I want to think.
I want to always be aware of the world and my world and what could be. I do not want to do things because I feel there is no other way, or because I feel afraid to do something different, or because I have forgotten that the world is more than it is.
If within this year I could realize it, I would never forget to think. If I cannot do that, then I would like to gradually learn.
[question, explain]
(For me, "to think" in this way, is a slightly grand, almost holy thing. It seems too perfect, too simple and pure---It seems impossible. It needn't feel that way. Not because it is so utopian in my eyes. I have done it and cherished it before. I have even gone days-on-end living like so, when I was most euphoric. And now finally, after years of writing and working through and self examination, there is virtually nothing left in my way to doing so. I do not know when the tormenting downward spiral transitioned into lazy circles. I do not know if it is just my current mindset warping what was, is, and will be. It may be naive, (I have no personal evidence it is naive, just dogmatic belief) but for now I think it possible and possible even for me. Even within the year.)
I am too afraid of hope to let myself embrace the possibility, but.... I believe it within my grasp. And that I will naturally push closer and closer. And someday, perhaps sooner than later, I will be this person which is only a paragon and a thirst to me now.
The idea of that is amazing to me. That it is realistic; That I can.
[is it real]
(That I believe so, what once I didn't even imagine and later would never have supposed. And despite all of my careful checking and questioning and pessimism, I still have come to truly believe it so near)
And so, I say: I will.
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