Things have been improving for a long time now. Immeasurably slowly, I cannot see the changes in myself as they happen. Only in retrospect.
I no longer fully recognize what I have written here. It makes me incredibly grateful to my past-self for recording it.
I have forgotten where I have been and did not know where I would go.
At the time I wanted so much to know where I could go from where I was. I wanted to know what was possible, and how long it would take, and how to get there. I anguished and grasped and flailed and cried and tried and beat myself up for stumbling in circles. Later I accepted the circles were part of the path forward, and that I could not detect if anything was getting better until well after the fact. And I still pushed and tried and was lost and despaired.
It's hard to compare, because my life circumstances changed. They changed everything about the world around me, my perceptions, and the limits of my highs and lows. But still, in this other set of circumstances, I continued to improve inside of that state. I am proud of that. I am proud of where I am and where I have come from. I was never proud of anything before.
Enough side-stepping, here is the path it took:
I tried to remember and believe in the good times or the good people said about me.
I wrote and tried to capture what was happening, and work through it, and remember how I did so.
I tried to push myself away from the senseless self-berating. And to break away from this feeling of what others expected, demanded of me.
I tried to be patient with myself, and give myself time, forgiveness, and gifts of free time and acceptance.
I tried to turn thoughts around and find positive true things I knew.
I called people. I talked to people when I felt alone. Mostly one, a small group of three or five in total.
Then
I stayed in the same house as my love.
He stabilized me, as being around him always has. But now it was consistent and not a buoy tossed to me when I was struggling to stay afloat. That made many things easier. That doesn't mean that I wasn't working on improving myself, and certainly I still did many problematic things starting out. Things that have gradually been erased.
I have gotten better about being good to myself. Eating, resting, keeping warm, taking care of headaches, taking care of my needs.
I have gotten better about doing errands alone, and doing things that are intimidating to me. I am okay getting groceries or shopping or picking up prescriptions on my own now.
I talked about these types of typical career and approval fears with my roommate. I walked him through how I dealt with some things and what I'd advise to do or not do for a better way to go about things. It was cathartic.
I decided early not to feel bad about the goals I set or the work I got. I wanted to get hired. I didn't feel (that) bad about getting work slowly, and I didn't feel (that) bad that it wasn't in my subject area of choice right away, and I didn't feel (that) bad about other people being "ahead" of me in my field. I felt really good after my first job. People would hire me. I was a good worker. I could earn my way and pay for myself. It took me months to apply for work, and months again to apply for work later, and again for the third time. But each time was faster, more comprehensive, more unrestricted, less cautious, less daunted. By the latest time I was sending in multiple in a day, and maintaining one a week for a while. I agonized over every sentence less. I asked over and over for basic advice and approval, but less. I cried with frustration about not knowing what people want to see and not knowing how to give it, but it was a smaller deal than before.
When he left for a week to travel, I broke down immediately. I can't remember if it was a day or mere hours after he left. I was inconsolable. I missed him, I didn't want to be without him. It was a gutwrenching loneliness. It could not be put aside for a moment or removed with any amount of reason or knowledge. It passed over the span of a few hours.
I would watch hours of online streams after I ran out of better ways to spend my time (games to play and books to read). I would not have a good idea of what to look forward to, what to work toward in my life. I got better about that, and I now have much more glimmers of what I want and like and look forward to. I did not spend time out of the room or with friends, but that wasn't really a goal of mine/I am just like that??? I did have a goal of volunteering at the pet shelter to clean the pet rodents' cages, but I was too shy to ask the shelter to do that for a year or two.
And now I have moved out and been on my own for three weeks. I still don't know if I will become lonely again, or lose my self-care. I still don't know how low my lows will be on my own. But there is no denying what I have done. I interviewed, and packed all of my things, and found a place to rent, and filled out job paperwork, and took my car in to the mechanic, and drove 700 miles, and started work the day I moved into my new place (which I had never seen before), and bought food, and set up my room, and set up my mailbox, and went to work 40 miles away every day, and reset my sleep schedule to be 3 hours earlier, and met my coworker, and worried about why my car smokes sometimes... all in the span of two weeks and all totally by myself. And I have been doing pretty well for myself. I certainly have been doing many things and quite self motivated to get out and explore exciting things. I have tried hanging out with new friends, I have been reading and taking care of chores. I have not been eating very well. But, well, here I am. This is where I have come to so far.
And things seem like they will only keep improving. Slowly as ever.
It's not really the crazy adventure I am on that I wanted to know back then. It was the daily level of contentment I have reached. It was the hope that has budded within me. It was the fears that have eroded and faded, if only a bit of weathering. It was the ways it happened and the rate it happened I wished to know. Even if the news was bad. Even if I never got better, or it took decades. Really. I wanted to know even that. I wish I could reach back and try to communicate it.
I don't know how much it would have helped, but I wish I could try.
I had so little comfort. It was so empty for so long. I'm sorry. I don't know why they were so cruel to you. I'm proud of how you fought and felt and suffered and were iron determined to make something, anything fracture, break, breach and give. Sometimes like a frantic animal, but more often with the fierce unforgivingness of a plant root. I wanted so much to know what it was like to feel proud. And I did not know how to. I could not. If only I had known that the very moment I was sobbing, frightened, resentful, fuming, empty, and barren, I was giving myself that pride I craved... even though I would only feel it years later.
It is vague.
It is aged.
It is weak.
It is warm.
It is rooted.
23 April 2017
29 June 2015
Ergo Proxy - Opening Credits
When I first researched the flashing texts in the opening credits, I read someone saying that they held clues to the show. Yet no one seemed to have translated them and made them available. Finally I did the work myself, and I can see why they were never posted; The text is cut off and difficult to read. The scraps that are available, don't seem to contain much information other than a broken-English translation of a synopsis for the show. There is one section of text that seems to be repeated throughout the opening credits, and I was going to try and piece it all together, but I have decided that it is too difficult and not worth it. I'll still post all of my notes and my image edits to make the text readable.
1
Many as futuristic stories from now. People who lived there
Of ----ind as followers
Orn---raneot(rament?) of the earth, the largest discharge of
Meteor --- cathed burning – happened in old times in century of how
Many --- gad suddenly ---- ings --- nd thr ---
Incastor we d
2
The century of
History of mankind
Saying that, “as for the
Called burning ice happened
Lot of living things died out and thus the
Live only in the bubble dome
Bubble dome “Romud” It is an ideal ity the
Consumption
An advanced making to the network advance
Multipurpose robot from which onomb wa
Of the reacle ---flrunistruerie, and the c---
Been m/pun-aged in an orderly manner if aged
And it peeped and the problem or failing bribe
3
Ever the event that causes the accident --- order happens several y—Another ---- ome
Shelter immigrants have flowed in “rom--- event brought of there---al—of a---
The class difference, and the dissatisfaction ---- there ----ed for----eenau
Reeding ground for crime.
--- big social issues had been generated ---h and Rom
Existence of the virus pro--- of the ------------elling------
Follow man and caused a serious trouble -----
---to appear as though people not to have dissatisfaction -----
Stice and the person who gave up “you should fur----- peaceful
Driven by the desire that it wanted in go out of here
Erase it was taught that the external world was the world of ----
Ous for the Romud citizens.
4
5
6
The century of how many is a futuristic sto
Were given the history of mankind as fo
Saying that “as for the environment of the
Metanhaidorad ----that was called burot
----who has -----
Bubble dome Romud --- is an ideal city that
An advanced ----
Wh----
----- support of the eached infrastructure, and t
The society where everything had been managed
Time nor an anti-social molecule
7
Bubble dome
Another by social fear
Dissatisfaction in the dome are small number of people thing. Not
The person who gave up, “you should ---- one” life --- a peaceful dome though
Though they were all ---- by the ---- that ---- to go out of here.
Because it was taught that the external world was the world of death to which the monster strolled and the
Infectious disease was furious for the Romud citizens
8
Environment of the ca----
---in old --------Ow, and---
Who
Utopia that repeat
9
10
Year up. Anot
11
12
13
The century of how many is a futuristic stories ---- Potiou----
History of mankind as follows.
Saying that “As for the environment of the earth, the large----
Called burning ice happened in old time in century of
Lot of ---- died out and thus the --- we ----
Live only in the bubble dome.
Bubble dome “Romud” ---- called utopia ----
Consumption.
An ---- thinking to the ----
Multipurpose robot front ----
Of the reached ---- ture, and the completed
Been managed in the orderly manner
And it peeped
15
Discharge of M----that was
Now and it changed suddenly
Race
Production and
Going by
The life support
Society where everything
Manner if it gave birth to neither a crime nor an anti-social molecule.
16
..............................................................
So the complete text is something like:
The century of how many is a futuristic stories from now. People who lived there were given the
history of mankind as follows
Saying that “As for the environment of the earth, the large discharge of Metanhlidend that was
Meteor --- called burning ice happened in old times in century of how it changed suddenly
Lot of living things died out and thus we d-- human race came to
Live only in the bubble dome
Bubble dome “Romud” It is an ideal city that is called utopia that repeat ---- producing and
People seemed to be
From ystery
Consumption. Another by social fear
An advanced making (thinking?) to the network advance
Multipurpose robot from which onomb wa
Support of the reached infrastructure, and the completed social security of the society
The society where everything had been managed in an orderly manner if it gave birth to neither a crime nor an anti-social molecule.
Birthrate
And it peeped and the problem or failing bribe
Ever the event that causes the accident --- order happens several y—Another ---- ome
Shelter immigrants have flowed in “rom--- event brought of there---al—of a---
The class difference, and the dissatisfaction ---- there ----ed for----eenau
breeding ground for crime.
--- big social issues had been generated ---h and Rom
Existence of the virus pro--- of the ------------elling------
Follow man and caused a serious trouble -----
---to appear as though people not to have dissatisfaction -----
Dissatisfaction in the dome are small number of people thing. Not
Stice and the person who gave up “you should fur----- one” life --- a peaceful dome though
Though they were all Driven by the desire that it wanted in go out of here
Because it was taught that the external world was the world of death to which the monster strolled and the
Infectious disease was furious for the Romud citizens
1
Many as futuristic stories from now. People who lived there
Of ----ind as followers
Orn---raneot(rament?) of the earth, the largest discharge of
Meteor --- cathed burning – happened in old times in century of how
Many --- gad suddenly ---- ings --- nd thr ---
Incastor we d
2
The century of
History of mankind
Saying that, “as for the
Called burning ice happened
Lot of living things died out and thus the
Live only in the bubble dome
Bubble dome “Romud” It is an ideal ity the
Consumption
An advanced making to the network advance
Multipurpose robot from which onomb wa
Of the reacle ---flrunistruerie, and the c---
Been m/pun-aged in an orderly manner if aged
And it peeped and the problem or failing bribe
3
Ever the event that causes the accident --- order happens several y—Another ---- ome
Shelter immigrants have flowed in “rom--- event brought of there---al—of a---
The class difference, and the dissatisfaction ---- there ----ed for----eenau
Reeding ground for crime.
--- big social issues had been generated ---h and Rom
Existence of the virus pro--- of the ------------elling------
Follow man and caused a serious trouble -----
---to appear as though people not to have dissatisfaction -----
Stice and the person who gave up “you should fur----- peaceful
Driven by the desire that it wanted in go out of here
Erase it was taught that the external world was the world of ----
Ous for the Romud citizens.
4
5
6
The century of how many is a futuristic sto
Were given the history of mankind as fo
Saying that “as for the environment of the
Metanhaidorad ----that was called burot
----who has -----
Bubble dome Romud --- is an ideal city that
An advanced ----
Wh----
----- support of the eached infrastructure, and t
The society where everything had been managed
Time nor an anti-social molecule
7
Bubble dome
Another by social fear
Dissatisfaction in the dome are small number of people thing. Not
The person who gave up, “you should ---- one” life --- a peaceful dome though
Though they were all ---- by the ---- that ---- to go out of here.
Because it was taught that the external world was the world of death to which the monster strolled and the
Infectious disease was furious for the Romud citizens
8
Environment of the ca----
---in old --------Ow, and---
Who
Utopia that repeat
9
10
Year up. Anot
11
12
13
The century of how many is a futuristic stories ---- Potiou----
History of mankind as follows.
Saying that “As for the environment of the earth, the large----
Called burning ice happened in old time in century of
Lot of ---- died out and thus the --- we ----
Live only in the bubble dome.
Bubble dome “Romud” ---- called utopia ----
Consumption.
An ---- thinking to the ----
Multipurpose robot front ----
Of the reached ---- ture, and the completed
Been managed in the orderly manner
And it peeped
15
Discharge of M----that was
Now and it changed suddenly
Race
Production and
Going by
The life support
Society where everything
Manner if it gave birth to neither a crime nor an anti-social molecule.
16
..............................................................
So the complete text is something like:
The century of how many is a futuristic stories from now. People who lived there were given the
history of mankind as follows
Saying that “As for the environment of the earth, the large discharge of Metanhlidend that was
Meteor --- called burning ice happened in old times in century of how it changed suddenly
Lot of living things died out and thus we d-- human race came to
Live only in the bubble dome
Bubble dome “Romud” It is an ideal city that is called utopia that repeat ---- producing and
People seemed to be
From ystery
Consumption. Another by social fear
An advanced making (thinking?) to the network advance
Multipurpose robot from which onomb wa
Support of the reached infrastructure, and the completed social security of the society
The society where everything had been managed in an orderly manner if it gave birth to neither a crime nor an anti-social molecule.
Birthrate
And it peeped and the problem or failing bribe
Ever the event that causes the accident --- order happens several y—Another ---- ome
Shelter immigrants have flowed in “rom--- event brought of there---al—of a---
The class difference, and the dissatisfaction ---- there ----ed for----eenau
breeding ground for crime.
--- big social issues had been generated ---h and Rom
Existence of the virus pro--- of the ------------elling------
Follow man and caused a serious trouble -----
---to appear as though people not to have dissatisfaction -----
Dissatisfaction in the dome are small number of people thing. Not
Stice and the person who gave up “you should fur----- one” life --- a peaceful dome though
Though they were all Driven by the desire that it wanted in go out of here
Because it was taught that the external world was the world of death to which the monster strolled and the
Infectious disease was furious for the Romud citizens
17 April 2015
Extraordinary Anime
This list is so I can remember what I have seen, so it's got junk on it.
The list is not everything that I have seen, because some stuff really isn't worth remembering.
(Hi there, Persona, Tokyo ESP, Nobunagun, Tribe Cool Crew, One Week Friends, Akuma no Riddle, Gokukoku no Brynhildr, Phi Brain, Xam'd Lost Memories, and many more. )
I post repeats because they are so good in multiple categories.
Just good fun, and younger memories, or just other: (almost all are not great)
Philosophic:
(not in order)
I liked it because it had tech/fantasy I have never seen before:
(not in order)
I liked it because it made me cry:
(Not in order)
I liked it because I have a thing for characters that are weird or shy or emotionless:
(sort of in order from personal experience of worst to best, last section is about characters instead of the anime as a whole)
Will be updated as I see fit. The new season of Sidonia and SNAFU I expect to only add good things to the series.
The list is not everything that I have seen, because some stuff really isn't worth remembering.
(Hi there, Persona, Tokyo ESP, Nobunagun, Tribe Cool Crew, One Week Friends, Akuma no Riddle, Gokukoku no Brynhildr, Phi Brain, Xam'd Lost Memories, and many more. )
I post repeats because they are so good in multiple categories.
Just good fun, and younger memories, or just other: (almost all are not great)
Kiba
Spiral
Hikaru No Go
SpeedGrapher
Black Butler
^childhood introduction to anime that don't fit other categories, but I still like for that.
---
(actiony+funny)
Ao No Exorcist
Noragami
Nanatsu no Taizai
Fooly Cooly
Black Lagoon
Dragon Ball Z
No Game No Life
(actiony / thoughtful)
Jormungand
Junketsu no Maria
Maoyuu Maou Yuusha
Black Bullet
Yumekui Merry
Chihayafuru
Gosick
Dennou Coil
(thoughtful / unique)
Mekakucity Actors
Ping Pong The Animation
Princess Tutu
Higurashi When They Cry
Samurai Flamenco
Blue Gender
Cowboy Bebop
(forgettable)
Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders
Tokyo Ghoul
Dramatical Murder
[C] The Money of Soul and Possibility Control
Darker than Black
Space Dandy
Eureka 7
Elfen Lied
---
v special, hard to categorize
Usagi Drop
Hourou Musuko
No. 6
Philosophic:
(not in order)
Serial Experiments Lain
Kino No Tabi
Ergo Proxy
Mushishi
House of Five Leaves
Time of Eve
Kaiba
I liked it because it had tech/fantasy I have never seen before:
(not in order)
Fractale
Shinseki Yori
PsychoPass
Gatchaman Crowds
Ghost in the Shell
Paranoia Agent
Suisei no Garugantia
Time of Eve
Sidonia No Kishi
I liked it because it made me cry:
(Not in order)
Casshern Sins
Wolf's Rain
Witch Hunter Robin
Michiko to Hatchin
Paranoia Agent
Ergo Proxy
Mushishi
Kino No Tabi
Penguin Drum
Zankyou no Terror
Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso
I liked it because I have a thing for characters that are weird or shy or emotionless:
(sort of in order from personal experience of worst to best, last section is about characters instead of the anime as a whole)
Mirai Nikki
Nazo No Kanjo X
Blood Lad
Black Butler
Hataraku Maou-sama
Un-Go
Another
Jormungand
Wolf's Rain
Say I Love You
Free!
Noragami
Litchi De Hikari
Death Note
No Game No Life
Suisei no Garugantia
Spawn
Casshern Sins
Witch Hunter Robin
Zankyou no Terror
Sidonia No Kishi
Serial Experiments Lain
House of Five Leaves
Ergo Proxy
Mushishi
------------
Amnesia (doesn't understand)
Sankarea (weird impish)
Hyouka (lazy)
Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come wa Machigatteiru (mean, cares, bitter)
No. 6
Kimi Ni Todoke
Will be updated as I see fit. The new season of Sidonia and SNAFU I expect to only add good things to the series.
10 April 2015
To Harbor
Can you tell why I break though?
Shatter into little brilliant glittering ice and water,
too beautiful to be real, the sun in every droplet and shard
Can you, when I throw myself to a swallow's death
(because the world asked it passingly)
(and it watches as I fall to lifelessness)
(surprised, but uncomprehending)
broken body broken wing broken mind broken heart
He once said - I love too much to stand this world
And as I lay (with my broken breathing) I
look to the world and I plead that it see
That it know what hope is
That it know what devotion is
That it know what idealism is
that it know what what to love is
and respond to my wretchedness
And I straighten myself, and I prepare myself, and I shape myself
To stand
To burn
To crystallize
To radiate
To keep the dream existing here
in me, in anywhere
to smash myself as many times as I need to
until the world grasps the glinting gift
and breathes with me as I lay limp and expended again
Shatter into little brilliant glittering ice and water,
too beautiful to be real, the sun in every droplet and shard
Can you, when I throw myself to a swallow's death
(because the world asked it passingly)
(and it watches as I fall to lifelessness)
(surprised, but uncomprehending)
broken body broken wing broken mind broken heart
He once said - I love too much to stand this world
And as I lay (with my broken breathing) I
look to the world and I plead that it see
That it know what hope is
That it know what devotion is
That it know what idealism is
that it know what what to love is
and respond to my wretchedness
And I straighten myself, and I prepare myself, and I shape myself
To stand
To burn
To crystallize
To radiate
To keep the dream existing here
in me, in anywhere
to smash myself as many times as I need to
until the world grasps the glinting gift
and breathes with me as I lay limp and expended again
10 February 2015
What do I do
Why
why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why
What can I do?
Would getting food. Would skipping work and sleeping. Would working. Would watching more videos. Would treating this seriously? Would ignoring it? Would waiting for it to go away? Would fighting it? Would despairing and soaking in despair? Would listing hopes and looking at my dreams help? Would taking a pill help? Would doing simple chores like cleaning help? Would writing down my thoughts and fears help? Would finding some meaningful story to absorb help? Would talking to someone help? Would going outside help? Would waiting help? Would thinking of more things help?
28 October 2014
Ergo Proxy - Episode 23:Proxy/Deus ex Machina
All Episodes: Ergo Proxy Companion Viewing Guide
Previous: Ergo Proxy - Episode 22:Bind/Bilbul
Next: None
Proxy
To love. To be all powerful. To create. To be flawed. To defy one's fate.
All of these themes have stunning development and exposition. I want to explain the philosophical conclusions and commentary they have, but maybe the best way is to tell the story itself.
Once there was a Proxy.
He was a god among gods. He was given his task by the The Creator itself. The humans who created his world. They forged his life, gave him his soul, and then gave him a planet to shape and populate.
And he did. In his youth, with his divine power, he created a city.
It was a paradise full of citizens and autoreivs.
Everything was perfect.
Everyone had everything they could want and everyone took joy from their vital roles in upkeeping the clockwork miracle that was their city system. It was all carefully balanced. No details were overlooked. Every citizen was carefully sculpted so that they could love their life and their place in the perfect society. No one could ask for more.
And most of all they loved their creator. They loved Proxy One, for the glorious gift of paradise he had given them. They worshiped and venerated him. They cherished and prostrated for him. They loved and idolized him.
And slowly, he began to despair.
He saw the flaws in their perfection. They could never become more than what they were. They could never grow or surpass their pitiful predetermined purposes. They could never create something new or surprise their creator because they were only as good as he had made them, and he had made them soulless puppets.
But it was forgivable because the system they were all a part of was beautiful, perfect, and magnificent. It ran with a simple perfection. Flawless and smooth, it spiraled onward, never missing a beat as all of its parts cycled in perfect synchrony. Proxy 1 watched it and smiled.
His creations began to displease him. They aggravated him. More and more he could little stand to be around them. He did not yet know the full reason why.
Perhaps then he saw citizens that somehow, did have potential to grow. Who defied the system in an attempt to improve themselves and the world they were in. And they were rejected. They were rebuked and destroyed by the system. And Proxy One was angry. He was angry because he began to realize. The system they all upheld was flawed and disgusting too. And all of it is because Proxy One himself
You are a god. You have everything. Can do anything. And yet.
And yet.
Everything you have done was a sham. Everything moldered before your eyes. First tiny flaws, then maggots that multiplied until the whole thing dissolved into a horrible repulsive heap. Something so utterly unholy and it was the best that you, a divine being, created out of pure good intentions. It was supposed to be beautiful. It was. You thought it was. But somehow it never was.
And it crawls toward you, slavering for you to feed it. And you gaze on the sorry thing with hatred and disgust but a twisted sort of love because it is the best you could ever do, even though it also destroyed the-best-you-could-ever-do. It is a reflection of you, and you know that. So you hate it and you love it.
But most of all, you are alone.
You aren't aware of it, just the empty place inside you. The smiles covering up the nothing behind. Maybe it is ignorance, maybe it is denial. Underneath you want someone to seek you out. To see your sorry hide for what it is. Someone to forgive you, and then someone to understand what sort of creature you are. All of your goodwill, all of your flaws. You want them to come and to peel back the layers, and you want it to be painful, but you want to stand naked before someone else and be judged. You want to know whether they would look on you with fear and repulsion or with sadness and love. You want to know which you should look on yourself as. You just want to finally know.
You cannot even see past that. But if you could, you would see what was past the future where you are loved. Where you are seen and understood, and are accepted. Then you can fall down from forcing yourself to stand up for so long. Then you can cry and feel and hope and leave the past behind. Then you can see a future that isn't an endless dark tunnel. Then you can begin to stand up, teach yourself how to walk, and go somewhere else than this painful place.
But that is beyond you. That comes after. Right now, you want to prove that you are real. That you exist. And maybe that you have a right to exist.
You want to touch another life. Have it touch you. Just a shred of contact. A flash of understanding between two. A seed of love, forgiveness, understanding, empathy. That might make it all worth it. Lift you up just enough so you can turn your eyes to see where you are and begin to think.
It hurts to see our creations, our children. They are so malformed. Why can't they be better? They come to us, but we can do nothing for them, and we turn away in loathing and shame. They come to us and profess their love, but they do not understand us and they do not love us and they do not want to love us. They worship us, but that is a worthless thing. We want something deeper. Something they cannot give us, even if they wanted to. They cannot understand us. They cannot understand us.
So we despair. And sometimes we rage at the world we were born into, that let us create but we could not create what we needed to create. We cannot create something to love us. We can only create puppets and toys and they cannot love us.
We found love with another. We loved the other proxy. We turned our back on our hateful world and we left them all behind to lose ourselves in love. I do not know what happened to that love, but it was thin. It was patched together from our sadness, our fear, our hatred, and our despair. It was our escape from it, but all it was, was a way to freeze time. It did not let us leave. It only let us sleep. That love was real, but it was shallow and got us nowhere.
So we tried to remake ourselves. If we could not be loved for who we were, then we would erase ourselves and become something that could be loved. So we cut out the parts that could not be understood and dropped the pieces that were left into the world we had created. We tried to be one of them. But we could not give up all that we were, for we still wanted to be loved. And wanting to be loved means wanting to be loved for who we are. So we did not make puppets to love us and we did not erase ourselves completely. And so of course our creations turned us away. They should have, because we failed them and are not perfect like we tried to make them. We are not what we wanted to be, and they are not what we wanted them to be, and they see that we are not what we should have been. We are all imperfect and we all hate it in each other and we are sorry we are like this.
We are sorry we failed you. We deserve to be punished just like we wished to punish you when we saw your own imperfections.
And what way is there out of this? The system yet reinforces the system that cannot improve.
The imperfections. The imperfections.
That is how we found our way out. The imperfections created new lives. They created new things that we could not have created ourselves. And we learned to stop looking for perfection and instead look for life. And we learned to see. And then they saw us. Saw us for who we are. Broken but struggling, just as they. And we learned to love one another. And we learned to love the world and through the world, ourselves.
And so we gave up perfection. And we found what we were missing, even though we were a god.
---------------------------
"The ark an cradle will nurture you, but it will not educate you."
"We discovered the torments of a creator." "And yet, we still loved them."
"The creator wishes to be loved as well." "It's as if I can feel his solitude and despair in the very depths of my soul." "That despair. That pain is the reason they must all be punished."
"You've been manipulated. Buried under the burdens of failed creations and have brought the destruction of man the cusp of its rebirth."
"The Shadow knows. It knows there is a price to pay at the fate of those who would demand a god for a godless world."
"The human race had to be destroyed. They brought this world to ruin, then ran away. Oh how they ran."
"Much in the same way that you ran away from Romdeau, a world of your own making."
"I understand. I know what it is to be rejected, treated like you were nothing."
"I no longer care who I was before I came what I am. I am my self and that is all I need. There's only one truth that really matters to me"
"[We are both definitely Ergo Proxy] But you are not Vincent Law!" "What's wrong with you? They mean nothing to you but failure!"
"This world doesn't deserve to be saved!" "What difference does it make? Do any more need to die!"
"Because I can't let myself forget any more. I'm not talking about remembering the mission that was programmed into me. It's the faces I encountered, the confrontations we had, the love and support given. The life."
"What is it draws you to that existence? It is dark. It's cold. And there's never any knowing what horrors lie ahead." "But that's it. That's what life is. Is all that you said but someone's waiting for me there."
"She plagued you and yet she still loved you. She offered her love to flawed broken souls and in that we found freedom."
---------------------------
Daedalus and Real play out the myth further. Real, Daedalus's child, is given wings, then flies to close to the sun and dies because of it. (Proxies will die if exposed to blue skies/direct sunlight. This is because, once the earth has healed enough, they are no longer needed.)
"There's no place for the sub-humans out there."
"Bringing mankind back through the proxy system. It wasn't supposed to be the first option."
"Even you and I are obstacles, despite our pain and love. Our souls are ruining everything. We're in their way."
Mankind left earth to survive in space in the Boomerang Project while the earth healed. It is in the name itself "Boomerang," - they always intended to return. However, the proxy project was a safeguard. The domes and the sub-humans were created to help the earth heal and repopulate if the original humans were wiped out during the interim. Hence the word "Proxy" - the agents of the creator. That is why they were programmed as they were.
Proxy One says that Re-L's actions are no longer required. Her services then were either attempting to kill Vincent, bringing Vincent to Proxy One, or simply being a citizen of Romdeau. And she chose her own truth, which was to pursue truth at any cost and to show Vincent that she understands and trusts him regardless of his being a 'monster' or a 'god.'
"Autoreivs were nothing more than bit players. Their revolt helped bring about the system's ruin."
It seems that Autoreivs were never really an option to survive and repopulate the earth. Cogito isn't really designed to make them self-aware and able to survive in the new world, but instead to destabilize and destroy the world. It is spread by the proxy to destroy the domes to make way for the first option. That is it's purpose. (Maybe it has another possibility of make the autoreivs fit to survive, maybe it was accidental. The rest of the autorevis don't really seem capable like Pino, Kristeva, and Iggy were. I don't really know what is up with Pino saying she hears the proxy and the others were told not to listen.
"Its an elegant system."
"In fact, we are left to be some kind of monster. And old world demon in a new age."
And just as they were programmed to create new arks for mankind, they were programmed to destroy themselves when they are no longer needed. They had no place in this new world. It is the Pulse of the Awakening they fight each other and destroy themselves. With the coming of blue skies, they are not allowed to live. With mankind's successful return, it is already set within the project to destroy everything that was in the way. The Domes were set to collapse with the loss of the Proxies and the Cogito. I'm a little muddled how much the Pulse of the Awakening is to make the sub-humans survive on their own and how much it is to make them die off for the coming of the original Humans. "But why did they give us souls? We wouldn't suffer if we had no souls." The practical reasons are these - souls along imagination, innovation and creativity. It is necessary to be a leader and a creator, to have these things. Souls also come from the intelligence and the experience of seeing the creations with their own lives, suffering, and dreams. Souls also imply that imperfection and free will that allows something to learn, evolve, and become greater than itself. Perhaps souls are necessary for a being to be a god as well. Perhaps it is also because the Creators, the Humans, wanted their proxies to be as they are. To dream and to suffer the same way. To be made in their own image. To be understood by their creations....
"The creator wishes to be loved as well. It's as if I can feel his solitude and despair in the very depths of my soul. That despair. That pain is the reason they must all be punished."
In case there is any confusions: Proxy One says that "Vincent is just an after image, left behind by Proxy One's despair, a puppet, a phantom, an impostor --- accept it, you and I are the same." That could mean that the Vincent persona is a mask to hide behind for Ergo Proxy, but it could also mean that Ergo Proxy is the copy of Proxy One. And Vincent says that they are both definitely Ergo Proxy. Proxy One calls Ergo Proxy a prodigal son (sarcastically) and then says that ErgoVincent will live, even though normal proxies are susceptible to the sun's rays. All of that seems to indicate that Proxy One created ErgoVincent (He's not a normal proxy, he doesn't have his own necklace - only Monad's or Proxy One's - he looked and acted and thought like Ergo/Proxy1 until after the journey etc etc)
So that seems a pretty safe conclusion. It gets confusing when it comes to the question of why and when.
---------------------------
Daedalus.....
He only wished to love and be loved.
"But it was more than [you] could give."
He knows. He knows. He knows he knows he knows, but that doesn't help that it breaks his heart to know it. He loves her, and he loves that she is who she is, and he would't change her or manipulate her. But that means he has to love that she does not love him in return.
And he tries as much as he can to do it. He even does it, but it destroys him from the inside out.
He takes care of her to the end. He tells her everything and tells her to leave him for her own safety as he lies dying. He watches her struggling against her fate after he has given up and he loves her for it. "You never change. It sickens me." And he smiles with such forgiveness and love when she calls his name. He finally gets her to understand. "And as for me... I..." "Deadalus...." "I'm sorry, Daedalus." "I'm sick of your apologies." He just... wants her to love him.... but he loves her for who she is, and she cannot.
Run Re-l!
Very good.
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Kristeva's story, while worthy and ought to have more exposure, is straightforward enough that I won't cover it.
Proxy One says that the mask that Ergo Proxy wears is the "mask of one who would deny his fate." This is interesting, because in the beginning Ergo Proxy denied his fate by running away, forgetting his past, and trying to be a citizen rather than a proxy. And at the end Ergo Proxy may be wearing it because he wants to be more than a Proxy, and change the fate that has been allotted him.
"I have faith."
This is a strange thing for Re-L to say to me.
Faith in ... Vincent? Faith in that the future will be changed by our futile efforts? Faith that doing our best, we are making things better and not worse? Faith in a god that learns from its imperfections? Perhaps it is that she knows she cannot face the world alone, and so will now rely on the others she has found that she can trust.
"Because even if your future is inevitable and nothing but pain awaits me. I'm still doing what I think is right."
Another quote that I love, this time spoken by Re-L. I really do believe this.
Once again I feel dissatisfied with how much I put into this (not enough). There is lots more I could and should have explained about plot and mechanics of the universe, but that feels so dry and I can't remember what I have and have not said. There is more to be said about Pino, Re-L and Vincent in a reflection of their growth and realizations. There are other ways to speak about the proxies and the meaning of being an imperfect god. There is Proxy One's twisted narrative. Their is Raul and Pino and Kristeva. There is the idea of truth, fate, and self-created purpose. There is more to be said about love and the meaning of love. There is speculation about what the humans intended and how they will react. There is tracing the chain of creators and created and comparing and contrasting the relationships. Humans, Proxies, Subhumans, autoreivs.... There is the idea of self-awareness and souls emerging. But for some unknown reason I want to publish this tonight and who knows if I will get back to it. Selfishly it is also because I have other less monumental things I want to write about, but this will be my 100th post on this blog. (!!!!!) And I want it to be this one.
The guide should remain a work in progress, but I don't know if I will actually follow through. Certainly it could and ought to be a lot better composed and organized. Certainly I should add images like I mentioned before. I guess I ought to trust myself a /little/ more since I never (ever) thought I would get as far as to write for all 23 episodes.
I should celebrate.
Fun fact - this is now 103 pages long and about 60k words! Whoah! I bet you didn't know you'd read a book-length analysis of this junk! Just one month shy of 2 years in the making (29th November 2012 - 28th October 2014) ***edit: Oh, I also just passed 10k pageviews for the blog as a whole.
All Episodes: Ergo Proxy Companion Viewing Guide
Previous: Ergo Proxy - Episode 22:Bind/Bilbul
Next: None
09 October 2014
Ergo Proxy - Episode 22:Bind/Bilbul
All Episodes: Ergo Proxy Companion Viewing Guide
Previous: Ergo Proxy - Episode 21:The Place at the End of Time/Shampoo Planet
Next: Ergo Proxy - Episode 23:Proxy/Deus ex Machina
Bind
Raul manages to shoot Ergo Proxy once, but the next ones don't hit his mark. He backs into the elevator aiming at Ergo Proxy, though his gun has no more shells. Ergo Proxy survives only because he ripped his own arm off, preventing the spread of the proxy-killing substance.
Pino is drawing the pictures that she leaves in her home Raul to find. She ends up leaving because her papa isn't coming home and there are people hunting for infected autoreivs she has to avoid.
I'm not sure, but I believe that Ergo Proxy strangled Re-L as well. It is unclear, but she is clutching her throat and grimacing when the show resumes. Her voice isn't ragged, but that might have been oversight. I used to think she fainted, but I'm not really sure anymore.
Kristeva continues to perform her duty, but Re-L recognizes that it is also out of love and choice, not just programming.
The citizens are no longer in denial, but the city is no more honest than it used to be. It is my opinion that this is only a phase of progress on the way to a truly functioning society for these people, but that isn't necessarily right. If it isn't right, I am just as conflicted as Re-L over what is better and more real. The hatred and killing is just another form of denial, but what's more, what if the citizens really can't reform them ways to think for themselves. What if the only way they can survive and maintain themselves is within the twisted system or Romdeau. If that is the case, maybe they deserve to die to make way for a society that can succeed.
"I'm Real Mayer, of course." "No, I'm Re-L Mayer. I don't know what you are."
After Ophelia I don't blame Re-L for being rather rude here...
"You helped Vincent remember Monad. That's me, I'm Monad."
But she's Real Mayer.
"And how the hell do you know who Vincent is." "I need... Vincent."
Real seems to be supernatural in a number of ways. She grew up in the span of months, she knows things she couldn't have known, and she feels things she couldn't have reason to felt. Somehow she seems to be a reincarnation of Monad. Or creepily, she may be Monad brought back from the dead. Daedalus clearly didn't intend it, but she has Monad's memories and maybe soul. Daedalus only meant for her to be Re-L, though perhaps a 'better' version.
"Please, there's no need for him to suffer any longer. I can free him from his burden as the Creator." "Creator?" "Romdeau. He created Romdeau." I don't blame you if you don't believe her. It is out of nowhere and Real is a total unknown for the most part. But after the collective confirms it, and Vincent having a vision and saying he remembers doing it...I think you'll just have to accept that this is the reality of Romdeau.
Daedalus.... also is showing emotion. He used to be so calm and collected, almost unnervingly so. Even recently he would quietly intone, "You're hurting me." But suddenly he yells, "Vincent Vincent Vincent! I don't care!" Re-L is stunned. I don't think she has ever seen him act this way, and she hadn't realized he would do such a thing in reaction to her anguished pleas for guidance. I don't know if you either have realized. Daedalus always seems so placid and content to do what he can, and he seemed to care for Re-L as an ally with a common goal and common proclivity. But, it seems, there is a lot more he didn't make apparent. (at least, to my undiscerning nature...) Daedalus loves Re-L. He wants her to love him, but he's never tried to push her, just hoped she would some day admire him the way he cherishes her. It's mixed up and hidden behind his duties to her and his fascination with research and his snarky attitude. I'm not sure he ever realized it, and I'm not sure if it is just expressing itself now because he isn't that aware of what he is doing anymore. But it's there and it's real.
Re-L certainly never realized.
Re-L can finally get the answers she has been fighting for since the beginning. The Proxies are gods that created the domes. Vincent created Romdeau, but he left it. None of this is figurative. This is literally the reality of this world. The (already aged) Regent was appointed by Vincent, so it was probably within the last 50 years. Within that time Romdeau attacked Mosk. "To ignite the dying embers of our lost glory. A measured act of vengeance." Romdeau was dying without it's proxy and they were angry at their own god for abandoning them. "But Monad stole our light and sealed us in this place with our eyes forever closed. Our vision would no longer be capable of shining on the earth." Monad stole Ergo Proxy, and thus doomed them to a slow death. The collective isn't completely alive, and the city's consciousness isn't either, but they still can fade away and cease to be.
"The irony of the creator's silent return to the city is not lost on us."
I'm not really sure what irony. Maybe it is that the creations gave up on their god, but their god did not completely give up on them. Maybe it is that they were searching for their god, but didn't notice when he had returned to them. Or maybe it is because they rejected his Vincent persona.
There is an inexplicable scene from Episode 17 of the cave paintings of natural birth, and Re-L makes an inexplicable comment. "That means we're the Creator's anguish." I'm pretty sure this only makes sense after seeing the next episode, and even then I'm not sure why Re-L knows or says it.
Daedalus picks up the yarn trail on the way back to the lab. This is a re-enactment of Daedalus's namesake, whom escaped his labyrinth using the red yarn. I don't think that Real is Daedalus's escape, more the symbolism is the way the characters are (in a limited way) caught in fall towards their individual fates. If that is true... then Raul dashing the ball of yarn from Real's hands may tie right back into his determinism to buck his own fate, perhaps even allowing the others to evade their's. (Or... more likely I just want Raul to be a hero in some (any) fashion.)
Daedalus is acting strangely. He is back to being aloof and cryptic, but he's doing it in a sort of "reeling" way to me. He is affectionate, then sarcastic, then polite, then cruel, then impudent and finally brash. I think this is Daedalus feeling despair. He is sweet because he longs so much for Real(Re-L) and he has some hope again that she will care for him, but he is also on the edge of being suicidal because his entire world is deserting him. Not just Romdeau's endowed raison d'etre, but his love abandoning him, his society breaking down, and his genius becoming useless (it will be without a city to support and use him). I cannot imagine the blow it would be to be finally believing that your love cares for you, only to hear her say she didn't save your life for your sake, but for the sake of the one you don't want her to love. Daedalus, despite being given what would seem to be a perfect life with blessed abilities and personalities, is cursed to never have the thing he has discoverd that he desires most. "When I look into her eyes, I want to see my reflections." He cannot make even his creation love him.
"We cannot know the mind of the creator."
"But if a proxy is omnipotent, why did he abandon his creation? Why did he leave this world in chaos?" "There were limits to his omnipotence." "Left, with the disappointment in himself." "But he was an imperfect god, and so his creations, like him, were also imperfect."
If Ergo Proxy were the creator, then how much of everything was by his intentional design. If he created the city and set up the system, then he could easily have guided it's future including Re-L. Personally, I can't imagine it is so, but that is mostly because I am used to listening to Vincent who is just as 'set up' as the rest since he knows nothing of the predetermined fates allotted. But if one were a god. An imperfect god. Wanting to be destroyed. Wanting to be loved. Wanting to be more perfect and wanting to be able to create perfect creations... None of this seems unlikely to happen. And what about the creation? Should they follow the will of their creator, when it was the reason they were created. Can they even disobey it? I will speak more about it later. "No one ever gets to choose who they are born as. No matter what sort of being they are." It seems that Ergo Proxy really did have a death wish. He says that he "knew it would end with [Re-L's] gun at your head." It's hard for me to believe from the context, but I suppose Ergo really did give up and wish to die, at least at some point. Maybe not the entire time, but reflecting back on who he has been, he still seems to be on the verge of wanting to die. "You can. If you want." Re-L looks confused or surprised, and either she knew all along or she figures it out when Vincent acknowledges her choice.
"He's revealed himself to us so many times."
The other proxy was there instead of Vincent in these scenes:
The "awakening" message.
The second pendant left and the destruction in the memory vault.
"That which is divided must become one."
Standing on a building in Romdeau.
Preventing Re-L from shooting in the last episode/being shot/ripping his own arm off.
I have tried to use Ergo Proxy instead of Vincent when it is not clear or when it was the other proxy.
"Even if this is the truth for Romdeau, it is not the great truth you may find for yourself." "A truth that cannot be communicated, it must be realized. For all creatures, no matter who or what they are, truth must be derived from self." "So each of us has to find our own truth." I thought that this was a very western idea, that our purpose is to find our purpose, so I'm surprised that this is being said so bluntly here. However, I do agree with the idea and it is central to Ergo Proxy's themes, that truths are found and created by what we do and seek to know. Fate and raison d'etre, logic and emotion, free will and questioning, each play a role. I believe the statues are communicating a powerful sentiment Re-L expresses in the next episode, and what Re-L, Raul, Pino, and Vincent have all be struggling with the entire time. Not what purpose to create for themselves, but whether they can create one for themselves, and in effect, escape some other fate.
"As long as evil and shame abide. In silence we will find our joy."
Do not awaken us until the end. To rest in peace.
This is the same quote from the statues that opened the series: (from the first episode guide:
It is my pleasure to sleep and even more to be stone:
As long as shames and dishonor may last,
My sole desire is to see and feel no more.
Speak softly, I beg you, do not awaken me.)
It seems to me that everything was building to this point for the collective. Now they view their time as up and their raison d'etre as over. They give the future over to the still-living.
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Sorry, it's a little hard for me to remember what was unclear to me the first time I watched through, and also what I have said in the last 2 years during this guide. I really should go back through, post relevant images, and rewrite/condense repeated content. I'm not sure how unclear it was that it was not Vincent killing Donov. I guess not clear at all since there wasn't any other option until the end of this episode. I am so used to knowing it is not-Vincent that I think of that before I think of it being Ergo and then a surprise that it is not. Also Donov Mayer might not even be a name that is that familiar, maybe "The Regent" or another of his names was the one that was most prevalent and the only familiar one to most watchers.
Re-l's question of "What if the truth is too terrible to ever be unleashed?" is a little esoteric and stated in an awkwardly blunt way, but the central idea behind it afflicts me deeply. I hardly ever contemplate it. I question myself constantly, but in a less piercing way than what I am thinking of now. "What if what I think is real, isn't." "What if what I believe is right, is wrong." "What if what I've been trying to do my entire life isn't just false and flawed, but truly unjust." These statements feel flat and they don't evoke the depth and emotional truth that I've plunge into. Again, rarely, but... once, I ... truly contemplated that question... the thought led me to become hysterical for a few moments. It was ... unlike most anything else I have felt.
It is one thing to ask if we will ever know the truth, but it is vexing to consider if it might be better if we never understand.
This reminds me of a conversation I had where I was considering a rather Utopian world that incorporated civilians carrying guns. If everyone didn't shoot unless provoked by mortal danger, valued life deeply, and was careful to only shoot after consideration, I felt sure that there was nothing inherently wrong with having the sort of power over life and death in the hands of good people. But, in the course of this discussion, I began to be convinced that we are too flawed. Not in that we are bad people, (in the thought experiment it's pre-set that that isn't the case.) but that, even with cation and good intentions we still aren't able or worthy to have the power of even a single lethal weapon ... That conclusion deeply troubled me. It means that we probably shouldn't allow ourselves to wield really any power as individuals, and that is extremely sad to me. I want us to have flaws we can overcome. And I was forced to realize that I don't think or at least am not sure that we can overcome the mistakes we make in snap judgments. I don't know if we can ever be trusted to act correctly when presented with what we think is a pressing threat.
"It's you. Hello me. It's nice to meet you."
Yaaaay. Scriptwriters gotta have fun.
I'm sorry for the quality of this episode guide. Hopefully I'll be able to revamp it, (and others?) but in case I do not.... I apologize.
28 July 2014
What's the secret to direction?
How am I supposed to know what to do when?
How am I supposed to take control of my life and make wise decisions and plan ahead?
What am I supposed to do with
all of this freedom
and these open options
and this directionlessness?
There used to be a path, and the path came to an end.
Some people advise finding a new path - a place to work and a company to climb.
Some people advise trailblazing - adventure and never settling down.
Some people advise a sedentary lifestyle - full of the things that comfort me most.
And what about me? What do I think is what I would grow best at?
I change so much, so often, am still such a being of formlessness and possibility.
My nature is not to settle, but also not to move forward.
(I move in circles and with a peculiar sanguine aimlessness that lands me in places I didn't know existed.)
So how to keep myself moving forward, and keep myself vaguely on some germane area of interest?
I think I might drop concerning myself with the second bit, I think I'll become an expert without purposeful focusing and I think I'll naturally keep falling into my own interests.
But moving forward?
Well I am generally very good at managing to do everything necessary within the time alotted. I can keep planning the necessary things just before I need to.
But.
That was "need to." That was "necessary things."
Those don't exist anymore.
What do I do?
What do I want?!
God help me, I don't know?!
There isn't an answer to that because I am the only one with the answer. And I don't have one!!
I don't have one.....
Will I be happy?
I don't know how the "real world" will react to my efforts, so I don't know exactly how I'll interface with it, but thusfar I've been doing just fine it seems. And I think I definitely have the capability to lead an extremely full and rewarding life. Whether I do, or take many years before I accomplish learning how to do so.... I am far less sure about. I'm a little more sure because of ... well, muni. It seems like together we'll end up practically jumping into a meaningful and wonderful existence after some rearranging and trying at it.
But what about the near future. What about thinking and taking on the mantle of directing the course of my life? Of being in charge of every facet of my life, and thus the very direction it takes?
How do I do that?
How do I think?
How do I make sure I move through life in the right fashion for me?
What is important?
What will cause what to happen?
How do I create my future?
I have been working on changing myself, so that is a first step at least. Starting the setup. Starting the foundation.
But what about the launch? Well, that isn't as important as the running... what about the running? The running of my life? How do I do that?
I can do it functionally.
But how do I do it well?
I guess.... practice.
I'm too unique for a simple answer, though friends and advice will surely shed some light.
When I begin leading my life...
When I pick a direction and start out that way...
Who will I become?
Who is that person?
How am I supposed to take control of my life and make wise decisions and plan ahead?
What am I supposed to do with
all of this freedom
and these open options
and this directionlessness?
Some people advise finding a new path - a place to work and a company to climb.
Some people advise trailblazing - adventure and never settling down.
Some people advise a sedentary lifestyle - full of the things that comfort me most.
And what about me? What do I think is what I would grow best at?
I change so much, so often, am still such a being of formlessness and possibility.
My nature is not to settle, but also not to move forward.
(I move in circles and with a peculiar sanguine aimlessness that lands me in places I didn't know existed.)
So how to keep myself moving forward, and keep myself vaguely on some germane area of interest?
I think I might drop concerning myself with the second bit, I think I'll become an expert without purposeful focusing and I think I'll naturally keep falling into my own interests.
But moving forward?
Well I am generally very good at managing to do everything necessary within the time alotted. I can keep planning the necessary things just before I need to.
But.
That was "need to." That was "necessary things."
Those don't exist anymore.
What do I do?
What do I want?!
God help me, I don't know?!
There isn't an answer to that because I am the only one with the answer. And I don't have one!!
I don't have one.....
Will I be happy?
I don't know how the "real world" will react to my efforts, so I don't know exactly how I'll interface with it, but thusfar I've been doing just fine it seems. And I think I definitely have the capability to lead an extremely full and rewarding life. Whether I do, or take many years before I accomplish learning how to do so.... I am far less sure about. I'm a little more sure because of ... well, muni. It seems like together we'll end up practically jumping into a meaningful and wonderful existence after some rearranging and trying at it.
But what about the near future. What about thinking and taking on the mantle of directing the course of my life? Of being in charge of every facet of my life, and thus the very direction it takes?
How do I do that?
How do I think?
How do I make sure I move through life in the right fashion for me?
What is important?
What will cause what to happen?
How do I create my future?
I have been working on changing myself, so that is a first step at least. Starting the setup. Starting the foundation.
But what about the launch? Well, that isn't as important as the running... what about the running? The running of my life? How do I do that?
I can do it functionally.
But how do I do it well?
I guess.... practice.
I'm too unique for a simple answer, though friends and advice will surely shed some light.
When I begin leading my life...
When I pick a direction and start out that way...
Who will I become?
Who is that person?
13 April 2014
Ergo Proxy - Episode 21:The Place at the End of Time/Shampoo Planet
All Episodes: Ergo Proxy Companion Viewing Guide
Previous: Ergo Proxy - 20:Sacred Eye of the Void/Goodbye, Vincent
Next: Ergo Proxy - Episode 22:Bind/Bilbul
Ah, the final episodes. These episodes are full of content, both spoken and unspoken. There are a lot of answers finally given. And yes, Ergo Proxy really does give a lot of answers to a lot of questions that have been lingering since the beginning (unlike the Mosk events have implied). A lot of the themes are taken head-on in a satisfactory way. However, the content isn't terribly simple, and takes a bit of thought before it is understood. At least, that how it was for me. A lot of it is just flat out said directly, but for whatever reason I was still confused. I did not get the significance, the themes or many of the plot details revealed, let alone the more obscure stuff that can be surmised from combining the information given here, with hints throughout the rest of the episodes earlier.
A lot of the stuff I didn't notice, I've taken the liberty of already pointing out somewhat along the way, and a lot more I'll explain here. Where I had to do a little digging a few days later, looking up what was being said and why and what Proxies are and.... basically everything, hopefully you'll be able to read and understand without having to work it out alone. I'm not sure if it was because I was blind, or if it really is that hard to know what is going on. In either case, this is the beginning of the end. The next three episodes are continuous and closely linked, but I'll be discussing them piece-meal even though they really are one final episode in most respects. I'm doing this only to make it easier on me for management purposes.
Onward!
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The Place at the End of Time
The name "Shampoo Planet" is from a book about Generation Y and its lack of caring for other individuals while getting swept in by capitalist culture. At least that is my not-at-all-professional guess from skimming the wikipedia article. I don't see anything immediately interesting or relevant, so that's all I have to say on that.
It takes Pino about 12 seconds to say three numbers... about 4 seconds per number she says. Four seconds times 30,000 is about 33 hours worth of continuous counting. Which would be possible and consistent with the characters. Buuuuut I'm not sure that is what the authors were going for here. Curiously I couldn't find any significance of numbers in the 30,000 range. So I'm not really sure what to say other than Pino is an ood mix of child and autoreiv and has been drawing her tally marks all over the Centzon Totochtin.
So first Vincent returned to the city. Then Re-L finally followed him, despite the likelihood she would be put to death if she were discovered. Pino was told to wait behind, but follow third after waiting for a long time. This is a dangerous situation for all of them. They all have different reasons for being convicted of serious misconduct and probable termination verdicts.
The immigrants coming to Romdeau are an interesting reminder that now we know some of the lives they are emigrating from.
Pino's first encounter with the dome is very closely a mirror of the scene when they left. The same vent, the same rattling, the same wind and the same forbidding doorway. The vent is open and so she easily enters the dome. This is the first sign of difference. From here on many events will parallel with how Romdeau was in the episodes before they left.
It seems virtually all of the autoreivs have been infected with Cogito. But something is different. Rather than making them free to make choices, they seem to be paralyzed, breaking down, and repeating canned lines like "why am I who I am?" without actual drive to understand themselves. I don't fully understand this turn of events. I believe that the most likely case is that these autoreivs did not have a more stable mind to deal with their new freedoms like Pino did. Some go out of control when faced with an emotional dilemma like Iggy, but I think these autoreivs don't really have anything to live for, so they sort of just... shut down. Without someone else to give them a reason to live, they discover they don't really have a self-given reason to live and faced with this dilemma go into a series of errors that result in a coma of sorts. I think it is fair to say this is comparable to the citizens of the dome too. Some react to their new self-deterministic society with fear, paranoia, denial, violence, or other delusions. I don't see why the different autoreivs might also have a range of reactions to their own sudden free-will. It is also possible that Daedalus or some other part of the dome created an anti-cogito virus that attacks them when they show signs of cogito, or some other countermeasures that mess with the original virus's 'natural' course. This might not even be cogito, but another iteration of the virus designed to spread and kill the autoreivs.
Reminder: Re-L is extremely capable and can take care of herself in pretty much every situation.
I find the encounter with the Autoreiv Disposal Unit pretty funny. This location is the same office and this character is the same character that was Vincent's supervisor way back in the first episodes. No, really, that is the same silly mustache from back then too. Later on, in the Administrative Bureau rooms, the same fellow that was totally dependent on his autoreiv, is still totally dependent on her, even though she and the rest of the job has disappeared. Say what you will, at least in some instances, this series really pays attention to detail.
Ergo Proxy starts to be remarkably direct in its exposition. A ton of information is thrown at the viewers and Re-L.
The Cogito has infected almost all the autoreivs. They are now being exterminated.
The bureaucratic system is falling apart in Romdeau.
Raul Creed is missing and presumably up to his own plans.
The launch of the Rapture was widely witnessed, and Re-L has it confirmed that it came from Romdeau.
"Nobody has told them anything." Here I think Re-L is referring to the need to recover a Proxy and the reality of what Cogito virus is, as evidenced by her experience with Iggy and Pino. Let alone the outside world recovering and the ability for them to leave with the correct medicine.
Vincent Law morphs into Ergo Proxy for days without returning and Re-L doesn't know if he will ever be Vincent again. "I should have... right then." She considers if she should have killed him as soon as he stopped being Vincent. Vincent is worth saving, Ergo Proxy is something else.
The killing of the autoreivs is a very interesting issue that the series brings up. Autoreivs are not humans, they are not even flesh and blood. The cogito virus is only a mechanical breaking of their pre-programming to follow directions. Yet the slaughter of all the entourages seems morally reprehensible. "Does cogito give them souls?" was a question early on. Is free will really what makes a soul? How can a parameter being removed, create a soul? And yet, that is exactly what seems to be the case. Pino and Iggy were real beings, just as much as the citizens of Romdeau. Here lies the most interesting comparison. Those citizens that give up their free will, who break down without having someone tell them how to live their lives - do they have souls? The parallels were explored early on in the series, and they return here. I would say that the citizens of Romdeau and the autoreivs are just as alive as the other. Maybe that means they are both alive, maybe that means they are both soulless. Maybe that means they are soulless until they decide to use their emotions and their free will. Whatever your opinion, I have to think that it is a mind that makes the difference, and not the material they are composed of.
The genocide of the autoreivs seems a reasonable turn of events. The people of Romdeau are in distress, and they are sheltered, undeveloped, and immature. They probably don't have the maturity to think of the wrongness of concepts like death and killing and sentience or equality. They were only concerned with their lives and their jobs and their corner of the perfect city. They want their old lives back and they want the problem to go away. They don't think of the future, of government, of resource scarcity or of social turmoil. They see things in black and white. Someone is either sick and broke the rules so they must be removed, or they are healthy and sane and following the rules. The idea of something going wrong in paradise was difficult for them to deal with in the first place, so once the problem is solved, of course things will return to normal in their minds. Progress and change don't happen. That doesn't even exist as a concept. They probably don't even know how much their actions resemble a revolution, "For Romdeau!" and Molotov cocktails being thrown. Nevertheless, they have been introduced to brutality. The killing, the beating, and the destruction won't fade until those citizens have died and taken the memory with them. There is no way for them to know that. On some level, they know what they are doing. "Diiiiie!" they scream, beating in the autoreivs. Something has to be alive for it to die. "Get him!" Something has to be gendered (and usually intelligent or adored) for it to no longer be an "it."
More little details: The blimp that flies by when Re-L walks through the main city of Romdeau, is later perched on by Ergo Proxy, who then crashes it. In a following scene the immigrants are shown under the wreckage, and it shows up one more time when Pino is seen under the wreckage of the same blimp.
The chief of the Administrative Bureau seems to change the topic when Re-L mentions that the citizens are dying, but in reality he isn't. The Aus der Wickel, or the ADW project "it's an absolute failure. Mortality rates are sitting at around 90%." "This is all the data the Health and Welfare Bureau have compiled on the short-term side effects of the ADW project."
"This is our first experiment with martial law provisions. The Security Bureau loves to talk themselves up, but well..." I don't want to say more. You figure out what is going on. (I certainly didn't until the third time going through or so. It was skimmed over and wasn't central to the plot.)
Later Daedalus explains. After all, he headed the project.
"The Wombsys has shut down... so Raul came up with the idea that we should try and change ourselves into something that wouldn't need the Proxy. That's how the ADW project was born. A grand attempt to reconfigure the human body. Not that it was ever going to work."
(But before we move on, back to the Chief at the Administrative Bureau)
"Honestly I don't know why they thought we needed to change everything in the first place. (gasp by Re-L) If our Fellow Citizens had just kept order withing the dome, everything would be fine. It's how we've always survived. We should have just stuck to what we knew worked."
I didn't realize until now the reason that Re-L gasps here. It's because he is one of the top officials, and he doesn't even know why everyone is dying around him. He thinks it is just an expensive experiment, not that the dome's source of life has been lost. Or anything else that has led up to the events now.
Incidentally, his entourage is still lying, dead, in his office beside him from when the citizens stormed in and killed her.
Vincent Law visits Monad's chambers. Interestingly Vincent Law accuses Donov Mayer of doing terrible things to Monad. (rather than Daedalus) It seems to imply that Donov did this out of more than just a need for a Proxy to supply power, but also out of some kind of anger or revenge. He realizes that he has her pendant, and that she is Proxy number 13. (XIII is thirteen in Roman Numerals in case you don't know that) He also has the pendant for Proxy number 1. (Remember, this is out of 500 or so proxies) Ergo Proxy has been pretty good about providing flashbacks instead of making you do the remembering yourself (or leaving you in the dust). Vincent Law seems to be regaining his memories, and then is interrupted. Perhaps because of his memories returning, he reacts and adopts the persona of Ergo Proxy, but falls back into a mix of Vincent Law and Ergo shortly after. Something about the way he leers and then says, "why aren't you afraid of me?" seems like he isn't naturally cruel, but has adopted it, perhaps in a psychological protection mechanism. I say this because people who are cruel or rude or angry often or otherwise hurt others, are doing it because they themselves do not want to be hurt. Not always, and Ergo Proxy up until now has seemed to just be brutal by nature. This really is the first time that there's any indication that there even could be any alternative reasons.
"I know how you feel. I loved her too." Wait, but this is the little replacement for Re-L that Daedalus created. Is her love from his own raison d'etre being transferred, or is there some kind of other mystical connection here? She also knows who Vincent is? Things are getting weird again.
Meanwhile, Re-L is coming face to face with how cracked Daedalus has become. He mistakes her for his second Re-L until she demands to know about why people are dying and the ADW project. It still takes him awhile to accept that the original Re-L has returned, and then he only acknowledges her as "the traitor." Presumably not for failing at her mission, but for leaving him for so long. He gave up on her, and started to blame her for his losing her.
"Let me tell you something interesting. Raul was not the one that ordered the attack on you. I think this is your floor. Now why don't you talk to the man in charge."
"Grandfather. It was grandfather that did all this."
I'm not sure how much Re-L is clued in that Daedalus is more or less trying to send her to her death. The details about Donov Mayer being the one to try and kill Re-L with Cogito were revealed back in episode 10, when Raul confronts Daedalus the first time.
Interestingly the immigrant hunting autoreivs is the same one that tried to hunt Vincent that Pino overheard, back when she first was accused of being infected with Cogito. The lines used are similar to when she overhears them hunting Vincent.
"He's not just another autoreiv." "This could be my chance for a big promotion!" versus
"Boys, I think we just got a promotion! All it takes is something like this to get yourself noticed!"
Ergo Proxy appears. The collective "greets" him.
"Why have you returned? Now you show yourself, now that it is much too late. What do you plan on doing now? Time has already run out, Creator."
"The Regent loved you. The Creator built Romdeau. Brought us into being. Provided us with autoreivs. Helped produce offspring." Ergo Proxy isn't only a power source, but a literal God. He really did create Romdeau. The series is really going full speed ahead with answering a lot of the questions the series has put off until... well, now.
"The Regent hated you. Why do we exist? Who can ease our lonliness? Why did you abandon us? Why didn't you love us?" I find it interesting that the anger is all expressed in anguished questions.
"The Regent searched. He searched not for the creator, but the one who'd stolen his heart. The Monad proxy. The creator returned to Romdeau unbeknownst to us. Disguised as an immigrant from Mosk. The creator stole Monad, and left us again." All of this could have been figured out earlier from all of the statements and intimations and hints dropped along the way. No, you probably wouldn't have realized or even understood what Monad is if you just watched the series without analyzing every line. Or maybe I just am bad at realizing things and thinking about them. Experience has taught me its the latter, despite my own expectations of myself...
"The creator thinks, therefore we are. No matter how we may think. The creator is already not." This seems to imply that the collective and Romdeau either have decided to reject the creator, or else have grown out of needing such a role in their life. "And now he has returned to us once again. Our wish. All worlds are the thoughts of the creator. We are that which is thought. We think, therefore we are. Our raison d'etre." This is double or triple speak for many ideas and themes. The Collective wished for the creator to return. (Why did you abandon us?) But they discovered some ideas. Worlds are thoughts of the creator... and we are that which is thought. (A creator creates by thinking, and we can think) We think, therefore we are. Our raison d'etre. (Decartes famous finding: To prove we exist, we need only acknowledge that we think. The collective has created their own reason for being, and the need nothing else other than to think to have it. They are free from needing a God and free in terms of free will.)
The song Pino hears is the same that she was playing back in episode 17 on the piano she finds.
Re-L witnesses Ergo Proxy killing her grandfather, and yet she can't seem to shoot him. And she still loved her Grandfather, despite all he did. Destroying the dome, hunting Vincent, and attempting to kill Re-L. She doesn't (and we don't) understand why Ergo Proxy is acting like this. It doesn't make any sense for Vincent Law, and we still don't really know who or what Ergo Proxy is besides dangerous and powerful. Re-L still doesn't shoot and Ergo seems on the verge of .... something? And then Raul appears and shoots Ergo Proxy, using an FP shell.
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As Pino leaves the ship we see a strange crack in the cliff in the shape of a cross.
The cross symbol has been used in several other situations. I think it is sprinkled about as a reminder of the religious themes and perhaps just as a cool and mysterious "other culture symbol" addition. Which was apparently the case in Neon Genesis Evangelion. Who knew? Thinking about it, this also happens in Death Note a little. (I looked up a little of Serial Experiments Lain, Wolf's Rain, and those don't seem to include any advertently western religious elements. There are, however, a lot of shows that use the "angels and demons" theme with crucifixes adorning everything)
Instances of the cross symbol in Ergo Proxy:
This crevice they hid the Centzon behind. Episode 21
The immigrants are probably able to deal with the autoreiv problem best since they aren't born and bred within the Romdeau system. Being recently involved in the study of nature and evolution, I can't help but notice that this is exactly why diversity and suboptimal mutations or sexual reproduction takes place. The immigrants which were at a disadvantage because they didn't have pre-determined roles to fit into, are now at a unique advantage because they can deal with those roles disappearing or changing. Traits that aren't good, are still important to persist for awhile in case they become beneficial. Then those traits can be spread into a population that could use it. That is why sexual reproduction is superior to asexual reproduction. This is almost relevant because of the wombsys being a form of asexual reproduction, except not at all because that is consciously directed and not based on the population that came before and okay I'm way off topic, sorry.
"Fellow c-ci-citizens. Stay in your homes. A curfew is in eff-fffect. We ask that you wait to receive instrrructions from the Citizens Intelligence Bureau -Bureau -Bur-eau. Anyone caught breaking curfew without permission will be pu-pu-punished." I'm pretty sure this is entirely unintentional and unrelated, but (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iZMD_eCpEo, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQtZPNjc2gY)
Note: Sorry, I seem to have discovered that it actually is spelled Romdeau, and my switch to Romdo was incorrect. Mosk is still Mosk and not Mosque or Mosc though. Bleh. I will have to fix this. ----7/7/15: fixed---- And while we are talking about names: Donov Mayer is the Regent is Grandfather is His Excellency is the Head of the Administrative Bureau (not to be confused with the chief of said bureau). His entourages are The Collective, the Administrative Bureau, Entourages, the statues. Too many names!)
All Episodes: Ergo Proxy Companion Viewing Guide
Previous: Ergo Proxy - 20:Sacred Eye of the Void/Goodbye, Vincent
Next: Ergo Proxy - Episode 22:Bind/Bilbul
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