaking.
Secondly, intelligence is such a wide and vast thing that value is really really hard to compute. (If meaningful at all) Even if someone is not good at something, they also may have unique thoughts or combinations of thinking that is in proportions that is super different. I find value in understanding, which comes from difference more than perfection or speed or talent. Talent and speed and perfection permit insight, of course, but that is only because they allow further understanding through different or enhanced perspective. Therefore, everyone ends up basically equal morally because everyone has different thoughts and perspectives as a whole. This is by definition true. Its impossible to live the same life as anyone else, even if you have similar experiences and opinions, the combination is as unique as... is nearly as unique as it is possible to be.

Having more-different thoughts as well as having more different thoughts, I do find more valuable. Having a longer life is more valuable by extent. And an alien species that could have more unique and more insightful thoughts on just as wide a consciousness as us, would be more valuable. But these are interesting results of ideals and things that are basically impossible to measure. (Different-ness of thoughts? Creativity has been measured by how unusual or unique something a thought is, but what of value from usefulness or resonance and how about comparing once you arrive at the group of thoughts that have never been considered before... ) Practically speaking, most everyone ends up existing as equally, inherently, and very valuable this way. Including those with different brains and those called "mentally challenged" who compensate or merely exist differently. Not including those who are provably brain-dead or provably do not think for one reason or another. I don't value human biology or DNA. If someone exists without a mind, they don't have value. Even if they look and move like a human. Even if they could imitate a human. A TV containing human DNA is not valuable. I personally don't think that pain or joy is the source of value either. They can lead to or stem from values and understanding, but they are not intrinsically valuable alone.

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25 April 2013

Ergo Proxy - 13: Conceptual Blindspot/Wrong Way Home


Conceptual Blindspot


"Why do you allow her to act with such independence."
"If she is more than you can deal with, then what use are you?"
"She is your raison detre. Lose her, and you will lose your meaning."
"Such is the bond between an entourage and its master."

"I really don't care about jurisdiction. I'm going one way or the other. If you are afraid of what grandfather will say, I'm fine going alone."

This, in a nutshell, is what this episode is about.

Love.

Yes, you heard me. This episode is about love.
To love someone is to want to make them happy.

But if what if they want you to leave? What if they would be happier if you didn't love them? What if they want you to destroy yourself? What if they want to become someone else?
Do you really love them? Or do you love the person they used to be? And if you really do love them, what choice do you have, but to try to stop, even though your purpose in the first place is to be with them, to make them happy. Even though your intentions will be thrown into a paradoxical state.
This sounds entirely abstract and philosophical and phrased about as blandly as possible, but the effects and truths are real. And you can see them unfold with brilliant clarity.

What do you do if your master dies? If your master leaves you? If your master doesn't want you anymore?
No matter who they are, the master is the master.

"No matter who they are" - even if you hate the one you love. Even if they are flawed. Even if they despise you. You can't help loving the person you love. Mother, father, brother, lover, child... you love them, and you cannot very well stop loving. "The master is the master."
"It seems even more true now that I have a soul."
Now Iggy realizes more than just a fundamental need commanded of him and given to him as a raison detre. Now he knows a need borne of choice, emotion, and love. And he is helpless before it.


What do you do if you hate the one you love or the one you love hates you?

And what of other forms of love...? The love of the autoreiv child for its own master Proxy. They lived peacefully and protected one another. The autoreiv bringing trinkets and gifts to the gentle giant. The giant fiercely and savagely protecting its consort, and the autoreiv wholly loyal and devoted in return. At least that is how I see it. The autoreiv performs its final duty, attempting to lay its master to rest, but in doing so overhears Iggy say, "If I kill the one who took her, she'll come back." Whether it is the result of a muddled mind, or perhaps the effect of a child mad with grief, the autoreiv learns that it should now dedicate its life to killing Re-L. How ironic that it is Iggy that nearly causes Re-L's death, and in so doing, separates himself from her completely.

And still, there are other kinds of love. Despite Re-L's treatment, Vincent is still hopelessly in love with her. He dotes on her despite her derision, and he puts up with her every insult without thought. Maybe he believes her to be better on the inside, or maybe this is the madness of adoration.

Let me say too, that while Pino may be saner than the rest, she is not a perfect robot either. The same thoughts that let her be cute and retort to Re-L, "Not now! I'm reading!" let her see Vincent be abused while trying to help Re-L. That same Cogito that Iggy has, lets her see Vincent's ardor, and maybe even lets her have pangs of jealousy. She is uncharacteristically uncooperative. Maybe because, like a difficult child, she wants attention and love, and is afraid of losing it. Later she helps out because she wants to be approved up. She is turning into a real child.

Let it be known that Iggy was infected long before this episode. It is not his cogito that drives him mad, but his freedom, his thoughts... his love. What is wrong is not his despair, or his attempts to address his problems, but rather his attempt to force Re-L to change into something she isn't. Just like Re-L tried to force Iggy to be someone he wasn't. He doesn't love who Re-L has become, only the phantom of who she used to be. Just as Re-L announces "Iggy is dead," so too, is the old Re-L that depended on Iggy.

(More on this in the Reactions section of the guide.)

Iggy is allowed to follow and discovers a cave that is more or less the same as the Wombsys of Romdeau. This place appears to have been a dome in the past, with manufactured people, just like Romdeau. Iggy audibly wonders if the Proxy created the dome, and the dead proxy, despite its condition, looks like some kind of sleeping god. Each dome has a proxy. Each dome seems to be falling to ruin. Autoreivs, Proxys, Humans, Domes... how do they all link together? What does it all mean?


I'm going to be a bit pedantic about cinematography and presentation for a bit:
Iggy shoots the autoreiv with a single-use flare gun. (there is a flash of temporary light afterwards) He grabbed it from the U4 when the autoreiv first showed up and began hammering on the side of the ship. There are two red flare guns, but I don't think the other one ever turns up again.

I also find it interesting that Iggy says, "You said an autoreiv like me could never truly understand you because I don't have a soul. But I do have a soul. How could you not notice?" referring to the previous episode. In reality, Re-L said, "Explain what? How do I explain to an autoreiv? How do I convince you, when I don't even understand."

I don't know if there is any significance to the way Pino sits bewteen Iggy and Vincent in their confrontation. Perhaps symbolizing her autoreiv-ness in comparison to her human-ness. Perhaps playing the innocent helpless one in a fight between two men-of-action. (Hahaha, Vincent, a man of action...! He is in this case, but it still is hilarious) Maybe just a convenient set piece to increase the tension.

A few moments later something similar happens. Re-L, Iggy, and Vincent all stand facing each other. There is a single point where Re-L stands at the crossroads. (Here she admits, "you beat me." She lets down her arrogance, she realizes her flaws, and she turns to face her future as a more mature woman... because of Iggy's lessons I might add) and then they all spring into action. Iggy dies for her and Vincent protects her. The choice, whether hers or not, has been made. Her future lies ahead, not behind.



.......
So much is said in so short of a time.......

Iggy could not manage the emotions that coursed through him. The anger of betrayal, the fear of abandonment, the love of a parent and a teacher. All just discovered at the point they were being torn apart. He didn't know how to act, and so his life, personality, and perspective fell to pieces. He died of devotion and fear and anger. All of the emotions we struggle to hide and control. I'm not sure. But I think... he was still Iggy to the very end.

And emotions. Even though they are so destructive and terrible and heartbreaking and uncontrollable. They are not to be destroyed themselves. Sadness and anger... they are still... good. They are still valuable and worthy and beautiful and ... as Pino puts it, "I think it actually makes me happy." And why? "Mmm, I don't know."

Even though they are wrong and meaningless alone, I believe they are links to meaningful truths. And even though we never understand the nameless autoreiv, nor Iggy for that matter. They are still intrinsically valuable and should be ... cherished for the life that they were. So it is a beautiful thing, to feel sad and to love them and to put flowers on their graves, even though we do not understand them, we can at least understand that they... had thoughts like us.



In the last scene Vincent returns her gun. Maybe it is a token of his love for her, and the importance of her happiness to him. Maybe it is a sign of his complete dedication to her, and his meaninglessness without her attentions. Maybe it is a way of saying that he loves her so much, that he too would give his life for her. Or perhaps it is a way of saying that he will love her, even if she becomes someone else, he accepts her for who she is and who she will become. I don't know. But lovers should respect each other as equals, not as masters and slaves.





[VIEW SPOILERS]
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Iggy's name appears to be a reference to Saint Ignatius.
This fits Saint Ignatius' life, as the theologian preached these ideals: Self-sacrifice, erasure of personal desires, seeking the will of God in all things, self examination of faults, the process of removing those faults over several days, humility and service, vows of obedience, and action for the sake of goodness. His motto was "In all things, to love and to serve."

"You don't get to write me off just because I've gotten complicated."
So, what if Re-L had instead reacted with respect for who Iggy has become. What if she had taken the first step, and instead of the two trying to force each back into who they used to be, had instead adapted and learned who they had become. Can we blame Iggy for giving up on Re-L new personality any more than we blame Re-L for giving up on Iggy's new personality? Could he have learned to change, mature, and live a new life as a grown, adapted entourage?
Or did Iggy perish when Re-L no longer needed him. Was that programmed personality so dependent and false, that it was wholly incapable of life without her needs to give it motion? These remnants. Are they the frail leftovers of a personality that lurked unused within Iggy, ("not-Iggy") that came to the forefront when Iggy disappeared from existence? Are they the beginning of a new personality, that could stabilize and fill out to become something new? Or are they who Iggy truly was, without a "programmed morality" to guide him?
(Are we utterly inhuman without society to tell us right from wrong? Maybe that's taking the metaphor a little farther than it can stretch.)

I don't know. I don't know who Iggy was, because just when he was born and helpless, he died.

But in his death. What a gift Iggy gave us. What a hint into the unknown.
Iggy showed us that his character could be so very much deeper than we ever gave him credit. His death cut it short, but maybe that is for the better. It leaves him a mystery never to be solved.

(It is astounding how flawed these characters are. Iggy is horrendous in his behavior, but he is so accurate about Re-L's flaws. Re-L is so very flawed, but so to is she accurate that Iggy is behaving like a madman. And yet, how selfless and perfect Iggy is, that he only desires to protect Re-L, even at the expense of his own life. He only, (only!) acts out of love. "My beloved Re-L." He has nothing else to guide him. Self-love for a time that he cannot reverse, but it is all he knows. Tragic heroes both, I can only wonder what would have been if they had realized their own flaws instead of focusing on each other's. It was not meant to be. Iggy cannot protect Re-L anymore. The dangers are too great (A proxy and a rogue autoreiv) but also Re-L must grow up or it is all meaningless. Re-L cannot, even if she wanted, depend on Iggy any more. It would mean she never matures and it would mean she denies who she is. She has her own purpose to pursue in life, and sad though it is, she must no longer be Iggy's other half.)


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22 April 2013

To Accept

I clasped myself, worries and fears crowding in about me.

His fingers brushed across my skin. He was here with me, his form less than twelve inches away. His warmth and reassurance --

The thoughts surged back, blocking his presence from view and confusion throwing everything into disarray.
What was I doing with my life, what was I trying to do, what was I hoping for.

A kiss. Shock quickened me. He cares for me, he...

"Me." Who am I? How can he love "me" when I don't even know who I am.
---No, no, he shouldn't, look at me, my life is more or less a mess, I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing. Why me, why... it doesn't even matter, he shouldn't, he shouldn't ---

Another kiss. Tighter I curled, tenser I drew.

No, it wasn't right, I can't figure out myself, how can I... hope to be there for someone else?

Again a kiss and again and again.

No, no... I tried to hold onto the reasons why, but everything was tumbled and awash and dizzying. I tried to shield myself either with my hands to ward it away or with my thoughts to stop everything from being turned upside down. I have nothing, how can he love me when no one can know who I am? He shouldn't care for me. Not for me.


But he wouldn't stop. If I would try to hide, he would show he knew I was there. If I would try to block, he would kiss my barriers. If I would try to pull away, he would follow. All the defenses I would throw up, he would love me through. But even so, I couldn't accept .... I had no place... don't give me such a thing... I don't deserve such a thing...

I couldn't let myself see what love he had for me. Even if I did let myself acknowledge it, it wouldn't...shouldn't make a difference. He shouldn't give it, not to me, not to me. Even though he was sincere, even though he likes me despite myself, even though he somehow understands and forgives and doesn't mind that I am the way I am ---

no, no, no I can't, he shouldn't, it's not right, I'm not, it's too much...

And just when I thought things had begun to settle, a single thought struck me and sent me whirling away altogether.
Upon my wrist was a watch, and promise I made to myself. I froze, literally paralyzed as the memory over took me. The undeniable reminder of how I know completely and certainly, he loves me truly. Really. Truly. Loves. Of course the doubts didn't evaporate, but though they arose, they fell aside meaninglessly compared to this... concentrated memory.

I still felt a poor excuse of a person, but I remembered my previous wishes to try to cast away my denials.
So I started to turn to him, despite feeling selfish and contemptible for it.

(And I tried, thinking: I'm sorry, I'm not worth it, but somehow you love me, and it makes me so happy and I love you and I'm so, so, so lucky. I can't even understand how it's possible that you would... love me the way you do)

And he kissed me.

He loves me for me, including all the fears and self depreciation and attempts to distance myself. He loves me wholly and truthfully. He loves me as I am, and he knows me for who I am and he loves me as I learn to become the person I want to be.

And I love him and I still think myself undeserving and pretentious to openly receive his advances.

But I know he wants to give them, and I know I want to receive them and return my own.

I was still overwhelmed and had to hide away from the full weight of his unreserved love, but at least now I was trying (weakly) to let myself accept it... without being completely swept away.

And he held me. And I held him.
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15 April 2013

Omelas

The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas is a science fiction short story.
It is one of the things that touches me most deeply.


The way it tells itself, the straightforwardness and plea to live as genuinely as we can the presented hypothetical world, stands out to me.

There is a very basic ethical dilemma proposed, and the answer I choose is one which demands that I give the world all I have to give.

Each time I read it, it is such beauty it moves me to tears.
(And again, each time I say such things, I am quick to follow it up with, "But that is probably only me, don't expect the same, everyone is different...." (I cannot hope for anyone to understand how I am).....)
I am not exaggerating. It is beautiful. It moves me to tears.

I write now, because I do not think my experience of The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas is the common one.

I read the part about the child and I thought, I am supposed to feel disgust and fear and dislike for these people, but I stubbornly will not. I will not be told by an author "look at this thing. This thing is terrible."

And then I started to get it. Get what The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas means to me.

I don't know if we must always have great evil to have great good. I do not know if people are doomed to stagnation if they are content. I do not know if it is only war that can make us achieve great strides in history. I do not know if great good can only be created or only be seen if it stands against the worst of evils. I do not know if the meaning of good will evaporate once we have nothing to compare it to.

I was told by the author, this is a perfect town. And I balked. Suuuure. It probably is this happy religious goody goody "haven" all shallow and lies but somehow the people are "happy" because everyone knows that the virtuous good life is the one true happiness.

And then it told me that this town was a place of freedom. It was not perfect. Perfection is not happiness. The happiness was in the correction of mistakes and the hope and the comradeship. Sex and drugs are sources of happiness, and the problems and negative elements had been overcome through understanding and choice. People were free to do as they pleased, and so everyone went their own way, but always came back to share and appreciate. People excelled, people reached out, people understood, and people were happy in that wholesome, diverse way that the best happiness I know is.



And then I was told, that there were some people who left. Perhaps I was supposed to imagine them as mysterious dreamers and pilgrims. The necessary question mark at the end of a story designed to tease your mind. But instead I realized I believed them to be hard, practical and daring individuals. They were courageous enough to do something simple. To dare to believe that there could be something better. And they were willing to sacrifice all they had in order to try to find that something.

These people....they looked at their happiness, at the closest thing to perfection I can imagine, and they said, I believe we can do better. I believe we are greater even than utopia. I believe we can improve, and I believe it is the only thing for me to do, to go and seek that thing.

Maybe idealism is nonsense, it can't coexist in a flawed universe. Maybe idealism is wrong in this world.

But that brilliant hope, determination, striving for what is beyond possible... that.... shear willingness to not give in to reality. To believe and pursue something ... something ideal. To treat the ideal seriously. To treat ideals... as real.


What can I say to encompass the beauty, the power of that concept?
What can I do but cry tears and hope that maybe we should live like that and maybe we can. Maybe we can hope and maybe we can bring about things beyond what I thought possible. Maybe you truly can live by ideals. Maybe you truly can live by ideals.

Maybe we can be so strong, so beautiful, so understanding, so close to perfection that we can Walk Away from Omelas.
Maybe it's possible to dream beyond the possible. And then to act beyond reality. And then to be beyond dreams.

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06 April 2013

Ergo Proxy-12: When You're Smiling/Hideout


And promptly we return to a normal story narrative for another two or three episodes.

When You're Smiling


Once again Ergo Proxy comes across to me on many different levels. Most directly, there is the time spent with the characters and the story line progressing. There is the way details are present in the background, foreshadowing for future episodes as well as this episode. There are undercurrents of themes that are not directly apparent until later.

The background question lurking is whether Re-L should go back to Romdeau. That seems... pretty simple and boring question to repeat over and over, but (of course) I've interpreting it to mean more than the literal choice of location A or B. For Re-L, Romdeau is that "boring paradise" that place of her childhood when she had her life and hadn't asked her questions. It is also the "last refuge of order against the chaos at the gate." She has personal ties there too: Iggy, Daedalus, and her grandfather. All of this has been pointed out before, but the point is, the question now is to accept that she will never try to go back. It's not just to venture out, but to commit to leaving. And what future does she have? How will she travel? Where will she go? Who will protect her? How will she survive? What will she do? What will she find? She has to either find answers or come to terms with the unknown. So, it is not such a bland or repetitive question as a theme.

There is also the disturbing phantom question of why she is attempting this all in the first place. She wants to find answers. But why find answers? Who is she serving, Romdeau, Daedalus, herself, Vincent, the truth? And what if they are meaningless. She found "the proxy" but what use is it now? As Vincent, not-so-coincidentally, puts it at the end of the episode, "What now? What the hell do we do now?"

Iggy, normally her go-to for support and answers, tries to give her answers and pressure her to return. In doing so, he forces her to realize she would rather choose against him. "We can finally go back to Romdeau!" He essentially helps her turn him away.

When Re-L goes to talk to Vincent, she says, "Tell me, are you a Proxy? Even if you are, it's still going to ...[mean I take you back to Romdeau]"

It's kind of funny how lowly Vincent still think of himself. He thinks of himself as unworthy, an immigrant before a monstrous Proxy.

That kiss is meaningless. It was a desperate ploy of a frightened Re-L, and she wipes it away afterwards. Although, she looks like she was kind of surprised and solemn at her own reaction rather than disgusted. And Vincent... I think he knows too it was all fake, but it satisfies him that he has a chance. And he is both patient enough and gentleman enough to wait until Re-L agrees to accept his proposal.

Then there are the random Proxy and autoreiv boy. They seem entirely a plot device for Vincent to show he is a Proxy, but they serve more of a purpose. Some of that is for the next episode, actually, but it is also interesting to note how they serve as contrast against Ergo Proxy and Pino. Ergo Proxy is no brute, thanks to Vincent and how Pino and Re-L have changed him. And Pino is no autoreiv now that she has been changed by Vincent, cogito, and her own experiences. The proxy and autoreiv seem to me to be a vision of Christmas Future that are being grimly or mercifully denied existence.

The autoreiv boy gathers food as gifts for his Proxy guardian. They probably survived this long by not actually needing to eat, but it would be a pleasurable gift anyway, right? Or maybe they can still scavenge enough to get by.

Vincent seems to have matured noticibly. He is still apologetic as ever, but he doesn't jump to groveling all the time. Instead of, "You have to believe me!" it's along the lines of, "That's understandable, I find the situation hard to believe myself." Along with some serious thoughts about the future instead of just being swept along entirely unable to understand.

Iggy is probably is the only one that realizes that Re-l complaining is because of her own alienation and discomfort. He probably also is the only one to realize that Re-L's dismissive behavior is because she is growing out of Romdeau and Iggy.

That fist clench scene at the end, as well as his gasp after the Turing application has been turned off are not design errors.

To me it sounds like Pino doesn't know how to actually be scared just yet. Her cries are painfully mimicked versions of terror. She blows on her piano flute as an alarm, which is why Re-L knows something is wrong and it is Pino. Vincent of course, reacts to the other Proxy's presence. He doesn't want to change, and resists it until his god powers inform him that Re-L is going to be in trouble.

Re-L is touching her lip and says "Vincent, no...!" Either because she actually cares and is worried for him, or else purely in reaction to her trauma of her encounter with Ergo.

Re-L is considering killing Ergo when she sees a flash of Vincent. Ergo is fighting the proxy and he sees a flash of Re-L. These memories both make them question themselves and both weaken their resolves. Ergo is thrown back and Re-L hesitates.


[VIEW SPOILERS]
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It is rather impressive just how gender-fair this anime is. Re-L is adored by three separate men in the series. She doesn't play them. She isn't cold-hearted, simply oblivious. She isn't goofy or use their relationship as an excuse to tease sex appeal. Yes, she is portrayed in some audience pandering shots, but it seems almost to empower her. She is damn visually appealing, and she is aware, but she doesn't feel a need to ever flaunt or use it. Even her kiss isn't a very sexual act so much as a block. She does not bat her eyes, in fact she looks angry she was taken advantage of and /let/ it happen in her surprise. In short, she isn't sexual and she isn't cold. She is a normal badass girl. Romance isn't a priority, but she isn't oblivious either. She is valued by other men, not ignored, and she ignores their attention because she isn't expecting it and isn't very good socially.
She isn't a good female lead with some trait exceptions, she is entirely a good female lead. No traits are shoehorned in to make her appealing. No hidden weaknesses. No coldhearted asexuality. No sexual flaunting or pouting or anything. She is Re-L, without any shallowness for the audience, just her own (--that she overcomes herself).


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02 April 2013

Burning at the Edges

I'm tired.
Yeah, you slept a lot in the afternoon and had several hours of rest before that.
I'm hot. When did I get hot? This.... only happens when I get sick. I'm getting sick. I can't get sick.
It will pass. It probably has to do with the changed sleep schedule. You can get sleep tonight. Just one assignment. A couple hours. One thing at a time. Just take it slow and don't get overwhelmed. (one more tomorrow afternoon, the next day a long day of work, but that's just going and putting in the effort, then maybe some test, but it's okay, you can handle it. You're stronger than you think. And you know you've done stuff like this with ease.)


One thing at a time.

Yeah. Right. One thing at a time.

*tears at the edges begin to drop*
Like I have been all along. And then I'm exhausted and failing. And then I procrastinate and the "rest" doesn't help me improve. It's been a controlled fall, but I've been falling all along.
There's. There's just no end in sight. No break to get to, and then I can recuperate. That would be the weekend I guess. Except I need to study then. Then I'll be caught up. Except I need to get away from it all.

No I don't. I have plenty of time to rest and to not do work. Every day you waste hours on the internet, remember?

Then. Why. Am. I. Exhausted. Sick. Tired. Scared.

Because you procrastinated and then started asking these questions instead of actually working. You always do instead of getting on to the work. If only you'd actually do the work, you wouldn't be behind. You wouldn't be panicked. You wouldn't be tired. You wouldn't be depressed. And here you are, making it worse in more ways then one. Just do the work. You know it's the answer. Why do you never just do the work? You know that helps. You know that is what kept you doing well in the past. Just do it. You can. You can do it.


*blackness*
*encouragement*
*woe*
*confidence building*



why. why did this start. I don't understand. this isn't me.
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29 March 2013

Ergo Proxy - 11: In the White Darkness/Anamnesis


In the White Darkness
Ahhhhh. This is the first of the episodes that breaks completely with the expected plot and sequence. It probably caught you off guard as it broke all sense of reality and development. This will not be the last time Ergo Proxy pulls this stunt, and I advise you to appreciate it for what it is. It is not a wild card thrown in the middle, but a strange sort of shift in expositions mechanics. You see, Ergo Proxy can't stay still for more than three episodes at a time. It cannot reveal plot consistently. It cannot wax philosophical all the time. It cannot be a mystery or an action anime. And it can't even stick with the same style of story narration nor even the same genre. Some parts are humorous or romantic. Some parts are exclusively philosophical and some parts exclusively action spectacle and other parts are simple visual poetry mixed with character development. Ergo Proxy was not limited, restricted, or reviewed by any sort of quality control and it shows it. Thus, it is experimental in every sense. I've decided that I admire the way it tells one story with about 14 different voices and genres and styles, but maybe it really is just a bad idea. Whatever your opinion, you can't ignore Ergo Proxy's dissociative identity disorder, and it won't be going away any time soon. As such, everyone has different favorite episodes because everyone likes(hates) a different combination of the faces Ergo Proxy shows.

This one happens to be surreal and philosophical and uninterested in sequential revelation. Take it or leave it, but I'm about to break it down into individual pieces that I appreciate or that speak out things of interest.

Vincent Law, here, is experiencing two different plot lines at once. One is the rather literal confrontation with his other proxy persona. This proxy half of his mind is probably more or less actually talking to him in a very literal sense. The other plot line that is taking place simultaneously is a very poetic or artistic interpretation of what our subconscious behaves like. This is why the episode keeps forcefully declaring to Vincent and the audience, "This is not a dream." It is not meant to be a happenstance occurrence, but an actual example of what happens inside us on a daily basis. Furthermore "This is not a dream" is told to us so that we do not just discount and ignore part of the episode as being purely fanciful. The books, the pages, the magic and the characters, while all dreamlike, are not supposed to be an interesting dream, but a real authored poem /intended to be interpreted. Probably in a variety of ways, but more or less with real purposes.






The quote "...the future is an opaque mirror. Anyone who tries to look into it sees nothing but the dim outlines of an old and worried face." is from a columnist by the name of Jim Bishop. He does not seem to have done anything particularly significant or relevant. He wrote his column, became a political enemy of Nixon, and wrote a best seller called "The Day Lincoln was Shot." I can draw no meaningful parallels for the historical purpose of this quote's inclusion. However, in a philosophical sense, I believe it communicates something along the lines of: It is meaningless to try and guess at the future. The harder you try to predict or control it, the more you trouble yourself. Rather, focus on what you can see: yourself, and learn to change yourself until you see the face-of-the-future you want to see.

So too, is Vincent trying to do too many things - figure out the Proxies, determine the path of his journey, befriend Pino, learn about himself, and worry about the practicalities of maintaining the ship. The bookstore is a symbol of self-reflection. A symbol of taking a pause to reorient and determine what really is important in life. Managing life is best done by "looking within yourself," because otherwise you'll "never find the answer you seek." "These things take time" trying to get to the answer directly, instead of working through the process and understanding the entirety of everything in it's proper perspective is a foolhardy path. "Take this tea, for example. Nothing you do will make it steep any faster."



Despite the episode being slow and dialogue heavy, this episode moves very quickly.

"We are, if you'll pardon the expression, in the theatre of his mind."

"Consider these books. For them to exist society must evolve to an appropriately advanced state. But in order for society to evolve, it would need the linguistic tools these books contain. I know, a bit of a chicken or the egg dilemma... in the face of such a paradox one could reasonably argue that language is perhaps not entirely a human invention. Is it too far-fetched to imagine god-like creatures bestowing man with the gift of language? Mmm. It's probably a bit far fetched. It was Rousseau who first put forward this argument."

I could not find evidence of Rousseau giving such an argument, but he did propose several pieces of it. He believed that mans' first speech was caused by passion and figurative exclamation. He also proposed that written language was stiff and concrete compared to the fluidity and flexibility of spoken enunciation. He declared God as the giver of language and reason, and that the primitive state was pure and good, but that reason was the way to salvation and enlightenment.

"I am nobody, even if I was somebody, I am beyond your comprehension.
And even if you could, you would not have the tools to express that knowledge. "

"From the perspective of others I am part of the world, but when I observe the world from my perspective I am nowhere to be found.
To observe is to create perspective. I can never cease to be the point of origin from my perspective. I observe that which is not myself. This is the first principle defined."

Again, I cannot find the reference of the "first principle defined." I am most reminded of Hume and his discussion of the self being interpreted as a single entity, but not necessarily so in actuality. (we may actually be -- and from scientific evidence, most likely are -- a conglomeration of multiple fractured subconscious perspectives artificially combined to be perceived by the over-conscious as a single one.*) Hume also points out that the outside world as being nothing certain except perceived stimuli; we perceive an outside world, but our only access is through these stimuli and reactions being perceived. We do not actually have any kind of direct access to an external world, merely a conduit through which information flows. The information could, in fact come from anywhere -- our own imaginations, a computer program, a deity, a shared dream, a reliving of memories -- with just as much likelihood as what we claim is true -- an actual outside world.

*There is a lot of psychological experiments and demonstrations on this front that are crazy and interesting. For example, the conscious is not aware of it's own subconscious's decisions. Psychologists can sometimes tell, based upon brainwaves, your decisions before you know them.

It is also true that you cannot observe the observer. Like a puppy chasing its tail, you can strain as much as you want, but despite twisting and turning around, you cannot see yourself either mentally or physically. Yes, you can see "yourself" in a mirror, but that is again, a false image. It is a shadow cast by light, and it is imperfect, both from the reflective nature (reversal) but also from the light traveling through distorting air, hitting the mirror with it's own blemishes and distortions, and then being received imperfectly and transformed into electric signals imperfectly and interpreted by a mind imperfectly. You are not actually seeing yourself after all. This is merely the visual physical side of things, it becomes even more complicated when you are looking deeper into what it means to "observer the observer." In any case, it cannot be done, if only for the logical impossibility of containing a complete visualization of yourself within yourself.

Ergo Proxy plays with the sentences, it is talking about the concept of "I" as well as telling Vincent he cannot know who is speaking because the voice is a part of him.



"I was there because I was told that someone reported an infected autoreiv.
Incorrect. It is not I think therefore I am.
But I'm not lying, if you take a look at the facility's records.
Correct. The answer is, I think therefore you are. "

Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am. This is Descartes famous line, and the source of the term "Cogito" in "Cogito virus." Here, Ergo Proxy says it is false, and makes a statement that can be interpreted two ways:
"I think therefore you are" either means that the world is the only way we can validate our own existence. (after all, who would know they exist if they could not observe themselves, or be observed by the world, either literally, or else by interacting with something through touch, smell, sight, or sound. If we could not, we would only know... nothing. No senses, no time, no space, nothing....)
It could also mean that the world only exists in our consciousness; it is all a dream we are imagining and creating. The most common synonym to this is the Chinese saying: "But he didn't know if he was Zhuangzi who had dreamt he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was Zhuangzi."
(Incidentally, this is why there is a butterfly on the cover of the Vincent Law book toward the end of the episode.)


The statues in the tea room are Apollo and Artemis - Greek gods of the sun and moon, light and dark, logic art and truth. They both wield bows, which also fits with the discussion.



I am firmly of the stance that single worlds being reinterpreted is a lovely way to discover more meanings, as well as a good way to say more than would otherwise be possible. It makes English (or Greek or Latin) messy and troublesome and unclear, but that very lack of clear understanding permits more understanding, if you see my double meaning?

The bow gives life by ending life for another. Life itself supports life by ending life for another. (This is fundamentally true down to the laws of physics. Entropy is always increasing. In order to live, we consume and compete for energy. Carnivores eat herbivores. Herbivores eat photosynthesizers. Photosynthesizers eat energy from dying stars. Stars eat energy from disappearing atoms.) His explanation is lacking, but the elegance is there.
This is a reference to Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher who is known for his belief that the nature of the universe is composed of the shifting balance between opposites. "Logos."

Anamnesis, "Memory" and "Recollection." Memory and to remember. A noun and a verb. To remember means both to store the now for later as well as to take it out of storage for now. Memory is both a link to the past and a link to the future. Without a memory you cannot function for more than a moment.
Anamnesis is a reference to Plato, another Greek philosopher. He claimed that humans already know everything, but must work to remember what they already knew from previous lives.

"And yet, even at this late hour, traces of the Great Circle remain. The circle of life only continues because you exist. We wait to see the fate of you last survivors of this world. For if you perish, perception is removed and existence comes to an end. A universe without perception is much like an enormous stack of rotting books. Forever unopened and unread."

If a tree falls alone in a forest, does it make a sound?
Physically, yes. But if no one hears it, does it have an relevance? Does it hold any meaning? If it is not perceived, who is to say it actually happened? Does it actually exist, except for its effects which are observed?
Everything that you can think of, has some effect you can observe. If you try to imagine something that does not have any effect, all you can think of, is something that does not exist.
Maybe you can create closed universes that do not effect our own timeline, but do exist... "elsewhere."
(This may just be escaping the question, however, as the things would have an effect in that universe.)
Schopenhauer was one who claimed that without perception, the universe without oneself ceases to be.
Even more so, this applies especially to books. If the language cannot be read, the meaning contained within the scribbled letters simply ceases to be. Letters have no meaning except that we have agreed that they symbolize something other than what they truly are.

Pulse. Shrew and elephant. Kleiber's Law - this is an actual law. There is a ratio to the speed of the heartbeat and the average lifespan of a creature. It can, vaguely, predict the lifespan of a species based on circulatory system rigor.



Gatekeeper of memory/core self - I am unable to draw direct parallels to and Freudian archetypes, but it is clear that the characters in this episode are fragments of Vincent's conscious and subconscious. Vincent would be the ego, mediating the contention between the other two, but superego and id are not so clear. Id may be the gatekeeper trying to just please himself with interesting facts while avoiding reality, and Ergo Proxy may be the superego demanding that Vincent improve himself and progress for the greater good, despite the fear and pain....? This is interesting if only be cause the beast-like Ergo Proxy is the superego and the civilized-like Gatekeeper is the id in this interpretation.

"White noise that beats within the white darkness."
This is a beautiful image of paradoxes. I can imagine it, and yet I cannot. White noise has no pattern, it is chaos. It cannot have a beat or rhythm. White darkness cannot happen by definition. Darkness is the absence of light, and white is the presence of light. You may find meaning in the alternative meanings each word has, of course.

"Keep in mind, Vincent, you have just crossed the threshold of truth. It's time to find your way to knowledge." The difference between truth and knowledge is understanding. Truth in this context is mere data. Knowledge is what to do with that data.

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Believe it or not, I hated this episode greatly the first time I watched it. In fact, I used to place it among the Quiz show and Smile Land episodes. (Which I still abhor with a passion) It was only after the second or third time that I came to actually appreciate Anamenesis and even place it as one of my favorites.

I still find it kind of overdone and bland at the same time. And yet, it is so much better than before when I thought it was entirely a stunt to make Ergo Proxy exciting with no real relevance while subsisting entirely of complete nonsense. Now I understand the words and appreciate the drama as well as the philosophy being spouted as contextual instead of just... purposeless gibberish paired with meaningless spectacle.

*writes for a bit* Wait.... *continues writing guide* *put's down hypothetical pen*
Oh.... oh my god. I forgot how much I love this episode. Ergo Proxy, however meaningless it may be, tends to bring out the best in me. It makes me question it and myself and ideas I am familiar with and really explore what I think it is trying to say.


This episode is very much about delving into the nature of self and reality. It is empowering in a very existentialist way. It points out that we shape our own realities and our own fates. That it is a dangerous power, and we can entrap ourselves, but also that we can break free because it is the self that wields the power to shape our fates.


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