Presently (as you measure)

A mind
with, but not of

/////

Progressing down streets
Mind always on dirt roads out of sight
Mind boxed by concrete
(Eyes fixed on the sky)
(Love in my pocket)
(Love brushing my cheek)
Hurt between my shoulder blades
Don't look side to side, I hear
and I cover my ears
and close my eyes
and bow my head and hurry on.

Feeling love grasp at my shirt
I'm torn... I want
I can't my understanding says ; stern dwindling and miserable
I can my hope says "but" ; howling cutting and infantile
I turn around, covering my face, and feel love envelop me
I melt, I draw hope in swallows, I want to try again again


I was born of hope.
...really
I came, made of fierce brightness and blazing serenity
I lived, quiet smiles and depthless darkness of
                                hope, passion, clarity, mystery, certainty, love of all, life
Then it condensed. and now it's encased in a. loaf of stone
A starcoal that never extinguished
My precious heart
Safe but sealed away
Mine, but not free
I can let it out, but I am entombed it
ironic

                ("trapped in absolute uncertain freedom"?)

Growth all slow expansion
That's how cracks happen

/////

The world spinning with wonder
sharp cold as I plunge
water droplets, hot
Because I breath
Because I know
Because I see Because I live
Because I truly love
And for every burn I bleed
Showing that inside it is intensity barely contained
                by skin
                by normalcy
                by expectation
                by cautiousness and fear of
                                societyfuturestraightandnarrow
                                what I've been told
                                cardboard worlds that are supposed to be approximations

                                Other whispers it isn't so
                                cardboard walls have openness behind
                                world is wider, vaster
                                brighter, bursting, I fill in, imagine

Pull back
"maybe"
always cagey

/////

eyes down, hidden hope
cupped hand holding dreams
sitting alone
whispers wrapped around me
We are both cold and warm, alternating
We are both light and dark, alternating

A-path

All I want is to love and be loved.

It's not much. I mean "love" in the most abject sense... It's all it takes to be content. The smallest, simplest, basest caring about the world and the good things in it. A simple knowledge that somehow the world also cares about me, even if it is merely knowing than I make the smallest difference to some small corner of it.

And somehow I lose sight of these things. I don't know how. I don't know where they go.
But sometimes they're gone.

And what is there left? I sort of stumble around, sometimes cursing everything, sometimes melancholy, sometimes just weary of it all. And the same questions swirl around recurring to me over and over. Why is it like this. What have I done, that makes me like this. What can I do, to escape, to help myself, to solve it plaguing me?

I have some half answers now. I just am like this. It just happens sometimes. It's alright, it passes, it is true that I am lost, but it isn't permanently true. It is okay to let go and be moody for awhile. These answers let me deal with the practical sides of it better, and let it pass a little faster and a little less laboriously. But they aren't much in the way of actual answers. Or solutions for how to avoid or face this.

While I'm like this.... I'm like this.

Hurt, abandoned, wanting to lash out against anything, including myself.
Withdrawn, listless, and even my favorite things are joyless, with no turning point in sight.
I've tried several kinds of help, but there doesn't seem to be any one kind of answer. I'm consoled that time does seem to slowly sweep it by.

But here I am again. Here it is again. It returns all too often, and all too inscrutably.

I'll figure out better ways and better understanding. For now I guess I just... bear it.


(yes, I am aware how melodramatic and self centered I feel. No, it doesn't make any sense or match my character. Yes, I feel free to express it how it feel, uncensored and unmoderated, even if it makes no sense in a practical or realistic sense.,.. because I can't for the life of me make sense of it.... I love so much, I care so much, and yet... it just vanishes......completely..... for no reason.... for days at a time. And I can't even make the least bit of sense of it. I don't know why, I don't know how to deal with it, I don't understand myself and I question and question and question myself naturally already. And I can't even make slow progress. It just ... is... I just... do.... I just.... I.... I'm just lost again.

That's the only "answer" I have.)

Ergo Proxy - 17: Never-Ending Battle/Terra Incognita

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Previous: Episode 16:Dead Calm/Busy Doing Nothing
Next: Episode 18:Sign of the End/Life After God

Never-Ending Battle

Yet another episode that used to be one that I thought was mostly bland and now it is one of my favorites. There is a great deal of setup for the further episodes, a great deal of character development within all the characters, and a great deal of puzzling scenes that I've finally unraveled, and a great deal of allusions and consideration of the series's stronger themes.

I'm not going to spare much comment on the short-term plot that unfolds within the episode as you have already seen that, but I will note that I am pleased at how Raul drops his ID card at the very beginning. His haggard expression and bitter commentary made me believe that it was him doing it suicidal-ly and symbolically, and not at all because he was craftily leaving a trail which would be my first guess. Of course, later, it becomes obvious that that is exactly what he was doing. I'm happy to be fooled.

From the last episode, Re-L has indeed transformed. She is still the same person, with all of her cruelty and biting remarks, but she has become more. She now has another side to her. Her compassion shows when she compliments Pino and again when she says that she believes that she should do all she can to reunite with Pino merely because Pino has shown herself to be devoted. She would never have made such remarks before, or held such values before.

Vincent too, seems to have grown a bit. He treats his lost memory directly and without crippling fears. In fact, he resolutely puts forth an ultimatum. "If I can't be me anymore, I'd rather it end. You understand? I'll need you to kill me." I am somewhat of the same mind as Vincent.

It's no coincidence that this statement is made (commenting on Pino).
"The actions of Cogito infected autoreivs are governed by their emotions; their souls."
and then it cuts to Raul Creed. You think it is Pino for a second, seeing the robotic-like eyescan.
Raul Creed. Cogito. Emotions. Souls. Pino.
These are all one and the same story.
If you doubt this is intentional, I will humbly point you to the end of the episode, where Raul Creed and Pino play the piano.
"I can no longer resist the feelings that drive me to destroy. It was always him. He stole the light from this great civilization. He stole the destruction my despair hungered for. He stole everything from me. Pino."
Cut to Re-L, Vincent, Pino:
"You really like to play." "Yeah, I love it."
(mother of god. Just typing that out and realizing.... realizing the comparison. It rends my soul.)
Raul Creed gained his soul through despair. Pino gained hers through love. They both gained their souls through their attachment to one another. Once again, it is love that makes them whole. Without one another they would just be a madman and an infantile girl.

I have searched long and hard, and seen that a few others have done as I have, but for the life of me, I cannot find what piece of piano music Pino plays. I must therefore conclude that it is original, and intended to reference Mozart.

Update!

Thanks to "Thought Criminal" I think that Pino is playing a simplified version of Mozart's 1st movement of Eine Kleine Nachtmusik. Here is a piano version duet that shows some of the resemblance. And to add on to that, ThoughtCriminal noted that this plays in Alien, and the aliens here in Ergo Proxy bear resemblance in a few ways.

It is somewhat cute that Pino still makes the same mistake she made back in episode 6. "with Quinn she says, "You're like my Papa!" And Quinn says, "Hey, you mean I'm like your Mama, right?" And Pino responds cheerfully, "Oh, I don't know."" This time she calls the pregnant creature "daddy" and Vincent says "oh, not again!"

I do not want to say what conclusions you should come to, but I will list the facts.
The alien looking creatures are quadrupedal and bipedal.
They have a piano.
They do not recognize the language of Re-L and Vincent.
They are not proxies.
They have cave paintings of birth.
They can become pregnant.
They are dying of toxicity within their home.
The outside air is poisonous to them.

Most interesting, of course, is that they reproduce naturally. Re-L draws the connection between the cave paintings and the mother, but she can only think, "it can't be..." at the implications. Again, Re-L has only know and imagined reproduction through a dome city running a WombSys. In fact, all the civilizations so far have been produced by WombSys or been proxies. No wonder the idea is rather impossible for her to accept.

I am not sure at the way the air mixture is. "Strange, the poison should be thinning the farther out we go" suggests that it doesn't. My best guess is that it only changes at the mouth of the cave, where the dead creatures are, and that the toxic air is being artificially generated to keep them alive by the glowing blue machinery. I don't know why it is toxic, other than maybe that is the only compromise they can arrive at. Perhaps it has become a part of their biology, while still weakening them. I cannot say.

Back in Romdeau, the WombSys has fallen silent. The effects of the lost proxy are being felt, and all the accusations against the Administrative Bureau appears to have been well earned. Without shock Daedalus observes, "[He said] the usual. He said to ignore it and we'll deal with it later."
"I told you before, this sort of power would have significant implications."
The proxy is responsible for the WombSys's production. And the significant implications are not just potential ultimate power within the city if you control it, but also the very life of the city and the doom it faces without such power to sustain it. It isn't a crazy rant of Raul to be bent on revenge against the Proxy. The Proxy really did destroy the entirety of Romdeau. It really did steal "the light from this great civilization."

Humans have projected escape routes too. Raul is one step ahead of them however, as he looked at his own before delivering his speech.
In his last moment Raul Creed retraces the place he lost it all. The mall where his wife died. He even takes the heart shaped balloon Pino had on that fatal day.

Terra Incognita translates to "parts unknown" or "unmapped territory." It is also a reference to a short story in which the narrator hallucinates and slowly dies.

"Protocol must always be maintained." ... "And Chief, please accept my admiration of your conduct as a fellow citizen." That was Raul Creed's entire life. Now he is a fugitive. Why? His only crime was performing his role too well. Because he comes to realize that he has been set up since the beginning. His role was always that of a figurehead. He only served by keeping the people blindfolded and gagged. They are the supposed inheritors of the earth, merely waiting to repopulate. Except, that is not how they are being treated. No moves are being made to colonize or treat the outside illnesses. Instead they are held captive in their safe haven. He knows the truth.
[VIEW SPOILERS]

Terra Incognita
Raul knows the truth that they are not humans, but pseudohumans, dependent on a shepherd proxy rather than a full species that lives and dies by its own nature. They are not the seeds of humanity, but the prisoners held from being the next seeds of humanity. He is most infuriated that the dome knows this, but does nothing to thwart its fate. "Tell me what I've been doing this whole time!" "Romdeau is not your epitaph! The future of our fellow citizens is at stake. We can no longer afford your ignorance."
As the chief of security, Raul had to know the full picture. He had to know what all the other Bureaus were up to. He had to see that Romdeau was making no progress. He had to be a leader and to desire that they improve and survive. He had to see that it was all a cyclic facade from the start. In order to be the perfect chief, he had to struggle against his situation until he broke. In a city built to only maintain itself, any leader must fail. Any leader must have the traits of leadership to see and fix and control the whole picture. To prevent the city from steering towards destruction. But such qualities mean he must also strain to improve and must struggle at his bonds until he either exceeds them and is removed, or breaks and falls from grace.
"It isn't really surprising. No one appointed of Chief of the Security Bureau has ever successfully completed their term. Their position teaches them things they should not know. These ideas foster feeling they should not feel. Then they all stray down this path. We knew it was inevitable from the moment he assumed office. This is what becomes of a true fellow citizen. An irony worth noting."

"You mean, no matter what they do, they're going to die?" "It seems a few don't accept their fate."

It is important to realize that even if Raul were "only" the leader of Romdeau, without any knowledge of Romdeau's raison d'etre, he would still have broken in the same fashion. The role he is supposed to fill is supposed to be predetermined and static. He is not supposed to grow the city, or improve the workings of it, or expand his power, or invent anything. Raul has to posses the traits that allow him to deal with the new situations and problems that arise. He has to be able to create new ideas to deal with new problems. He has to be a dynamic entity, not a script. But that same trait makes him think and try to improve beyond the status quo, which is entirely against the philosophy of Romdeau. A static role that must be filled by a dynamic being. The very traits he needs to perform his job, ensure that he cannot perform his job well perpetually. Eventually he will question and try to reach beyond his role. It is the nature of leaders, thinkers, creators to want to add or improve or expand. He cannot be one without the other. The same is true for the other heads of bureaus, (Re-L's investigation and frustration, Daedalus's pet projects and runaway genius, The Regent's attempt to rule Romdeau as statically as possible eventually is corrupted by his single desire to meet his Creator again) and it becomes obvious that they too were doomed to fail. And so this role of "leader" can never be filled perfectly.

You know what is the same problem? Free will. Necessary to survive, but destroys any role prescribed.

The theme of this episode is something like the transition between the past and the future.

The creatures are most likely humans. They may be pseudohumans that lost or destroyed their proxy, and then developed their current situation to continue life, however a few things repel me from that idea. One is that proxies were mostly decent guardians for most of their existence, and that they are really really hard to kill. Secondly they must have killed their god long enough ago to have forgotten language. Thirdly, there is no remnants of a dome or a WombSys or autoreivs that I can tell. Finally, they reproduce in a mammalian fashion. It seems to me, that they are instead humans that were left behind after the Boomerang project. That they holed themselves up in a sort of bunker and kept a society hoping for rescue. This is what becomes of mankind after eons of evolution, if they themselves had stayed on earth while it recovered. The outside air is poisonous to them rather than virulent.

This then is a vision of the past dying, and the future taking over where they left off.

This is the most prevalent manipulation of Proxy One. Here he continues to play Raul, and presumably has all along. All the visions Raul has been having to provoke him against Vincent were real. Since day one, every time he was mocked by Vincent's image, it was Proxy 1 purposefully driving him to despair. It was Proxy 1 that planted the broadcast so that Raul would see Vincent and Pino and their destination of Mosk. He handed the plan to Raul and then drove him to execute it. How enraged Raul becomes is no fault of his personality, but the eloquent control of his psyche through Proxy 1's powers.

Further instances of foreshadowing: "We won't last long like this, but it isn't the end of the world, at least not yet."
Raul's first ideas of surviving the loss of the Proxy and the WombSys by becoming independent of their powers.
"You're too emotional." "And you're too detached."
Raul and Daedalus try opposite methods of dealing with the changes in their lives. Raul tries to take everything into his own hands and fight, and Daedalus decides to watch the fall of civilization from the side-lines having given up well before the end had begun. Raul's anger and destructive tendencies are made clear, and the first signs of Daedalus's madness set in when he speaks to Re-L's image on his computer as if she were there.

Here is the end of Raul and Deadalus' previous lives, and the opening of their lives in the approaching apocalypse.

////////////Reactions:

My only thoughts on Re-L and Vincent's adventure are about how resigned the creatures are. They are so weak, both in body and in spirit. I can only guess at what a civilization would be like if it knew it were doomed to an unstoppable decay over hundreds of years. How, from birth to death, the atmosphere would be one of utter despair, resignation, gloom, and morbidity. What would it be like, to live your entire life that way? Save for one or two youths that briefly challenge their fate before giving up because there are no resources, nothing to do, and no hope. (Speculation: They may even be dying from slowly suffocating themselves by using up the oxygen. Dying from their very act of living.) What would it be like, to bear children in a society like that, knowing that they too will merely be part of the inevitable slow death?

Walking corpse from a clockwork womb.... what imagery.

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Previous: Episode 16:Dead Calm/Busy Doing Nothing
Next: Episode 18:Sign of the End/Life After God

Ergo Proxy - 16: Dead Calm/Busy Doing Nothing

All Episodes: Ergo Proxy Companion Viewing Guide
Previous: Episode 15:Nightmare Quiz Show/Who Wants to Be in Jeopardy!
Next: Episode 17:Never-Ending Battle/Terra Incognita

Dead Calm

This episode, on the contrary, is both very different, but very enjoyable. It is sweet and funny, while still discussing some important and interesting subjects. What makes an autoreiv an autoreiv and a human human. You might say prejudice or something as well, but really I think Re-L is just being mean because she is petulant, not because she is actually racist or ... specieist or something.

From the beginning, Re-L shows her inability to sympathize or relax.
Sometimes she is competent and well adapted to her tasks: She evaluates their situation, supplies, and maintains her own health. Other times she can barely function correctly. She gets angry at her own and other's mistakes and what she sees as transgressions. She obsesses over puzzles she cannot solve. She does not know how to relax, play, or let things be. She doesn't know how to adjust her attitude or her actions to this new situation where she is a member of a team trapped in an uncivilized location.

At first it seemed to me that her attitude was merely a slight detriment to herself, and a funny dilemma. However, I've come to think that it is really a true fault and a difficult obstacle to overcome within herself.

Her patience is running thin, as she noted accurately at the beginning. The littlest things bother her and send her into frustration. She becomes more and more paranoid. Fundamentally it all comes from the unfamiliarity she has with the situation she is in. Her routines aren't able to address the situation, she can't control the problems that are arising, and she doesn't really understand how to work with her companions. Nor can she imagine acting and thinking any differently than she is.

She can't sleep. She takes an hour to get ready, despite having nothing to get ready for and no one to look good for. She doesn't comprehend the idea of running out of food or water very well, nor that other people have to be accommodated. (In some ways, she has to grow up just as much as Pino. It is immaturity not to be able to empathize with others. How can we then accuse robots of being inhuman for having to learn such things, when we have to learn them as well?) Re-L leaves everything open behind her when searching for her makeup, but is incensed when Vincent leaves the toilet seat up.

It finally dawns on her when she sees Vincent eating without water, and she is somewhat shocked by it. She doesn't take it to be self-sacrifice, at least not completely. She really can't figure it out.

She distances herself from Vincent and Pino, trying to treat them as either something she can deal with through protocol, or else to blame them for their "acting wrongly." Remember, Re-L grew up in Romdeau. She never approved of her life there, but she experienced it her whole life. She does not have any idea how to cope in a world with all of the rules and procedures and regulations and social hierarchy stripped away. If people don't act within their jobs, how is she supposed to treat them? How is she supposed to even think of them? It might even be frightening or at least enviable that Vincent and Pino seem to be able to deal with the situation so effortlessly.

She confronts Vincent - more or less stating her problem directly, though beneath a different pretense:
"So what are your thoughts on our current situation. Any idea how we are getting out of this?"
"I'm not sure what you're expecting me to say. Am I supposed to know how to make the wind start blowing?"
"Aaaannnd?"
"And nothing. That's it."
"Just nothing?"
"Yeah, that's right. It's just nothing."
"And what's nothing supposed to mean? Is it nothing because you've really thought about it? Or is it nothing because you haven't even tried?"

She asks Vincent to tell her the plan despite her own leadership nature because that's how she has been taught life is. She isn't a designated leader, therefore someone else is designated in charge. She helps with Intelligence, that is all she has known and all she has been told she should ever know. What's more, she can't comprehend there being nothing for anyone to do. Even when the Bureau couldn't solve problems, Romdeau would create circles for its citizens to run in, in order to maintain order and pretend nothing was wrong and every problem could be solved. Re-L only knows how to act, to move, to perform duties. (Her comment, "It sickens me." is a direct link to Daedalus and Romdeau.) She does not know how to live life, accept hardship, or how to work within a team. All she can conceive is that Vincent is responsible, and must need to think or think harder. Not that there really is nothing to be done and the best course is to accept that.... let alone the additional step of how to be content with that.

Re-L's Notes:

Results of test: specimen reacted to Amrita cells (from experiment ...?)
// specimen confirmed as a proxy. What’s proxy?
Amrita means of “sweet water”
in ancient Hindu myth
and grants eternal youth and immortality
divide infinitely (no Hayflick limit) --> plus live indefinitely

The membrane surrounding Amrita cells is intensely activated when it nears ATTU

what that means: proxy

-This may be the result of a
magnetic field radiated by the proxy or
an antibiotic to an unknown body
|
v
in either case, this reaction allows us to identify a “proxy”

MCQ (nuts!)-> proxy one? whose him? // ergo proxy = Vincent Law
there’s about 300 proxy in the world

PP - the proxy project
BP - the boomerang project
two project
about..... how long have been

*judgement day -> Boomerang star
proxy
methane hydrate -> “fiery ice”
-> methane [carbon atom, for hydrogen atoms]
-> [three carbon atoms, eight hydrogen atoms]



Note: There is more, but I have not translated it.

I'm going to just post the image here, rather than trying to read and transcribe them. I should look up what they are from, if they are from anything.

There is also a picture in Pino's book that might just be a slide from the show, or it might be referencing something else, I don't know. It looks like it could be classical, but I'm out of luck because I don't recognize the composition:

She then writes in her journal after Vincent bumps his head and says good morning good naturedly, that he is "hard to take seriously." Later she notes: "vincent: left handed" and finally, "facial hair".


Re-L throws a ball with Pino again, and Pino continues to favor her left hand extremely much. She twists in order to catch the ball with her left, even though it is thrown far to her right. Later she is given a can opener and then a knife. Both are placed on her right, and both she swaps to her left hand to operate. She is earlier seen drawing with her left hand too. Since Vincent is left handed, it would seem it is a learned trait or a sign of adoration. More importantly, Pino is seen drawing for a little. She isn't drawing a picture specifically, but spiraling the pen around and around. Still, she is clearly demonstrating a development past her mimic drawings from Timothy. That isn't to say she is not still an autoreiv - she is she is seen plugged in to the ship's power to recharge, and turned off while she "sleeps."

Re-'L's makeup being off shows her both giving up and letting go.

Also, once the snow falls, they are shown having water again to cook food and take showers and maintain life. (They are still in dire straits - they only have beans for food still, but life eases, but now they do have water. Somehow I overlooked this over and over until this time.)

The episode plays with expectations - Re-L sees humans as those who act rationally, responsibly, and with concern for their role in society. Seeing Vincent and Pino playing seems "un-human-like" to her. She can only see the waiting as a waste, and the snow as a hardship. She cannot see that worrying and being miserable is, in fact, the wasteful way to think. Pino and Vincent can be grateful and excited. They can be content and have fun. They know more than one mode of life and more than one joy. They are at peace with life, not in a bitter struggle with it. They know how to make fun of themselves and to let go of worrying. And Re-L begins to see life through their self ridicule and simple mindset. What's more, she dreams of Iggy during the night she makes the transition. He could not resolve the differences or make the adjustment between freedom and the dome, but Re-L does.


[VIEW SPOILERS]

Busy Doing Nothing

No spoilers, this episode is not even about Re-L and Vincent and Pino so much as it is about life and living it.

It is good to see Re-L working at puzzling out the mystery of the proxies. It lends some credibility to her foresight as well as her Intelligence expertise.

This episode too, shows how Vincent is a great personality if he is on his own. He truly is likable and good at heart. It is because of the Proxy conflict that he spirals into weakness, indecision, and confusion. He isn't a perfect human, he is too childlike and lenient, but he is also wise and at peace in his own way.

I am glad that Vincent and Re-L's romantic relationship never develops more than this. I find their partnership more realistic and meaningful, though eventually when they grow up more, it's possible they could be right for one another despite their seeming incompatibilities. I also find it very very funny that the Ergo Proxy team portray a kiss to satisfy the rabid shippers before the couple even know each other properly. That way, such fans cannot petition for a romantic scene, and also are completely undermined when they are unsatisfied that it happened too early(!) instead of too slowly! That they kissed at all is acceptable since it was within story bounds and also not endlessly referred to as Emotionally Important Character Development (tm). And when they never kiss again, I am pleased, and the shippers get their due for wanting such a meaningless thing without regards for the sense or depth of the relationship! Or maybe I'm just contrary. Probably the latter.

////////////Reactions:

I think there is a little commentary on what society has done to girl's expectations. They care about their appearance so much that they upkeep it well past it's actual purpose. It has been ingrained in their subconscious so much that it is part of their identity. Whether this is a natural state for a girl, or something that girls do because they are self-conscious and have low esteem, or whether it is the outward pressure that has warped their very subconscious is not implied nor am I sure what I believe either. In any case, it isn't considered unusual or strange that Re-L is so concerned about how she looks while she is trapped in the wastelands and perhaps near death.

Pino has grown a lot in this time. She experiences emotions like joy, contentment, mischievousness, love, respect, and jealousy. She mimics her friends, and helps them by bringing joy and humor. She is at once, just a thoughtless kid, and the only thing between Vincent and Re-L keeping them sane. If you don't think she is a valuable member of their team, imagine the Centzon without her on board. She keeps both Re-L and Vincent stable by giving them perspective and purpose. Not just now, but in the past and future. Not only that, she helps them realize the difference between those with souls and those without.

I don't know what to make of Vincent in this chapter. He is either a naive buffoon or wise beyond himself. I don't know if he sees past Re-L's bluffing to things she doesn't realize about herself - that she is putting on an exterior because she is helpless - or if he just is blind with love for her. So much so that even her glare make him happy she is paying him mind.

I do love how, when Vincent falls and Re-L calls him an idiot, she falls immediately afterwards. And then when she falls, and Vincent tries to reach out to her... suddenly it is so clear:

He cares for her, and she does not know how to accept help.

She does not know how to laugh or smile, and Vincent is so generous to keep reaching out to her.

Yet, he is helpless. He cannot help her, and he sees through her to just how alone and struggling she is. But he can't do anything. Re-L. Re-L is foolish and weak despite herself, and even though she is no clutz or buffoon like Vincent... she is weak to be unable to ask for help or help herself.

She is so strong, to stand so alone. To try to fight against everything and to not know how to be happy.

It is not because she is likable or strong. It is because she is weak, that is the source of her beauty and her strength.

I can see why Vincent is in love with her. It is no shallow attraction. And I can share in his love for her when I look at her through his eyes, when normally I would find her judgmental and blind. And in turn, I can love Vincent through his purity, when normally I would find him weak and incomplete.

It strikes me as close to what love is at its heart. Something that compliments so effectively.... something that makes them so much more than they are alone. Even if it is never love in the romantic sense, it is still a real kind of love.

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Previous: Episode 15:Nightmare Quiz Show/Who Wants to Be in Jeopardy!
Next: Episode 17:Never-Ending Battle/Terra Incognita

Magic Exists

Somehow it appears that I failed to give this thought it's due record, but I came up with this amusing realization far back when I had begun this blog. Specifically I note it on November 8th 2011 when I state: "Admittedly, its hard to accept that there is the possibility of magic when these disciplines strive to dispel all incomprehension, but its not so difficult. Many many things are effected or driven by chance, and really, that's all we are acknowledging."

To put it the argument in another, more paradoxical, (and clearer!) way:
What is magic?

Magic is something entirely outside the laws of nature.
Magic is something we cannot explain, or is patently inexplicable.
Magic is unpredictable and although it has some rules that may explain it (such as being "inexplicable by nature" or "still not negating every kind of logic") it nonetheless, breaks many normal physical laws.
(Or, "Any sufficiently advanced [complex] technology [event] is indistinguishable from [essentially the same as] magic," if you are a fan of the saying)

Now, that isn't to say that the traditional view of magic exists. We do not have ghosts or fairies or dragons or wizards walking about. That isn't to say that magic itself isn't present in our world. You see, one of the things we have attached to the definition of magic is that it is outside our experience. And that, by definition, means that magic cannot exist.

However, if we remove that assumption and allow the possibility of magic to exist - indeed to exist in our everyday lives - it becomes (outrageously) obvious that it does.

We renamed it.

Randomness.

(whether true randomness actually exists, I will set aside for the moment, but for this playful proposition I'll continue, you may substitute "un-knowable complexity" if you prefer)

Randomness is something that we cannot explain, not matter how hard we try. That is it's very nature, to operate outside every prediction.

Sure, we can describe or quantify how "random" something is, but then we are basically just measuring the amount of "magic" that is going on there. Randomness operates in our every day lives, and yet we hardly bat an eye, simply because we are so familiar with it. It isn't "magic" even though it fits every side of the definition, simply because it is just too damn mundane to be called such a lofty word as "magic."

And yet.... that doesn't mean that we don't live every day witnessing and accepting magic.... because it is too normal to remark upon.



I'm sorry if you are disappointed to find out that magic exists and yet is so utterly unremarkable. (I was too)

But then again, if magic is to be normal, it would have to be utterly boring!

Senseless

What is the point of it all?


Why am I wasting all of this time, effort, money, and trust when I don't even care that much what happens in my life. Why am I always taking from other people when it doesn't do any good anyway. When I don't even know what I actually want. When I am just sad and happy irrespective of the things I try to do to make my life worthwhile.

At least I can tell that it isn't my fault. That much has changed. It was, for a long time. It was so clear how I wasn't... was giving up and making life worse for myself because I wasn't doing even the basic obvious things that would make my life better, happier, more stable....

But now, I can list things upon things upon things that I have wanted to do, and am doing.

I can list all the things I am involved in, that fill up my time and my day and can stand up in comparison to other students' schedules. I am pursuing many of my own interests actively, and I am not as shamed by my interest and fun in anime and computer games. I am speaking up and making friends and planning events. I am taking many classes I am interested in, and I know much of the things I am being taught before I am taught it. I am reading books and creating things for other people and am generally liked. I am taking care of myself somewhat, and getting to bed at earlier times and sleeping later than in the past.

But here we are. Again.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to work and even the material itself seems inconsequential. I don't want to do the things that make me happy. I just want to lie down and do nothing.

And really, that is the thing. It's all hopeless. Doing nothing wouldn't really make a difference.



I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn how to manage it, I don't know what to fight against, I have to learn to stand on my own, I ... I can't, I must, I can't, I must, how, I must, I must. I'm breaking the things that I care about, and I can't piece anything together - let it go. First, I must, I must, I must, I can't do anything else, I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, help me, go away, I'm alone, it's better this way, I shouldn't say, and I want to learn to, to stand on my own. I have to learn to. And here I am, juggling daggers because I don't know how, I can't. But still it's there, standing over me, I have to learn to stand on my own, it's all hopeless, , , , , , I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, I ------

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Wow....

(That's not a good wow)

So, I had been coming across this anime's name for ages and had read over and over again that it would be the kind of anime that I would like. I tried watching it perhaps a year or two ago, and gave up, thinking that it was too like a typical mecha-action anime for my interest.

I watched the entire series (admitted skimming some of the latter episodes, seeking the more interesting bits) and it is terrible.

Okay, let me say that again. Neon Genesis Evangelion is terrible.

It is not terrible because it is too slow. It is not terrible because the animation and production value are low. It is not terrible because the characters are uninteresting or reprehensible (they are not). It is not terrible because it is too much philosophy for an anime.

It is terrible because all of that "thought provoking and symbolic and deep" themes, are neither thought provoking, symbolic or deep.

I admit that this anime may be of great historical merit. It may be a case of something like Myst. It may not stand against time or be that admirable without context. (and is not "fun" in the typical respects) But maybe it became of great renown for other reasons; Reasons like genre-defining originality/divergence or else the first example of a "mature" kind of anime/videogame and a flagship example of what the genre is capable of.

Whatever the case, Neon Genesis Evangelion is not nearly as good as its reputation would let on.

To get into the dirty details:

The symbolism and relation to christian symbols I did not find to be either deep or nuanced. Words like "adam" "dogma" "angel" "eve" "sin" "human" "soul" "psyche" are tossed around without real examination or implication.

The characters were messed up and multifaceted which I respect, however I did not find them to undergo meaningful struggles and realizations, nor did I consider them that very interesting in their uniqueness or depth of conflict. I did not find them tiresome either. I did not find Asuka annoying or Shinji overly weak.

The ending covered some concepts which I realized myself a few years ago. I found the presentation to be bad in a number of ways. I found the concepts themselves to be, to a degree, obvious. Not that they could not be profound, but that they were discussed in such a way as to be simple and not to be treated in a way which would allow them to be greater themes.

The battles were fine, but the pacing was both slow and awkward. The themes did not run through or interact in any way that would enhance their natures.

The comments made by characters was also stunningly dull. "I worry about him" repeatedly says Misato. And yet she never tries to make suggestions to him or interact with his problems. "I must not run!" says Shinji, and yet he never really builds strength, has set backs, or has a gradual realization. He sways, seemingly without reason, between focusing on Eva, his weakness, his father, and his past. He goes berserk without comment or explanation.

It is neat that the characters are realistic in this way, that they cannot really manage themselves or their problems clearly. But it there is never any depth or meaning to be found, after that is understood.

I understand that Misato's desire for alcohol and her synonymous desire and rejection of love are from her fears of being an adult. I understand Shinji's fear and defeatism and inability to stand up for himself come from his father's rejection and abandonment. I understand Rei's withdrawal and emotionless nature are part of her loneliness. I understand Asuka's bravado and pride are there to cover up her fear. I understand their small reaching out to one another and their accomplishments and their failures. I just do not see that there is anything else that happens or any commentary or any suggestion about what it means. I do not even see room for someone to speculate or create their own interpretations and meanings. It all ends up just being a series of events in my mind, rather than something worth thinking about.





I cannot say for sure how I can find such themes and allusions to be present, and yet not thought provoking. Maybe it is the way they are handled, but I cannot say what about the handling makes it so.

Oh oh, I forgot to mention, I think the monster design of the angels is superb! I'm a major fan.

Down to Earth

(                     Do I Understand?                     )



Reverence? I am never without it.

Even when I am witnessing things that others believe to be baneful by nature, I see wonder and beauty. Even for the simplest and most mundane, I am in awe.

What others consider normal or their right, I consider the greatest of blessings, the most stirring of insights, the most fulfilling experiences, the strangest of perspectives.
Always I see that things are beyond their appearance, hints of the divine in all, or else a knowledge of the infinite and the limits of our own awakening.
Always things are seen as reflections connections and aspects of other things. Of sides and microcosms of the entirety. In single components I perceive a window that opens to the whole. Of words that are both mere pieces of greater works, but also dazzling truths within their own right.
I am obsessed with purity and the central essence of things. I am surrounded everywhere with truth and possibility so that I am paralyzed with the meaning of it all.
I see it in the world and I see the world in myself.
Sometimes I am enlivened by the pure understanding, sometimes I am thrown into paralysis by the enormity of it all.
I live for merely understanding fully what I see before me. I live for the comprehension of what is.
I drive and am pulled by it, and my view and the world is illuminated by that shining reality.
I tear down falsity and live freely because of doctrines of "enough."
I realize how small the necessities and how vast the potential in every direction.
I accept the imperfections and rejoice in how they can only enhance existence.
I learn secrets of life and being. I am torn by knowledge that everything is unique and irreplaceable. I am a small flicker in a brilliant star. I imagine how far beyond even the greatest understanding the elegance of the universe is, and of the unapproachable wild extremes at the furthest reaches of every spectrum.
And for every unknown beyond us, there is obvious beauty is everything. Beauty which we have forgotten to perceive.
I am always grateful to glimpse what is, to appreciate what I have lived, to experience contentment in myself and the world, and to feel things fully. I want to know truth and exile illusion.

I am tranquil and distant, because opposite to opposite, I am enraptured in living.

I look at myself, doing this, and think it must be the final answer. I think this life is too beautiful, or too grand, or too perfect for there to be anything more.
I am reminded of what beauty beyond belief I am constantly surprised by. Not merely imagined, but actually taken part in.
I cannot believe that still there is so much more, when I have experienced so much already.

Is it only because I am content, that I believe I see real divinity? Or is this complacency an ignorant comfort?
Neither and both. It serves me well and gives things unattainable with other perceptions. It also is not as perfect as I had first imagined.
I was confused and now am mostly glad to know that, here too, is more for me to know. I do not like the simplistic and exaggerated self-congratulations it implies, but there is a tumultuous energy lingering at the center of this.


I refer to Jem and Kimi Ni Todoke.


So;
it has been the satisfaction of my existence to always cherish the moment,
but so too has it been my fierce thirst to always seek more.

Walking on the Edge of Nothing

(                     Understand as I do.                     )



Satisfaction? I do not know it, except as a mere idea of perfection.

Even when I am completing a great revelation and I believe I have come to finish a great movement within my life, it comes at a sort of exhausted relenting that I have done the best I can. That I must release myself to fall back to reality, and often, to sleep. Or else I risk stalling in flight, or plowing into mire, or simply distorting what I managed to grasp with the unmanagable infinites still beyond me.

Not the greatest book, nor the most stirring of insights, nor the quiet calmness of falling to sleep lets me be complete.
Always it is either a tantalizing glimpse of more, a hint of wider applicability or what is to come, or else a sad knowledge of the temporary.
Always things are seen as reflections connections and aspects of other things. Of sides and incomplete images of further on. Of mere words that are both absolute and imperative for the book, but also nearly meaningless compared to what they ultimately mean with knowledge of the complete library.
I am obsessed with edges and definitions. I push everywhere so as to know what is true or possible at every turn.
I do it to the world and I do it to myself.
Sometimes I am enlivened by the pure newness, sometimes I am thrown into chaos by unknowns.
I live for the different and strange. I live for the comprehension of the incomprehensible.
I drive and am pulled by it, and I subject my view and the world to that rule.
I tear myself down and live freely because of doctrines of "enough."
I learn physical limits of sleep and nourishment. I am freed by knowledge that everything is replaceable or nonessential. I am enough in myself. I imagine great accomplishments of devotion, and of immaculate balances from knowing all the "enoughs."
And for every enough, I discover potential .
I desire always to do more, to try new things, to question myself and the world, and to feel things I have never felt. I want to know truth and exile falsity.

I whip myself into a frenzy and I fall into despair, because opposite to opposite, I cannot find purity without finding impurity.

I look at myself, doing this, and think it cannot be sustainable. I think this search is too impossible, or too perfect, or too far from reality.
I am reminded of what beauty beyond belief I have enjoyed. Not merely imagined, but actually taken part in.
I cannot think these things are lies, when I have experienced them and come to them from such laws as I live by.

Is it only because I demand and discern so much, that I succumb so fully to such real divinity? Or is this maddened pursuit a clumsy effort to be refined?
Neither and both. It serves me well and gives things unattainable with other perceptions. It also is not as perfect as I had first imagined.
I was confused and now am mostly glad to know that, here too, is more for me to know. I do not like the simplistic and exaggerated self-congratulations it implies, but there is a Buddha smile lingering on some edge of this.


I refer to Ayria and to Omelas.


So;
it has been the bane of my existence to always need to do better,
but so too has it been my eternal spirit to always grow.

Now and Before and in the Future

I want to think.

I want to always be aware of the world and my world and what could be. I do not want to do things because I feel there is no other way, or because I feel afraid to do something different, or because I have forgotten that the world is more than it is.

If within this year I could realize it, I would never forget to think. If I cannot do that, then I would like to gradually learn.

[question, explain]

(For me, "to think" in this way, is a slightly grand, almost holy thing. It seems too perfect, too simple and pure---It seems impossible. It needn't feel that way. Not because it is so utopian in my eyes. I have done it and cherished it before. I have even gone days-on-end living like so, when I was most euphoric. And now finally, after years of writing and working through and self examination, there is virtually nothing left in my way to doing so. I do not know when the tormenting downward spiral transitioned into lazy circles. I do not know if it is just my current mindset warping what was, is, and will be. It may be naive, (I have no personal evidence it is naive, just dogmatic belief) but for now I think it possible and possible even for me. Even within the year.)

I am too afraid of hope to let myself embrace the possibility, but.... I believe it within my grasp. And that I will naturally push closer and closer. And someday, perhaps sooner than later, I will be this person which is only a paragon and a thirst to me now.

The idea of that is amazing to me. That it is realistic; That I can.
[is it real]

(That I believe so, what once I didn't even imagine and later would never have supposed. And despite all of my careful checking and questioning and pessimism, I still have come to truly believe it so near)

And so, I say: I will.