29 April 2013

Abortion and Human Value

To get to the point: abortion has to be based on something and not grounded in personal or religious reasons.

My opinion is that what gives humanity value is tied closely to ideas of intelligence, viewpoints, ideas, sentience, comprehension, thoughts and concepts. This is both why I value animals and why I value them less than humans (but more than objects, and that I value objects that contain ideas more than objects that don't etc etc). This is why I would value an alien culture and an artificial intelligence.

I also believe that the value of a human life comes from potential and different/independent life. Therefore a human that will never be able to think again is less valuable than a human that cannot think now, but is capable of it in the future. (Like... in a dreamless sleep or something.)

The combination of these two leads me to believe that abortion is reasonable practice until the child is capable of being born and living independently. Currently this date is set at something like 20-24 weeks.* (Unless complex thought begins before then, of course, and it would appear that week 17 is the earliest potential time complex thought may occur. Whatever the case, the most conservative choice for avoiding committing wrong should be selected. Within reason of course, protecting zygotes is not a good place to draw the line.)

This is not based entirely on the first value - sentience. Children are on the intelligence level comparable to animals for an extended period of time. Logically speaking, they should then have the same value, moralistically speaking. I think that this is rationally true. I still find it a repulsive idea to kill a child, more so than to kill a dog, but I believe this is for two or three reasons.

One is that I have been taught all my life that animals are less valuable than they truly are. We should be thinking of them far closer to equals than we currently do.
Secondly, I believe that children are probably treated as more valuable than they actually are. I know this sounds horrible, but it isn't saying a heck of a lot. Children are treated as the absolute perfect good. The "saintly, innocent" and so forth. They are not. They are, at the most, humans like the rest of us. They are capable of evil, mistakes, and are not perfect little angels. Since they haven't done anything yet, they are at best something akin to as valuable as the average person. It makes sense that we think of them as greater than they are for the sake of biological genetic evolutionary purposes, as well as the fact that children are loved by parents and children are not powerful enough to be feared the way adults are, but moralistically speaking, our social values of them way outstrip their true value.
Thirdly and finally, children have a huge statistical chance of becoming valuable. Way way way more so than a sperm, a zygote, a fetus, a skin cell etc. All of those are possibilities, but so very unlikely, that it is not really a reasonable response to consider them already equal morally to a human.

Therefore, as a baby in a womb matures, it gains value as its potentials become more assured and its independence (thought-wise, not literal-wise. Being the same person genetically or physically does not mean that your mind has less value) becomes more likely. This is morally why, a child at 17-24 weeks, though intrinsically no more valuable than an animal, is valuable enough to deny the right to kill it. A child only realizes it's value intrinsically once it has matured enough to be deeply sentient. This may happen not too much longer after 17 weeks, or it may only happen at 18 months or later.

If somehow a person existed that had not been allowed to think a single thought at all, and had aged until 18 or so, was hanging suspended and could be "given life" or killed... I think this would be the edge of the definition for my morality. It has all the potential with the flick of a switch, but does not yet. I think this person could be killed without breaking any moral rules. I think it would be better to permit him/her life, but not morally required to seek under all circumstances etc. I may change my mind on this, but I think what I have said is what my morality guides me to. They are, at that point, merely an empty doll made of human DNA. If they could immediately think and comprehend (had memories stored) that would be interesting, but morally speaking, the about the same as the state of a baby learning to use its mind, but in an adult body. Their potentials are the same, although the first one gains value faster... it is awkward to talk about this hypothetical, and there are more points to work on and think about, but I am relatively certain about what I have said.

I admit that consequences and situations blur the line even further. The life of a mother versus that of the child, the child having no potential to live (starving to death), the benefit to society, the balance between the child's intrinsic value increasing and the prospects for the future child being less and less optimal --- all have roles to play in such a decision. Furthermore the practical versus the ideal may change some factors as well, I'm not sure. All I can say is this is what I currently am leaning towards and why I am leaning towards it.

There are a few problems with this. It begs the question if people are then more or less valuable if they are more or less intelligent. I have a couple of responses to that - I'm just thinking of what makes someone meet the bare minimum morally speaking of valuable as a human. Past that, I think everyone is pretty much equal, morally speaking.
Secondly, intelligence is such a wide and vast thing that value is really really hard to compute. (If meaningful at all) Even if someone is not good at something, they also may have unique thoughts or combinations of thinking that is in proportions that is super different. I find value in understanding, which comes from difference more than perfection or speed or talent. Talent and speed and perfection permit insight, of course, but that is only because they allow further understanding through different or enhanced perspective. Therefore, everyone ends up basically equal morally because everyone has different thoughts and perspectives as a whole. This is by definition true. Its impossible to live the same life as anyone else, even if you have similar experiences and opinions, the combination is as unique as... is nearly as unique as it is possible to be.

Having more-different thoughts as well as having more different thoughts, I do find more valuable. Having a longer life is more valuable by extent. And an alien species that could have more unique and more insightful thoughts on just as wide a consciousness as us, would be more valuable. But these are interesting results of ideals and things that are basically impossible to measure. (Different-ness of thoughts? Creativity has been measured by how unusual or unique something a thought is, but what of value from usefulness or resonance and how about comparing once you arrive at the group of thoughts that have never been considered before... ) Practically speaking, most everyone ends up existing as equally, inherently, and very valuable this way. Including those with different brains and those called "mentally challenged" who compensate or merely exist differently. Not including those who are provably brain-dead or provably do not think for one reason or another. I don't value human biology or DNA. If someone exists without a mind, they don't have value. Even if they look and move like a human. Even if they could imitate a human. A TV containing human DNA is not valuable. I personally don't think that pain or joy is the source of value either. They can lead to or stem from values and understanding, but they are not intrinsically valuable alone.

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25 April 2013

Ergo Proxy - 13: Conceptual Blindspot/Wrong Way Home


Conceptual Blindspot


"Why do you allow her to act with such independence."
"If she is more than you can deal with, then what use are you?"
"She is your raison detre. Lose her, and you will lose your meaning."
"Such is the bond between an entourage and its master."

"I really don't care about jurisdiction. I'm going one way or the other. If you are afraid of what grandfather will say, I'm fine going alone."

This, in a nutshell, is what this episode is about.

Love.

Yes, you heard me. This episode is about love.
To love someone is to want to make them happy.

But if what if they want you to leave? What if they would be happier if you didn't love them? What if they want you to destroy yourself? What if they want to become someone else?
Do you really love them? Or do you love the person they used to be? And if you really do love them, what choice do you have, but to try to stop, even though your purpose in the first place is to be with them, to make them happy. Even though your intentions will be thrown into a paradoxical state.
This sounds entirely abstract and philosophical and phrased about as blandly as possible, but the effects and truths are real. And you can see them unfold with brilliant clarity.

What do you do if your master dies? If your master leaves you? If your master doesn't want you anymore?
No matter who they are, the master is the master.

"No matter who they are" - even if you hate the one you love. Even if they are flawed. Even if they despise you. You can't help loving the person you love. Mother, father, brother, lover, child... you love them, and you cannot very well stop loving. "The master is the master."
"It seems even more true now that I have a soul."
Now Iggy realizes more than just a fundamental need commanded of him and given to him as a raison detre. Now he knows a need borne of choice, emotion, and love. And he is helpless before it.


What do you do if you hate the one you love or the one you love hates you?

And what of other forms of love...? The love of the autoreiv child for its own master Proxy. They lived peacefully and protected one another. The autoreiv bringing trinkets and gifts to the gentle giant. The giant fiercely and savagely protecting its consort, and the autoreiv wholly loyal and devoted in return. At least that is how I see it. The autoreiv performs its final duty, attempting to lay its master to rest, but in doing so overhears Iggy say, "If I kill the one who took her, she'll come back." Whether it is the result of a muddled mind, or perhaps the effect of a child mad with grief, the autoreiv learns that it should now dedicate its life to killing Re-L. How ironic that it is Iggy that nearly causes Re-L's death, and in so doing, separates himself from her completely.

And still, there are other kinds of love. Despite Re-L's treatment, Vincent is still hopelessly in love with her. He dotes on her despite her derision, and he puts up with her every insult without thought. Maybe he believes her to be better on the inside, or maybe this is the madness of adoration.

Let me say too, that while Pino may be saner than the rest, she is not a perfect robot either. The same thoughts that let her be cute and retort to Re-L, "Not now! I'm reading!" let her see Vincent be abused while trying to help Re-L. That same Cogito that Iggy has, lets her see Vincent's ardor, and maybe even lets her have pangs of jealousy. She is uncharacteristically uncooperative. Maybe because, like a difficult child, she wants attention and love, and is afraid of losing it. Later she helps out because she wants to be approved up. She is turning into a real child.

Let it be known that Iggy was infected long before this episode. It is not his cogito that drives him mad, but his freedom, his thoughts... his love. What is wrong is not his despair, or his attempts to address his problems, but rather his attempt to force Re-L to change into something she isn't. Just like Re-L tried to force Iggy to be someone he wasn't. He doesn't love who Re-L has become, only the phantom of who she used to be. Just as Re-L announces "Iggy is dead," so too, is the old Re-L that depended on Iggy.

(More on this in the Reactions section of the guide.)

Iggy is allowed to follow and discovers a cave that is more or less the same as the Wombsys of Romdeau. This place appears to have been a dome in the past, with manufactured people, just like Romdeau. Iggy audibly wonders if the Proxy created the dome, and the dead proxy, despite its condition, looks like some kind of sleeping god. Each dome has a proxy. Each dome seems to be falling to ruin. Autoreivs, Proxys, Humans, Domes... how do they all link together? What does it all mean?


I'm going to be a bit pedantic about cinematography and presentation for a bit:
Iggy shoots the autoreiv with a single-use flare gun. (there is a flash of temporary light afterwards) He grabbed it from the U4 when the autoreiv first showed up and began hammering on the side of the ship. There are two red flare guns, but I don't think the other one ever turns up again.

I also find it interesting that Iggy says, "You said an autoreiv like me could never truly understand you because I don't have a soul. But I do have a soul. How could you not notice?" referring to the previous episode. In reality, Re-L said, "Explain what? How do I explain to an autoreiv? How do I convince you, when I don't even understand."

I don't know if there is any significance to the way Pino sits bewteen Iggy and Vincent in their confrontation. Perhaps symbolizing her autoreiv-ness in comparison to her human-ness. Perhaps playing the innocent helpless one in a fight between two men-of-action. (Hahaha, Vincent, a man of action...! He is in this case, but it still is hilarious) Maybe just a convenient set piece to increase the tension.

A few moments later something similar happens. Re-L, Iggy, and Vincent all stand facing each other. There is a single point where Re-L stands at the crossroads. (Here she admits, "you beat me." She lets down her arrogance, she realizes her flaws, and she turns to face her future as a more mature woman... because of Iggy's lessons I might add) and then they all spring into action. Iggy dies for her and Vincent protects her. The choice, whether hers or not, has been made. Her future lies ahead, not behind.



.......
So much is said in so short of a time.......

Iggy could not manage the emotions that coursed through him. The anger of betrayal, the fear of abandonment, the love of a parent and a teacher. All just discovered at the point they were being torn apart. He didn't know how to act, and so his life, personality, and perspective fell to pieces. He died of devotion and fear and anger. All of the emotions we struggle to hide and control. I'm not sure. But I think... he was still Iggy to the very end.

And emotions. Even though they are so destructive and terrible and heartbreaking and uncontrollable. They are not to be destroyed themselves. Sadness and anger... they are still... good. They are still valuable and worthy and beautiful and ... as Pino puts it, "I think it actually makes me happy." And why? "Mmm, I don't know."

Even though they are wrong and meaningless alone, I believe they are links to meaningful truths. And even though we never understand the nameless autoreiv, nor Iggy for that matter. They are still intrinsically valuable and should be ... cherished for the life that they were. So it is a beautiful thing, to feel sad and to love them and to put flowers on their graves, even though we do not understand them, we can at least understand that they... had thoughts like us.



In the last scene Vincent returns her gun. Maybe it is a token of his love for her, and the importance of her happiness to him. Maybe it is a sign of his complete dedication to her, and his meaninglessness without her attentions. Maybe it is a way of saying that he loves her so much, that he too would give his life for her. Or perhaps it is a way of saying that he will love her, even if she becomes someone else, he accepts her for who she is and who she will become. I don't know. But lovers should respect each other as equals, not as masters and slaves.





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Iggy's name appears to be a reference to Saint Ignatius.
This fits Saint Ignatius' life, as the theologian preached these ideals: Self-sacrifice, erasure of personal desires, seeking the will of God in all things, self examination of faults, the process of removing those faults over several days, humility and service, vows of obedience, and action for the sake of goodness. His motto was "In all things, to love and to serve."

"You don't get to write me off just because I've gotten complicated."
So, what if Re-L had instead reacted with respect for who Iggy has become. What if she had taken the first step, and instead of the two trying to force each back into who they used to be, had instead adapted and learned who they had become. Can we blame Iggy for giving up on Re-L new personality any more than we blame Re-L for giving up on Iggy's new personality? Could he have learned to change, mature, and live a new life as a grown, adapted entourage?
Or did Iggy perish when Re-L no longer needed him. Was that programmed personality so dependent and false, that it was wholly incapable of life without her needs to give it motion? These remnants. Are they the frail leftovers of a personality that lurked unused within Iggy, ("not-Iggy") that came to the forefront when Iggy disappeared from existence? Are they the beginning of a new personality, that could stabilize and fill out to become something new? Or are they who Iggy truly was, without a "programmed morality" to guide him?
(Are we utterly inhuman without society to tell us right from wrong? Maybe that's taking the metaphor a little farther than it can stretch.)

I don't know. I don't know who Iggy was, because just when he was born and helpless, he died.

But in his death. What a gift Iggy gave us. What a hint into the unknown.
Iggy showed us that his character could be so very much deeper than we ever gave him credit. His death cut it short, but maybe that is for the better. It leaves him a mystery never to be solved.

(It is astounding how flawed these characters are. Iggy is horrendous in his behavior, but he is so accurate about Re-L's flaws. Re-L is so very flawed, but so to is she accurate that Iggy is behaving like a madman. And yet, how selfless and perfect Iggy is, that he only desires to protect Re-L, even at the expense of his own life. He only, (only!) acts out of love. "My beloved Re-L." He has nothing else to guide him. Self-love for a time that he cannot reverse, but it is all he knows. Tragic heroes both, I can only wonder what would have been if they had realized their own flaws instead of focusing on each other's. It was not meant to be. Iggy cannot protect Re-L anymore. The dangers are too great (A proxy and a rogue autoreiv) but also Re-L must grow up or it is all meaningless. Re-L cannot, even if she wanted, depend on Iggy any more. It would mean she never matures and it would mean she denies who she is. She has her own purpose to pursue in life, and sad though it is, she must no longer be Iggy's other half.)


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22 April 2013

To Accept

I clasped myself, worries and fears crowding in about me.

His fingers brushed across my skin. He was here with me, his form less than twelve inches away. His warmth and reassurance --

The thoughts surged back, blocking his presence from view and confusion throwing everything into disarray.
What was I doing with my life, what was I trying to do, what was I hoping for.

A kiss. Shock quickened me. He cares for me, he...

"Me." Who am I? How can he love "me" when I don't even know who I am.
---No, no, he shouldn't, look at me, my life is more or less a mess, I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing. Why me, why... it doesn't even matter, he shouldn't, he shouldn't ---

Another kiss. Tighter I curled, tenser I drew.

No, it wasn't right, I can't figure out myself, how can I... hope to be there for someone else?

Again a kiss and again and again.

No, no... I tried to hold onto the reasons why, but everything was tumbled and awash and dizzying. I tried to shield myself either with my hands to ward it away or with my thoughts to stop everything from being turned upside down. I have nothing, how can he love me when no one can know who I am? He shouldn't care for me. Not for me.


But he wouldn't stop. If I would try to hide, he would show he knew I was there. If I would try to block, he would kiss my barriers. If I would try to pull away, he would follow. All the defenses I would throw up, he would love me through. But even so, I couldn't accept .... I had no place... don't give me such a thing... I don't deserve such a thing...

I couldn't let myself see what love he had for me. Even if I did let myself acknowledge it, it wouldn't...shouldn't make a difference. He shouldn't give it, not to me, not to me. Even though he was sincere, even though he likes me despite myself, even though he somehow understands and forgives and doesn't mind that I am the way I am ---

no, no, no I can't, he shouldn't, it's not right, I'm not, it's too much...

And just when I thought things had begun to settle, a single thought struck me and sent me whirling away altogether.
Upon my wrist was a watch, and promise I made to myself. I froze, literally paralyzed as the memory over took me. The undeniable reminder of how I know completely and certainly, he loves me truly. Really. Truly. Loves. Of course the doubts didn't evaporate, but though they arose, they fell aside meaninglessly compared to this... concentrated memory.

I still felt a poor excuse of a person, but I remembered my previous wishes to try to cast away my denials.
So I started to turn to him, despite feeling selfish and contemptible for it.

(And I tried, thinking: I'm sorry, I'm not worth it, but somehow you love me, and it makes me so happy and I love you and I'm so, so, so lucky. I can't even understand how it's possible that you would... love me the way you do)

And he kissed me.

He loves me for me, including all the fears and self depreciation and attempts to distance myself. He loves me wholly and truthfully. He loves me as I am, and he knows me for who I am and he loves me as I learn to become the person I want to be.

And I love him and I still think myself undeserving and pretentious to openly receive his advances.

But I know he wants to give them, and I know I want to receive them and return my own.

I was still overwhelmed and had to hide away from the full weight of his unreserved love, but at least now I was trying (weakly) to let myself accept it... without being completely swept away.

And he held me. And I held him.
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15 April 2013

Omelas

The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas is a science fiction short story.
It is one of the things that touches me most deeply.


The way it tells itself, the straightforwardness and plea to live as genuinely as we can the presented hypothetical world, stands out to me.

There is a very basic ethical dilemma proposed, and the answer I choose is one which demands that I give the world all I have to give.

Each time I read it, it is such beauty it moves me to tears.
(And again, each time I say such things, I am quick to follow it up with, "But that is probably only me, don't expect the same, everyone is different...." (I cannot hope for anyone to understand how I am).....)
I am not exaggerating. It is beautiful. It moves me to tears.

I write now, because I do not think my experience of The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas is the common one.

I read the part about the child and I thought, I am supposed to feel disgust and fear and dislike for these people, but I stubbornly will not. I will not be told by an author "look at this thing. This thing is terrible."

And then I started to get it. Get what The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas means to me.

I don't know if we must always have great evil to have great good. I do not know if people are doomed to stagnation if they are content. I do not know if it is only war that can make us achieve great strides in history. I do not know if great good can only be created or only be seen if it stands against the worst of evils. I do not know if the meaning of good will evaporate once we have nothing to compare it to.

I was told by the author, this is a perfect town. And I balked. Suuuure. It probably is this happy religious goody goody "haven" all shallow and lies but somehow the people are "happy" because everyone knows that the virtuous good life is the one true happiness.

And then it told me that this town was a place of freedom. It was not perfect. Perfection is not happiness. The happiness was in the correction of mistakes and the hope and the comradeship. Sex and drugs are sources of happiness, and the problems and negative elements had been overcome through understanding and choice. People were free to do as they pleased, and so everyone went their own way, but always came back to share and appreciate. People excelled, people reached out, people understood, and people were happy in that wholesome, diverse way that the best happiness I know is.



And then I was told, that there were some people who left. Perhaps I was supposed to imagine them as mysterious dreamers and pilgrims. The necessary question mark at the end of a story designed to tease your mind. But instead I realized I believed them to be hard, practical and daring individuals. They were courageous enough to do something simple. To dare to believe that there could be something better. And they were willing to sacrifice all they had in order to try to find that something.

These people....they looked at their happiness, at the closest thing to perfection I can imagine, and they said, I believe we can do better. I believe we are greater even than utopia. I believe we can improve, and I believe it is the only thing for me to do, to go and seek that thing.

Maybe idealism is nonsense, it can't coexist in a flawed universe. Maybe idealism is wrong in this world.

But that brilliant hope, determination, striving for what is beyond possible... that.... shear willingness to not give in to reality. To believe and pursue something ... something ideal. To treat the ideal seriously. To treat ideals... as real.


What can I say to encompass the beauty, the power of that concept?
What can I do but cry tears and hope that maybe we should live like that and maybe we can. Maybe we can hope and maybe we can bring about things beyond what I thought possible. Maybe you truly can live by ideals. Maybe you truly can live by ideals.

Maybe we can be so strong, so beautiful, so understanding, so close to perfection that we can Walk Away from Omelas.
Maybe it's possible to dream beyond the possible. And then to act beyond reality. And then to be beyond dreams.

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06 April 2013

Ergo Proxy-12: When You're Smiling/Hideout


And promptly we return to a normal story narrative for another two or three episodes.

When You're Smiling


Once again Ergo Proxy comes across to me on many different levels. Most directly, there is the time spent with the characters and the story line progressing. There is the way details are present in the background, foreshadowing for future episodes as well as this episode. There are undercurrents of themes that are not directly apparent until later.

The background question lurking is whether Re-L should go back to Romdeau. That seems... pretty simple and boring question to repeat over and over, but (of course) I've interpreting it to mean more than the literal choice of location A or B. For Re-L, Romdeau is that "boring paradise" that place of her childhood when she had her life and hadn't asked her questions. It is also the "last refuge of order against the chaos at the gate." She has personal ties there too: Iggy, Daedalus, and her grandfather. All of this has been pointed out before, but the point is, the question now is to accept that she will never try to go back. It's not just to venture out, but to commit to leaving. And what future does she have? How will she travel? Where will she go? Who will protect her? How will she survive? What will she do? What will she find? She has to either find answers or come to terms with the unknown. So, it is not such a bland or repetitive question as a theme.

There is also the disturbing phantom question of why she is attempting this all in the first place. She wants to find answers. But why find answers? Who is she serving, Romdeau, Daedalus, herself, Vincent, the truth? And what if they are meaningless. She found "the proxy" but what use is it now? As Vincent, not-so-coincidentally, puts it at the end of the episode, "What now? What the hell do we do now?"

Iggy, normally her go-to for support and answers, tries to give her answers and pressure her to return. In doing so, he forces her to realize she would rather choose against him. "We can finally go back to Romdeau!" He essentially helps her turn him away.

When Re-L goes to talk to Vincent, she says, "Tell me, are you a Proxy? Even if you are, it's still going to ...[mean I take you back to Romdeau]"

It's kind of funny how lowly Vincent still think of himself. He thinks of himself as unworthy, an immigrant before a monstrous Proxy.

That kiss is meaningless. It was a desperate ploy of a frightened Re-L, and she wipes it away afterwards. Although, she looks like she was kind of surprised and solemn at her own reaction rather than disgusted. And Vincent... I think he knows too it was all fake, but it satisfies him that he has a chance. And he is both patient enough and gentleman enough to wait until Re-L agrees to accept his proposal.

Then there are the random Proxy and autoreiv boy. They seem entirely a plot device for Vincent to show he is a Proxy, but they serve more of a purpose. Some of that is for the next episode, actually, but it is also interesting to note how they serve as contrast against Ergo Proxy and Pino. Ergo Proxy is no brute, thanks to Vincent and how Pino and Re-L have changed him. And Pino is no autoreiv now that she has been changed by Vincent, cogito, and her own experiences. The proxy and autoreiv seem to me to be a vision of Christmas Future that are being grimly or mercifully denied existence.

The autoreiv boy gathers food as gifts for his Proxy guardian. They probably survived this long by not actually needing to eat, but it would be a pleasurable gift anyway, right? Or maybe they can still scavenge enough to get by.

Vincent seems to have matured noticibly. He is still apologetic as ever, but he doesn't jump to groveling all the time. Instead of, "You have to believe me!" it's along the lines of, "That's understandable, I find the situation hard to believe myself." Along with some serious thoughts about the future instead of just being swept along entirely unable to understand.

Iggy is probably is the only one that realizes that Re-l complaining is because of her own alienation and discomfort. He probably also is the only one to realize that Re-L's dismissive behavior is because she is growing out of Romdeau and Iggy.

That fist clench scene at the end, as well as his gasp after the Turing application has been turned off are not design errors.

To me it sounds like Pino doesn't know how to actually be scared just yet. Her cries are painfully mimicked versions of terror. She blows on her piano flute as an alarm, which is why Re-L knows something is wrong and it is Pino. Vincent of course, reacts to the other Proxy's presence. He doesn't want to change, and resists it until his god powers inform him that Re-L is going to be in trouble.

Re-L is touching her lip and says "Vincent, no...!" Either because she actually cares and is worried for him, or else purely in reaction to her trauma of her encounter with Ergo.

Re-L is considering killing Ergo when she sees a flash of Vincent. Ergo is fighting the proxy and he sees a flash of Re-L. These memories both make them question themselves and both weaken their resolves. Ergo is thrown back and Re-L hesitates.


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It is rather impressive just how gender-fair this anime is. Re-L is adored by three separate men in the series. She doesn't play them. She isn't cold-hearted, simply oblivious. She isn't goofy or use their relationship as an excuse to tease sex appeal. Yes, she is portrayed in some audience pandering shots, but it seems almost to empower her. She is damn visually appealing, and she is aware, but she doesn't feel a need to ever flaunt or use it. Even her kiss isn't a very sexual act so much as a block. She does not bat her eyes, in fact she looks angry she was taken advantage of and /let/ it happen in her surprise. In short, she isn't sexual and she isn't cold. She is a normal badass girl. Romance isn't a priority, but she isn't oblivious either. She is valued by other men, not ignored, and she ignores their attention because she isn't expecting it and isn't very good socially.
She isn't a good female lead with some trait exceptions, she is entirely a good female lead. No traits are shoehorned in to make her appealing. No hidden weaknesses. No coldhearted asexuality. No sexual flaunting or pouting or anything. She is Re-L, without any shallowness for the audience, just her own (--that she overcomes herself).


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02 April 2013

Burning at the Edges

I'm tired.
Yeah, you slept a lot in the afternoon and had several hours of rest before that.
I'm hot. When did I get hot? This.... only happens when I get sick. I'm getting sick. I can't get sick.
It will pass. It probably has to do with the changed sleep schedule. You can get sleep tonight. Just one assignment. A couple hours. One thing at a time. Just take it slow and don't get overwhelmed. (one more tomorrow afternoon, the next day a long day of work, but that's just going and putting in the effort, then maybe some test, but it's okay, you can handle it. You're stronger than you think. And you know you've done stuff like this with ease.)


One thing at a time.

Yeah. Right. One thing at a time.

*tears at the edges begin to drop*
Like I have been all along. And then I'm exhausted and failing. And then I procrastinate and the "rest" doesn't help me improve. It's been a controlled fall, but I've been falling all along.
There's. There's just no end in sight. No break to get to, and then I can recuperate. That would be the weekend I guess. Except I need to study then. Then I'll be caught up. Except I need to get away from it all.

No I don't. I have plenty of time to rest and to not do work. Every day you waste hours on the internet, remember?

Then. Why. Am. I. Exhausted. Sick. Tired. Scared.

Because you procrastinated and then started asking these questions instead of actually working. You always do instead of getting on to the work. If only you'd actually do the work, you wouldn't be behind. You wouldn't be panicked. You wouldn't be tired. You wouldn't be depressed. And here you are, making it worse in more ways then one. Just do the work. You know it's the answer. Why do you never just do the work? You know that helps. You know that is what kept you doing well in the past. Just do it. You can. You can do it.


*blackness*
*encouragement*
*woe*
*confidence building*



why. why did this start. I don't understand. this isn't me.
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