28 March 2014

Ergo Proxy - 19:The Girl with a Smile/Eternal Smile



The Girl with the Smile

I hate this episode. I hate this episode. It's not as bad as it used to be, but it still sucks.

Two things:
Will B. Good and Smileland are Walt Disney and Disneyland. Eastern animation, western animation. Stuff.
Utilitarianism good or bad? Happiness, whether there can be different kinds of happiness.

There. That's it. That's the episode.

whooooooooooo.


Pino learns some stuff and matures and learns to care a bit more. Vincent and Re-L trust her some more.

A proxy that seems to not be insane is found. A proxy is not fought by avoiding contact. He runs the Smileland dome as director. (*cough* dictator *cough*)

They flirt with the concepts of purpose and unused ideas and artists and creators trying to control their creations.

Pino can't cry, so raindrops.





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This episode still sucks.
(I might go back and add some more thoughts, but honestly, I'd like to leave this as is.)

Ergo Proxy - 18: Sign of the End/Life After God


Sign of the End

A silhouette of Ergo Proxy is seen dancing at the blaze destroying the city.

I forget if I've mentioned before, but they use the surface of the moon as texture for the ground the Rabbit flies over.

Well. Okay. I took a long time waffling over this episode because I was trying to put together a timeline of events, and I can't seem to figure out some of the order of things nor reasons for them taking place. It's a damn shame, because the narrative I want to tell seems to be fatally incomplete without at least a theory on it. But since I can't seem to find any evidence one way or the other, I'm loathe to randomly assign a sequence and an explanation, leaving one gap in an otherwise mostly continuous sequence. It's been irking me every time I come back to write again, and after trying again to figure it out, I keep just walking away in exasperation. But I'm getting nowhere and I have the nagging feeling that I'll figure it all out a couple more episode guides from now, and be temporarily incapacitated by how things so easily slide into place with hindsight. OH WELL. HERE WE GO DESPITE EVERYTHING.
....
oooooooh.
I think I've figured it out this time.

And it does seem to slide into place painfully easily for the most part.

----------


"I can't believe they pushed it this far. Romdeau completely destroyed the city of Mosk. I wonder what Vincent would do if he knew."
Okay, I really have been away for awhile. I had to dig this back up, but remember way back in episode 7? Of course you do! /sarcasm. Daedalus informs Re-L the following lines: "But before that I'd better tell you everything. Right from the very beginning. We called it the Monad proxy. It was plundered from the Mosk dome."
Tadaa! That's how Re-L knows that Mosk suffered damages, and that it was at the hands of Romdeau. (sometime before Deadalus's birth, since he was created in some capacity to look after Monad.) The clip is played later in the episode, as they ascend to the central chamber of the Mosk dome.

"No, this place looks like it's been this way for quite awhile."
I'm not sure why Re-L informs Vincent of her clues that Mosk wasn't destroyed only by the recent attack from Romdeau. Maybe she is refraining from keeping most secrets from him. (but not all, as she doesn't tell about Romdeau and Monad's unsavory relationship.... I wonder.... is it because it is a shared bond with Daedalus that she won't betray? "Our little secret"? It's not the same secret, but they do keep their confidences.)

"Grandfather must have sent the light. But why now? Is he trying to catch another Proxy?"
Iiiiiii'm not sure why she thinks "the light" came from the Regent. I guess she just traced the flight path from Romdeau's location? If she knew of the Rapture missile, surely she would have called it that, rather than "the light."

Vincent doesn't seem to recognize anything about Mosk. Re-l makes a joke, which is pretty harsh, that he "doesn't even recognize his own city center." (maybe citizens don't normally visit the city centers, so maybe it's a little less harsh. I'm guessing that she just is a bit mean-spirited and regretted a couple moments later speaking before processing her words. *cough* I know I've done that.) Vincent knows her pretty well to already know Re-L means it as a joke. They have grown together surprisingly closely.

"You have spent your existence seeking a God who betrayed you. I am free of your illusions. I seek no God and ask for no salvation. I only wish to destroy."
Raul's switch to destruction as a goal doesn't seem clear to me. He had reasons to desire destruction before, but somehow he went from specific reasons to praising destruction itself. Only that isn't completely true either. He doesn't seek destruction for destruction's sake, but as a method to escape fate, it would seem. "You seek to deny destiny by hastening destruction." (This is in contrast to Kazkis) But this too seems problematic. How and why is destruction a method of escape from destiny? My guess is that Raul prefers it to construction merely because of its speed and scope. Raul is overly attached to destruction, but I think what he is motivated by is freedom and escape, rather than destruction itself. Destruction is just a way of breaking out, being uncontrollable and unpredictable. It is a way to move out of the realm of status quo (Which he started out dedicating his life to maintaining) and strike out in new directions beyond the demons of fate that chase him. He is such a tragic figure, knowing his own weaknesses and failures, but trying to fight on despite how screwed up everything, including himself, is. "I ask for no salvation." He only asks the chance to keep fighting.

"Even if our ultimate downfall is inevitable, Romdeau will not perish as long as we are willing to fight."
Raul has swing completely to the other side of a system of values. When once he put great faith in the system and procedure, now he puts great value on the individual and the will.

"And yet we must evolve! We have no choice! We must all learn to do without God from now on. I will not despair."
"Resist for Romdeau, is that it?"
Raul seeks to destroy the old ways for the sake of protecting the city. He thinks that the best way for Romdeau is to improve, and the best way to improve is to rewrite from a better foundation. He thinks the old ways are no longer good enough. It is a little ironic that he says "they have no choice" but to try and defy fate.

"You hope I'll share in your suffering."
"Raul. Soon you will know. The greatest death. The crushing failure. That which is our despair."
The collective seems to believe, that even taking such new and drastic measures, even fighting as hard as possible to survive against fate, that fate will still prevail and destroy everyone.

"Without a past, can I even prove I exist?"
Fun fact: even with a past, can you prove the past is real? It's an old philosophic conundrum. What if all your memories were invented a second ago? How could you tell?

"Why can't we live without a Proxy? Why did Romdeau have to steal a Proxy from someone else?"
These are important questions. The domes need a Proxy to maintain power. Proxies are like gods in this way. But they also are like a god in their insane strengths and supernatural powers. Proxies were created and released... it's still unclear in many ways how the pieces fit together.

"Maybe forgetting was the only way his mind could protect itself.... but if his memory holds the truth...."
It is a basic dilemma. If you could forget something, even a very unpleasant something, you lose all that you learn from it. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" - George Santayana. However, is every truth worth knowing? This same question is asked back with Kazkis, "The truth is like that too. Someday your eyes will be burnt by the light of truth and you will know eternal darkness."

Pino is developing quickly. She keeps being herself, both autoreiv and child. She can see inhumanly far. She reads children's stories and thinks of them as real. She calls the place "scary" and tells Re-L she is "sorry." Then she is reminded she has an infinite memory and batteries. She detects power automatically and memorizes the screens that flicker on in an instant.

"If I were a simple machine, all of this would be so much easier."
This is a huuuuuge theme. I'll skim over here and talk about it more in depth in later episodes, but a central question of Ergo Proxy is "why can't we be lesser?" It's a neat twist on the often more demanded "why aren't we better? Why aren't we naturally more thoughtful, more intelligent, more perfect, more capable, more powerful?" Instead, autoreivs wish they didn't think or feel. Humans wish they didn't think or feel. They insinuate that they could be happier serving mindlessly instead of "asking these questions." That being said, it's pretty sad that Amnesia was loaded with the task of carrying the memories that Ergo sought refuge from, but even so, he was created for the job. However, he notes: "Conscious entities will sometimes amputate their memories to save a failing sense of sanity. Dementia or amnesia, take your pick. Thank god we met before it ever came to that." And Amnesia, in giving the definition and reason for amnesia implies that he too forgot something in order to protect himself....
("How you met her" must be Monad.)

"I want you to make this your top priority."
"Do I put this ahead of reviving the Proxy?"
"The last thing we need is another God"
Unknown project. Is Raul seeking to destroy Romdeau further by not caring about God and the damage the loss of it is causing the city?
"You're a very odd man... going to such ridiculous lengths."
"I just want a revolution. Will you help usher man in the sublime state we were meant to hold?"
"Alright."
Raul is intentionally written darkly here. He shown as very volatile, dangerous, radical, and nearly evil. We don't know his plan. He does have the attitude of a revolutionary, which is by necessity harsh and to some extent "the ends justify the means." They intentionally avoid telling his plan so you are faced with how he seems versus how he is. It is interesting to ask whether his arrogance is really arrogance. He wants to play God ("how unnatural"), and the series is asking, "is that wrong?"
"I just don't think getting rid of God will change anything."
"Exactly. It doesn't change anything. We need to manifest change down to the cellular level."
He wants to leave the old ways. Since the wombsys isn't operating, they need some way to live without God.... you figure it out. The last episode isn't a coincidence it seems. (It is a little crazy how our own prejudices for "natural" play into how we judge Raul. It would be a common reaction to go from condemning to praising him on this reason alone. I'm not even sure it can be qualified as a reason at all.)

Red Yarn. "He's beginning to crack." Never show that smile.
The red yarn I would be loathe to ascribe meaning too, except yarn takes place in a myth involving the figure Daedalus. Daedalus gives a ball of yarn to the man going into the Labyrinth, so that he can rescue his beloved from the Minotaur and escape the maze safely. It's not clear if the yarn in replacement Re-L's hands is supposed to be helping Deadalus, Raul, or Replacement Re-L herself. Since this is yarn and fate is a theme in this episode, it may also have to do with the Fates whom spun, measure, and cut the threads that guided everyone's lives in Greek myths. They are called the Moirai.
Daedalus has lost both Re-L and Monad, and so his raison d'etre is crumbling. It is a little more than just that. Daedalus is stronger than just his predetermined raison d'etre, but he isn't strong enough to face that and have loved and lost Re-L. He did care for her. And it seems romantically, as he (even more creepily) raises the replacement Re-L to "never show that smile to another man."

Vincent seems to have some kind of subconscious guiding him, even way back at the start when he defied Re-L and kept the pendant.

"So, you're still here. I was sure I'd finally killed you. But you're just a symbol of what I'm fighting aren't you? That's fine. I will destroy you regardless. Because I am not afraid of you."
Vincent and Raul. Their relationship changes here. Now Vincent is fate and the mindlessness of the dome, when once before he was trouble and defiance of the dome's predetermined fate. Raul lives for the truths he has found. Things like freedom and will and survival. Before he followed protocol and authority. Raul is fighting his earlier self, in this sense. And he accepts that. He decides he will live for the future, rather than the past, though the past is what haunts and drives him. (I admire his relationship with symbols and values.)

Sorry, the awakening message might be just as lame as it seems. The same message in both cities, indicates the truth is in Romdeau, not Mosk. At least as a plot point. As a term itself, Awakening is still a mystery. Why are the proxies triggered by each other, leading to all these terrible fates?

"Vincent Law. What are you? Another pendant. What was another pendant doing here? That which is divided must become one. Is that supposed to be Vincent and Ergo? And if it is. Then whoever broke the autoreiv and stole the memories was..." It cuts to a startled stare at Vincent (before or after?) he interrupts her. The awakening message, is Vincent telling himself where to go? It doesn't make much sense.

"We've encountered many proxies, but none of them were the one we're looking for.
Monad was responsible for everything. The message, like a thread linking the two pendants.
The connection between Monad, Vincent, and the Proxy. The answer lies there, I know it."
These lines have double meanings. Don't take them at immediate face value, but do know they point towards knowledge unrevealed.



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"We'd go crazy if we had to remember everything."
I'm tired of hearing this stated in science fiction. Why is this considered true? At least with "eternal life is awful" there are some reasons to think that. But perfect memory doesn't seem to have real drawbacks. The only claim I've heard is a tenuous: "then we'd spend our days reliving the past" which is pretty bogus logic to me.

"You set aside an ancient thermonuclear device for who-knows-what-foolishness. Then you gave it the criminally ridiculous nickname 'Rapture.' ... I'm amazed it took this long for something to go wrong."
Raul, you might be my favorite character.

27 March 2014

Presently (as you measure)


A mind
with, but not of

/////

Progressing down streets
Mind always on dirt roads out of sight
Mind boxed by concrete
(Eyes fixed on the sky)
(Love in my pocket)
(Love brushing my cheek)
Hurt between my shoulder blades
Don't look side to side, I hear
and I cover my ears
and close my eyes
and bow my head and hurry on.

Feeling love grasp at my shirt
I'm torn... I want
I can't my understanding says ; stern dwindling and miserable
I can my hope says "but" ; howling cutting and infantile
I turn around, covering my face, and feel love envelop me
I melt, I draw hope in swallows, I want to try again again


I was born of hope.
...really
I came, made of fierce brightness and blazing serenity
I lived, quiet smiles and depthless darkness of
                                hope, passion, clarity, mystery, certainty, love of all, life
Then it condensed. and now it's encased in a. loaf of stone
A starcoal that never extinguished
My precious heart
Safe but sealed away
Mine, but not free
I can let it out, but I am entombed it
ironic

                ("trapped in absolute uncertain freedom"?)

Growth all slow expansion
That's how cracks happen

/////

The world spinning with wonder
sharp cold as I plunge
water droplets, hot
Because I breath
Because I know
Because I see Because I live
Because I truly love
And for every burn I bleed
Showing that inside it is intensity barely contained
                by skin
                by normalcy
                by expectation
                by cautiousness and fear of
                                societyfuturestraightandnarrow
                                what I've been told
                                cardboard worlds that are supposed to be approximations

                                Other whispers it isn't so
                                cardboard walls have openness behind
                                world is wider, vaster
                                brighter, bursting, I fill in, imagine

Pull back
"maybe"
always cagey

/////

eyes down, hidden hope
cupped hand holding dreams
sitting alone
whispers wrapped around me
We are both cold and warm, alternating
We are both light and dark, alternating

05 March 2014

A-path

All I want is to love and be loved.

It's not much. I mean "love" in the most abject sense... It's all it takes to be content. The smallest, simplest, basest caring about the world and the good things in it. A simple knowledge that somehow the world also cares about me, even if it is merely knowing than I make the smallest difference to some small corner of it.

And somehow I lose sight of these things. I don't know how. I don't know where they go.
But sometimes they're gone.

And what is there left? I sort of stumble around, sometimes cursing everything, sometimes melancholy, sometimes just weary of it all. And the same questions swirl around recurring to me over and over. Why is it like this. What have I done, that makes me like this. What can I do, to escape, to help myself, to solve it plaguing me?

I have some half answers now. I just am like this. It just happens sometimes. It's alright, it passes, it is true that I am lost, but it isn't permanently true. It is okay to let go and be moody for awhile. These answers let me deal with the practical sides of it better, and let it pass a little faster and a little less laboriously. But they aren't much in the way of actual answers. Or solutions for how to avoid or face this.

While I'm like this.... I'm like this.

Hurt, abandoned, wanting to lash out against anything, including myself.
Withdrawn, listless, and even my favorite things are joyless, with no turning point in sight.
I've tried several kinds of help, but there doesn't seem to be any one kind of answer. I'm consoled that time does seem to slowly sweep it by.

But here I am again. Here it is again. It returns all too often, and all too inscrutably.

I'll figure out better ways and better understanding. For now I guess I just... bear it.


(yes, I am aware how melodramatic and self centered I feel. No, it doesn't make any sense or match my character. Yes, I feel free to express it how it feel, uncensored and unmoderated, even if it makes no sense in a practical or realistic sense.,.. because I can't for the life of me make sense of it.... I love so much, I care so much, and yet... it just vanishes......completely..... for no reason.... for days at a time. And I can't even make the least bit of sense of it. I don't know why, I don't know how to deal with it, I don't understand myself and I question and question and question myself naturally already. And I can't even make slow progress. It just ... is... I just... do.... I just.... I.... I'm just lost again.

That's the only "answer" I have.)