A-path

All I want is to love and be loved.

It's not much. I mean "love" in the most abject sense... It's all it takes to be content. The smallest, simplest, basest caring about the world and the good things in it. A simple knowledge that somehow the world also cares about me, even if it is merely knowing than I make the smallest difference to some small corner of it.

And somehow I lose sight of these things. I don't know how. I don't know where they go.
But sometimes they're gone.

And what is there left? I sort of stumble around, sometimes cursing everything, sometimes melancholy, sometimes just weary of it all. And the same questions swirl around recurring to me over and over. Why is it like this. What have I done, that makes me like this. What can I do, to escape, to help myself, to solve it plaguing me?

I have some half answers now. I just am like this. It just happens sometimes. It's alright, it passes, it is true that I am lost, but it isn't permanently true. It is okay to let go and be moody for awhile. These answers let me deal with the practical sides of it better, and let it pass a little faster and a little less laboriously. But they aren't much in the way of actual answers. Or solutions for how to avoid or face this.

While I'm like this.... I'm like this.

Hurt, abandoned, wanting to lash out against anything, including myself.
Withdrawn, listless, and even my favorite things are joyless, with no turning point in sight.
I've tried several kinds of help, but there doesn't seem to be any one kind of answer. I'm consoled that time does seem to slowly sweep it by.

But here I am again. Here it is again. It returns all too often, and all too inscrutably.

I'll figure out better ways and better understanding. For now I guess I just... bear it.


(yes, I am aware how melodramatic and self centered I feel. No, it doesn't make any sense or match my character. Yes, I feel free to express it how it feel, uncensored and unmoderated, even if it makes no sense in a practical or realistic sense.,.. because I can't for the life of me make sense of it.... I love so much, I care so much, and yet... it just vanishes......completely..... for no reason.... for days at a time. And I can't even make the least bit of sense of it. I don't know why, I don't know how to deal with it, I don't understand myself and I question and question and question myself naturally already. And I can't even make slow progress. It just ... is... I just... do.... I just.... I.... I'm just lost again.

That's the only "answer" I have.)