Who I used to be....

I feel almost like I should make a chart.

When I was young, I had convictions.
Real convictions.
I did not float or wander through life. I knew truths of right and wrong and I knew myself. Things just were, and I was as solid as stone when it came to the things I truly, truly knew.

I thought clearly and had almost vow-like attachment on these matters. They were never a list of things, just, things that fit a category of things I noticed and knew. I can repeat most all of them word for word:
I will never drink.
I will never do drugs.
I will never disrespect or hate my parents.
I will never have sex.
I will not wish I were older, nor when I am older will I wish I were younger.
I will not have a child of my own, but I may adopt or mentor some youth some day.
I will never marry, but I may live with someone for awhile. Until it is over. Then they will leave. And that will be it.
I will never smoke or give in to peer pressure about such "status" conflicts.
I will never tell a lie.
I will never cheat.
I will never break a promise.
I will never swear.
I will do right, because it is right.


All of these convictions were firm and clear with the reasons behind them. I knew that most violated them. A few I knew I would even be considered strange or wrong for not doing. But they were true. I would not do them. I knew that. Drinking and drugs were not worth the harm to my body, whatever the benefits. Marrying and having a child were too much commitment, it was beyond my ability to give such a promise of myself or anyone else. Honesty was right. Always. There was no contest on the matter, lying would only prolong, worsen, or create new problems. Swearing had no good enough reason, for the harm it caused. And starting served no purpose, so it would never happen that I would get into the habit in the first place.

Things changed a bit in middle school and high school. In some respects, the fact that it changed at all was huge, but in other respects nothing changed at all.

I had fights with my parents. It was primarily defending myself, not for foolish reasons. It doesn't make me any more comfortable that I destroyed that rule. I thought I knew myself. I also remember clearly thinking, "I am acting like this because I have to practice being angry at someone, and I can only do that safely with my parents. I hope they understand." It was a biological instinct, need, or drive, realized in a very non-instinctual way. I still wonder if there was a better way.

I have sworn sometimes. Mostly in discussing about swearing, and also to improve punchlines of jokes on occasion. But twice I swore in a real way. Once was in a compliment, trying to be as emphatic as words allow. And the other time to my father, trying to get him to understand how upset I was. I also have more recently made "shit" and "hell" not considered full swear words. I still avoid them largely.

I have broken one promise I'm aware of. I promised M****sa I wouldn't become close friends with T**a. I remember the words and I broke that promise. It bothers me and I will not forget that I transgressed so. I realize now I should have never promised, but at the time I thought it would be true anyway.

I have drank alcohol once. It was a sip of wine at Al*******a's pool less that 3 months ago. I don't regret it, but tastes are as far as I'll allow myself, ever.

And that's the real difference. For all of these I have not changed. The only change is a nearly fearful acknowledgement that I may change. I may, someday, destroy these rules. Despite how certain for the present time, and the expectation that I will always hold them, I may not. Still, I will always tell the truth, never cheat, never break promises, never do drugs, never drink alcohol (except a sip once in a great while), swear (unless with great purpose), smoke, or have sex (except if I find a way to that... would not violate who I am. It seems completely impossible).

These certainties were a part of what defined who I was. Yet, they have only weakened and nothing so certain has replaced them. They are still a large part of who I am to myself.

I know, if I told anyone these certainties back when I first knew them, or even years after when I was much older, they would have smiled with confusion and laughed at it, believing I would, could, never do these things seriously. That they are too strict, too idealistic, too unrealistic, and too naive. Even I am, despite my certainty, sometimes surprised that I knew them and that I have still kept to them.

I never told anyone else these certainties, but they never wavered for years. From before elementary school and on through my life. I did not tell my closest friends.... not my family.... no one.
Not because of shame, or just because no convenient opportunity arose. Because they were my truths and should be protected as much as possible.

What defines me now, it feels like nothing. Which I do not like. I am happy I have shed many of my biases and discovered many false convictions and many more things that make up my values, while balancing my previous values better. But still. I have lost some of my foundation and I want to reinforce it again. What is it that I know to be absolutely true?

That there is everything to be found in everything. Yes, but what do I know, for sure, about myself? That I will not lie. That I will always do the best I can. That I will always love and strive to learn about everything. That I will always see the good in things. That I do not need other people, or interaction. That I care more for meaning than for materialism. That I want to be an empath. Most of these are things I knew before. And all of them are not the same, solid unchanging standards I am seeking. Except perhaps that I want to be an empath. So what are those things, now?
I think.... I think these are them: That I will do right, because it is right. That there is beauty, knowledge, and good to be found from everything. That, when push comes to shove, I am strong and will be true to myself. And, strangely, that I love to swim.

Those are things that I know. Will never question... Except, I no longer know myself the way I once did. So can I ever say that again?

Feral Felis domesticus

Lost. In the dark. On a street with apartment buildings yellow-ed by two aged streetlights. Edges of edifices that are barely more than scratches on a black emptiness.







Holding still, but searching and looking and casting about. Not fearful, but so very in the wrong place. Thrown out of habitat, out of familiarity, plucked from a warm safety and left fluttering like a moth in hopeless circles that can't hold their shape.

















Alone with creeping chill. No danger save the gnawing hunger pains. And hardly a question, but an echoing statement. Where do I go?












There is no direction. The light dissipates after the next streetlight, leaving grey forms with no meaning. The next few meters are certain, but after that perception drops off. And what would those few meters gain you, but more certainty of just how there is no place to go?












Strike out, and all there is to find is the absence of the light you are crouching beneath right now. Still, your eyes are sharp, and you peer with a slowly fading intent. Time passes. Nothing changes. A breeze. The flicker of an insect. Most of all the lack of change has becomes apparent and a solidified presence. Your limbs are stiff now, your choice is the same.



























Your eyes are dull with nothing to see. Your mind is numbed with nothing to think.



























What is the light, but a false comfort. In reality the darkness is no more undesirable than the cutting beams that never vary.

















So you stay in the light. If only because it is a fraction more familiar. And the world goes on. Day never arrives. Nobody else comes across you. Nothing stirs. The only passing of time is the slow, undetectable flow of air. It comes from nowhere, and it leaves for nowhere. I would say that decades pass, but time has no meaning in this place.























































Finally, the light went out.





















































































It made no difference.