To Accept

I clasped myself, worries and fears crowding in about me.

His fingers brushed across my skin. He was here with me, his form less than twelve inches away. His warmth and reassurance --

The thoughts surged back, blocking his presence from view and confusion throwing everything into disarray.
What was I doing with my life, what was I trying to do, what was I hoping for.

A kiss. Shock quickened me. He cares for me, he...

"Me." Who am I? How can he love "me" when I don't even know who I am.
---No, no, he shouldn't, look at me, my life is more or less a mess, I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing. Why me, why... it doesn't even matter, he shouldn't, he shouldn't ---

Another kiss. Tighter I curled, tenser I drew.

No, it wasn't right, I can't figure out myself, how can I... hope to be there for someone else?

Again a kiss and again and again.

No, no... I tried to hold onto the reasons why, but everything was tumbled and awash and dizzying. I tried to shield myself either with my hands to ward it away or with my thoughts to stop everything from being turned upside down. I have nothing, how can he love me when no one can know who I am? He shouldn't care for me. Not for me.


But he wouldn't stop. If I would try to hide, he would show he knew I was there. If I would try to block, he would kiss my barriers. If I would try to pull away, he would follow. All the defenses I would throw up, he would love me through. But even so, I couldn't accept .... I had no place... don't give me such a thing... I don't deserve such a thing...

I couldn't let myself see what love he had for me. Even if I did let myself acknowledge it, it wouldn't...shouldn't make a difference. He shouldn't give it, not to me, not to me. Even though he was sincere, even though he likes me despite myself, even though he somehow understands and forgives and doesn't mind that I am the way I am ---

no, no, no I can't, he shouldn't, it's not right, I'm not, it's too much...

And just when I thought things had begun to settle, a single thought struck me and sent me whirling away altogether.
Upon my wrist was a watch, and promise I made to myself. I froze, literally paralyzed as the memory over took me. The undeniable reminder of how I know completely and certainly, he loves me truly. Really. Truly. Loves. Of course the doubts didn't evaporate, but though they arose, they fell aside meaninglessly compared to this... concentrated memory.

I still felt a poor excuse of a person, but I remembered my previous wishes to try to cast away my denials.
So I started to turn to him, despite feeling selfish and contemptible for it.

(And I tried, thinking: I'm sorry, I'm not worth it, but somehow you love me, and it makes me so happy and I love you and I'm so, so, so lucky. I can't even understand how it's possible that you would... love me the way you do)

And he kissed me.

He loves me for me, including all the fears and self depreciation and attempts to distance myself. He loves me wholly and truthfully. He loves me as I am, and he knows me for who I am and he loves me as I learn to become the person I want to be.

And I love him and I still think myself undeserving and pretentious to openly receive his advances.

But I know he wants to give them, and I know I want to receive them and return my own.

I was still overwhelmed and had to hide away from the full weight of his unreserved love, but at least now I was trying (weakly) to let myself accept it... without being completely swept away.

And he held me. And I held him.