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I failed one of my finals. (who knows, maybe two. I've taken three so far) I cried.

I can probably still get a C, maybe even a B in the class, but that isn't really anything to do with it.

I care that I tried hard. I care that I care. I care that I don't know what I did wrong. What I could have done. I care that this is what I want to do but I can't even figure out if I understand it or not. I care that my teacher probably doesn't know that I care.

This mixture is what made me cry.

I didn't want to. I don't want to feel attached to grades. And I don't like that that appeared to be all that was going on to the friend-who-does-not-know-me that was there with me.

And everything faded... or I guess I should say, I faded.

I thought about just turning away and doing things I like to do. Frivolous things. Or deep things. Or fun things. Or my friends. Or anything else.

Every single one I looked at, and every single one stared back at me as if it didn't recognize who I was.

I didn't want to do anything. Literally, I wanted to do nothing. So I did. From 6pm onward I slept. Waking up every hour or so to fiddle with the computer and then closing my eyes and back to sleep.

It wasn't quite so harmless as that either. Not only had the things most colorful lost their color (importance, interest, fun, care) but I had a bland sort of desire to mess things up. I wanted to tell anyone that might care a little bit how I feel in no uncertain terms to "go away, I don't care about you either." Even though they have nothing to do with it.

Feels like the world had turned me away (even though I care so deeply about it...) so I want to turn it away too. Maybe it's a petulant sort of, "It was my idea first" or maybe it is something worse.

Most of all I want to pull inside myself and turn away and feel nothing and make everything disappear and meaningless. Have sensations but nothing to activate them, be complete uncommunicative and inward so if someone said something to me it would be like tapping on window and I could look at them with sightless eyes and turn them away. Not angrily, not selfishly, but uncomprehendingly. I don't know what you are, you knew what I was, but no longer.

I'm not eating, and unlike before it's not because I am too wrapped up in other things, but because I want to ...punish myself? Not angrily, not hurtfully, not directly like it sounds. It is because I want my body to match my mood. To be a dull sort of sick or hungry and think of that instead of thinking about the world and how much it is good or bad. I don't want to make myself more depressed, nor do I want to cheer myself up. I just want to not think. Not consciously or purposefully not think, but not see, not feel, not understand.

No. This is not a way to ask for help or have someone (stranger or otherwise) know what I am doing. I am indifferent one way or the other if it is seen, but much more certainly I am unwilling to care of some one else's opinion of it. Positive or negative, it is so many meaningless words. (... their response, but also what I have written)

So why do I write it? Because I do not have anything else to do and because of my future self caring or being interested or because I know that the ideals that I am distant from now ask that I say everything. Even though it does not matter to me, I am aware that they say "I should."





>It is a mistake. I will hurt someone. I will reveal myself. I am turning away, am I not? I want to be alone. I don't know why, but I am posting anyway. The chances of this remaining up are about 50% 50%.