It's painful how obvious it is that I'm constantly trying to escape.
I've more or less come to accept that the things I do when I'm escaping life are actually valuable. The things I watch, the games I play, the books I read, the projects I start, writing, and everything else I do with attention and care. Even sleeping and eating I do to take care of myself, but I also do so I can forget the things that are "real."
Wait. Wait wait. Maybe I'm coming about this in the wrong way. Maybe that is the problem. I still, despite what I am saying right now, am belittling the other things. I call them escape and not real. They are real, and they are important even if they are escape. Yeah, it's true. No, it didn't change anything like I thought it might.
I've still developed a very scarily strong adversity to doing things like... well, work, eating, taking care of important things. I'll also mutter things like, "I'm a failure" or "I'm bad at living." No I'm not going to write them off completely despite their source in malice-depression, and their nature and cause is interesting and important.
I've failed critical assignments and just looked at them and thought, "Yeah, that's how work is/I am."
I've asked myself over and over, "Don't you care about anything?" and the immediate response each time is "No."
I've said to myself, "I don't want to live anymore." Not as in the whole of life, but the part that is "living" the part that is "normal" the part that is "societal" the part that is "what I need to do to move forward in life."
Only the books, movies, games, internet, writing, talking to people, and things I do for myself hold any joy for me. Only then do I feel like I am growing. Probably because it is a false world I have created for myself so I am growing inside of it. But in the real world I feel like I am standing still. Sometimes moving forward, sometimes sliding backward, but mostly just stuck unbearably in the same spot... because I can't stop being me? Because I don't want to be in that world? Because I define the "real world" as one spot only?
I don't know.
I'm doing poorly.
I procrastinate and don't get sleep and am late and skip work and give up understanding the material.
I try hard and I study alone and I go to work and I don't understand.
I don't think I was ready to go to College. Of course, none of us were, and I was way more ready than a lot of other people. But speaking for myself, I was not ready. I didn't know what is was like. I don't know what I want to get out of it.
Mostly because I still am thinking of it like "what I get out of it" instead of actually taking the classes because I care about them. Because I do, except not in a way that will get me a grade. I care about the material. I care about talking to people. I care about the abstract idea of it. But I don't care about the doing, or the work, or the self initiative, and I'm falling behind and failing and losing and... I don't care about that either. It's happening and it feels like I'm helplessly watching it happening, and telling myself I should care, and I just don't.
People say that getting out more improves your attitude. Being around people and talking to them. Exercising.
There are a couple of problems with that. I'm not exactly like other people. I think that will give me "perspective" but one grounded in falsehood and not who and what I am. I don't want to go back to how I was, doing things well but without ... without thinking about why. I want to be able to handle everything completely by myself, even if it is the hardest way to do it, because ... because of an irrational fear of dependence and being abandoned.... but that is not all. Also because it is the wholest, purest way to live life and understand it all. Even the parts that are wrong or silly or blinding. If something is wrong with me, I want to learn how to cure myself, even if someone else could cure me just with a word or two. Even if it never was a problem again, I want to understand and work through it and have the skill myself. Or even to understand whether it's possible or if I am just doomed to have to deal with myself as this awkward broken thing, I want to be the one to handle it, despite how awkward and lame I may appear to others. Because I am me... and I am beautiful even if I am broken in strange ways.
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