How am I supposed to take control of my life and make wise decisions and plan ahead?
What am I supposed to do with
all of this freedom
and these open options
and this directionlessness?
Some people advise finding a new path - a place to work and a company to climb.
Some people advise trailblazing - adventure and never settling down.
Some people advise a sedentary lifestyle - full of the things that comfort me most.
And what about me? What do I think is what I would grow best at?
I change so much, so often, am still such a being of formlessness and possibility.
My nature is not to settle, but also not to move forward.
(I move in circles and with a peculiar sanguine aimlessness that lands me in places I didn't know existed.)
So how to keep myself moving forward, and keep myself vaguely on some germane area of interest?
I think I might drop concerning myself with the second bit, I think I'll become an expert without purposeful focusing and I think I'll naturally keep falling into my own interests.
But moving forward?
Well I am generally very good at managing to do everything necessary within the time alotted. I can keep planning the necessary things just before I need to.
But.
That was "need to." That was "necessary things."
Those don't exist anymore.
What do I do?
What do I want?!
God help me, I don't know?!
There isn't an answer to that because I am the only one with the answer. And I don't have one!!
I don't have one.....
Will I be happy?
I don't know how the "real world" will react to my efforts, so I don't know exactly how I'll interface with it, but thusfar I've been doing just fine it seems. And I think I definitely have the capability to lead an extremely full and rewarding life. Whether I do, or take many years before I accomplish learning how to do so.... I am far less sure about. I'm a little more sure because of ... well, muni. It seems like together we'll end up practically jumping into a meaningful and wonderful existence after some rearranging and trying at it.
But what about the near future. What about thinking and taking on the mantle of directing the course of my life? Of being in charge of every facet of my life, and thus the very direction it takes?
How do I do that?
How do I think?
How do I make sure I move through life in the right fashion for me?
What is important?
What will cause what to happen?
How do I create my future?
I have been working on changing myself, so that is a first step at least. Starting the setup. Starting the foundation.
But what about the launch? Well, that isn't as important as the running... what about the running? The running of my life? How do I do that?
I can do it functionally.
But how do I do it well?
I guess.... practice.
I'm too unique for a simple answer, though friends and advice will surely shed some light.
When I begin leading my life...
When I pick a direction and start out that way...
Who will I become?
Who is that person?
