[[unpolished post]]
I can't figure out exactly why I love stealth games as much as I do.
The funny thing is, I have not played that many, and I arrived at that conclusion after playing only one game - Thief 3. (To date I have played Thief 3, Beyond Good and Evil, Fallout3, and Splinter Cell)
So how and why did I come to be so married to stealth in games? It was a mystery to me, weakly explained by my love of first person and my enthrallment with the idea of getting to planning ahead and strategize. I would mention things like how I liked to explore and see every corner and detail included by the developers as possibly part of the explanation, but I couldn't really tie down why I find them intrinsically so much more appealing.
Well, I just discovered another reason, which may be an even more central cause. In stealth games inaction is an option. Therefore every action is a conscious choice.
At any time I can leave the area to hide in a safer zone, or I can weigh the benefits of charging ahead and into danger.
Becoming involved itself is a meditated choice I make, or do not make. I can either sneak by while the guard is standing there, peg him now, or wait until I know he will leave his post.
This has an enormous effect upon me. Suddenly, the act of playing the game itself is immersive. While I still easily break the immersion by making a game-y choice (eg, I don't care if I die, lets run past anyway) operating in the game world can't be avoided.
How is this different from, say, a shooter, an rpg, or any other genre? Well, it probably has to do with control. In an rpg, the encounters, the loot, your attacks, as well as the overall plot are all fixed, random, or otherwise out of my control. It is very limiting in this way and I am consistently aware of playing a game. I can still enjoy it, but only as a game, not as a world important to me.
(Being too aware that I am playing a game is a huge problem I have. It frequently makes games un-enjoyable for me and I can't seem to shake it, even when I really want to)
Playing an fps, on the other hand, is much more immersive for me because I am constantly making decisions right down to which gun and how I move. While the plot is still fixed and the world around me is very regimented, I can still feel like I am at least a real entity operating within in the game world. The game world, unfortunately, often conspires to make me remember it is a game. We've all walked into an open area spotted a few health packs, and immediately known: "This means a boss is coming." The fences, enemies, events, or lack thereof constantly force me to act in a specific way. This is great for tailoring an intended experience while still letting the player choose when and where to move, and I fully appreciate it. But it still makes it oh so easy for me to spot game mechanics.
A tiny lag - must be a checkpoint. Danger ahead.
A new weapon? Must be a new enemy or section of game head.
Oddly quiet? Must be a build up for a bigger battle or an extended puzzle.
Once that battle is finished, I can count on a restock and a plot point or a quieter section.
A new building model? Must be important later.
A locked door? Chances are I'll be questing for a key.
Character is the average good guy? Probably going to die later.
Character cares too much about something? They will probably betray you for it later.
Lots of chest high walls? Prepare for enemies.
Bright light? Probably supposed to head that direction.
The list goes on and on. And I always notice them. I think about how to take advantage of every little thing, trying to beat the game instead of enjoying it.
Stealth games, for me, make the entire game lose its boundaries in a way other games do not.
I can use any number of methods to overcome him, or I can just avoid the guard altogether. Taking note of all the game mechanics is what I am supposed to do, and therefore they are concealed a little more aesthetically - particularly since I have the time to stop and notice them. The environment is part of gameplay instead of just a part of forcing the player into gameplay. They are challenges and obstacles instead of guides. I can be playing to beat the game, and still find it enjoyable. I also have far more control over who I am and what choices I make. The world still contains me, but that is both because it is supposed to, and because I am the one who is unable.
As I said before - more strategy, more environmental importance, more exploration, more sense of being inside the game world (immersion). And on top of it all, I also am consciously and intuitively choosing how to play the game as part of the game. All of these together mean that stealth games are games that I can wholesomely enjoy where other games I lose enjoyment of.
Not only to I get to choose how to act, but whether to act at all. Be it for economic, moral, or enjoyment reasons, I can choose to act in exactly the way I want. And without "breaking" the game. Sure, in a shooter I can force my will upon the game and demand that I use my pistol against a gunship, but the game breaks when I choose to do that. The game will become contorted and deformed. I will most certainly die hundreds of times, it will not be fun, it will not be a good difficulty, and it will be not the same game. In stealth games, any method is an option and the game does not break when you choose alternative methods. Of course you can still break the game - running through a level with the expectation of being cornered eventually and dying, but often you can get away with any tactic and still find a way to accomplish your goal. Or at least make it back to safety to try again once the heat has died down.
28 March 2012
24 March 2012
Knowing Not
"
It does sound corny. But that is only because I have never experienced anything close to the pain you have inside you. That is only because there are other people out their who want attention and jabber this story out to get people to give them things. But when this story is real. That is when it rips my heart apart and makes me see how terrible the world is in the dark forgotten corners that everyone tries to pretend don't exist.
I am one of the lucky ones. One of the few that has a ridiculously perfect life. And I know it. All that I can do is offer to do anything I can for you.
Right now the only thing I can say is never ever give up hope, because then you have lost yourself. Keep hoping. Keep trying. Never stop. Thank heavens that you wrote this. That you realize that maybe you need to listen to someone, that maybe you need help.
And don't tell me that this confession makes you weak. That is a complete lie. Please, start searching, start finding a way to change your life for the better. If nothing else wake up from your sweet dreams and tell yourself that you are you. You will not give up. You will make a path for yourself and you will live. Live because it is worth it. Because it is always worth it.
I know it is worth it.
I am here.
I am listening.
"
I wrote that probably about four, or so, years ago. I know I have had a sheltered life. That I don't know anything when it comes to hardship, wrongness, or suffering. I have never experienced an encounter with death. I don't know gangs, or violence, or desperation.
I think myself strong of mind and I think I could understand someone who knows those things, even if I couldn't understand the experience of those things themselves.
I am lucky in so many ways. I have never known real pain or fear. I have always been cared for. I am rich, perhaps not in the strict sense of amount of money, but I have definitely always had everything I ever wanted.
I've easily been myself my entire life, with hardly any opposition for it. ( Though what little I have had, never touched me. )
So, innocent lily that I am, I still think I can judge the world with a clear, knowing mind. I still think I can understand others who have seen what I have not, and I still think I know more than them.
And I still feel no emotion for most reality, only for concepts and ideals.
Its probably abnormal. It probably means that I am either something out of time and place, or maybe I can claim to be ahead of my time. (Hopefully still unbelievably primitive compared to what kind of thinking the future will bear)
I think I experience life deeper than everyone around me. That I see the beauty and the pain in colors hidden from others. That I care about the things that matter more than flat reality, the ideas behind them that give them essence. I think I know just how much the world isn't magic, but senseless reality. I think I know what is real and what is fake and what to think in the face of it all anyway.
But it could all be fallacy. I could just be a foolish child who knows nothing and never will. One who will not even know that I know nothing.
And even that, I lie in thinking I know what to think of in the face of anyway.
How lamentable that there is no way out.
It does sound corny. But that is only because I have never experienced anything close to the pain you have inside you. That is only because there are other people out their who want attention and jabber this story out to get people to give them things. But when this story is real. That is when it rips my heart apart and makes me see how terrible the world is in the dark forgotten corners that everyone tries to pretend don't exist.
I am one of the lucky ones. One of the few that has a ridiculously perfect life. And I know it. All that I can do is offer to do anything I can for you.
Right now the only thing I can say is never ever give up hope, because then you have lost yourself. Keep hoping. Keep trying. Never stop. Thank heavens that you wrote this. That you realize that maybe you need to listen to someone, that maybe you need help.
And don't tell me that this confession makes you weak. That is a complete lie. Please, start searching, start finding a way to change your life for the better. If nothing else wake up from your sweet dreams and tell yourself that you are you. You will not give up. You will make a path for yourself and you will live. Live because it is worth it. Because it is always worth it.
I know it is worth it.
I am here.
I am listening.
"
I wrote that probably about four, or so, years ago. I know I have had a sheltered life. That I don't know anything when it comes to hardship, wrongness, or suffering. I have never experienced an encounter with death. I don't know gangs, or violence, or desperation.
I think myself strong of mind and I think I could understand someone who knows those things, even if I couldn't understand the experience of those things themselves.
I am lucky in so many ways. I have never known real pain or fear. I have always been cared for. I am rich, perhaps not in the strict sense of amount of money, but I have definitely always had everything I ever wanted.
I've easily been myself my entire life, with hardly any opposition for it. ( Though what little I have had, never touched me. )
So, innocent lily that I am, I still think I can judge the world with a clear, knowing mind. I still think I can understand others who have seen what I have not, and I still think I know more than them.
And I still feel no emotion for most reality, only for concepts and ideals.
Its probably abnormal. It probably means that I am either something out of time and place, or maybe I can claim to be ahead of my time. (Hopefully still unbelievably primitive compared to what kind of thinking the future will bear)
I think I experience life deeper than everyone around me. That I see the beauty and the pain in colors hidden from others. That I care about the things that matter more than flat reality, the ideas behind them that give them essence. I think I know just how much the world isn't magic, but senseless reality. I think I know what is real and what is fake and what to think in the face of it all anyway.
But it could all be fallacy. I could just be a foolish child who knows nothing and never will. One who will not even know that I know nothing.
And even that, I lie in thinking I know what to think of in the face of anyway.
How lamentable that there is no way out.
18 March 2012
Five Leaves
I watch anime.
And, while I don't watch a ton, I have definitely racked up quite a number of shows over the years.
Most of the anime I watch is probably of the more uncommon or unpopular variety with a few obvious exceptions. I find that I enjoy the more serious and slower paced ones, often with science fiction elements. Of course I don't always watch or even enjoy the same types all the time, but I definitely have a tendency to prefer complicated, dark, slow, and thought-provoking anime. I hope that some of the best ones I come across I'll be able to share one day with someone else who will enjoy them for what they are just as much as I. I'd have so much to talk to them about, I would think.
In any case, House of Five Leaves is a 12 episode anime that is fairly unusual. Though it takes a traditional premise - a samurai, down on his luck, gets involved in a gang that performs kidnappings, and then he begins to suspect that there is more here than meets the eye - it feels and tells a story that is very unique, unusual, and interesting. And I would argue, wholly enjoyable.
There are no magical elements. What coincidences that still occur retain their feeling of reality. The characters are each fleshed out, no so much in a variety of emotions, but at least in terms of interesting back story. Being a work of fiction, their backgrounds are abnormally interesting, but they don't cross the line to extremely fantastic and they are composed of a good variety of sources and events.
I guess I am most impressed by this anime because the entire way through it felt dreamlike, but so very plausible. All of it I could believe without feeling like I had to force myself to think - "give it some leeway, it is a story. It is an anime. It is just trying to be impressive or climatic." None of that. I never once had to make excuses for it, and that is far far more than most anime. Most anime, nay most stories, (even the good ones) I have to forgive for various transgressions when they shoehorn in to increase the stakes for the sake of excitement. While I admit that this anime wasn't very exciting, I still cared about the story and didn't every feel cheated, played, disgusted or forced to be charitable.
House of Five Leaves is exactly what it means to be. It doesn't need to apologize for trying to be something it is not. If you don't like it, you won't like it and there is no way around it. It stays true to itself the entire way through and doesn't change its characters, plot, pacing, or style at any point.
Another way it isn't a lie, is that it doesn't try to push some moral or meaning onto its events or characters. Everything involved is not necessarily completely good, nor completely bad. While the villains are ruthless outlaws for the money, so are the good guys for the most part. It is a fine line between right and wrong, when there is a line to be seen at all. This means that you don't get a feeling of victory when a heist is completed successfully, nor when an enemy is killed. Just as it ought to be. The entire anime has the effect of dulling your senses, both from the neglect of definitive values and also from the slow pacing and general apathy. You would think this could only be bad, but it is what House of Five Leaves is, and what I appreciate about it. It doesn't ever give a concentrated feeling of being real, in the sense that many "gritty" books and movies do, but all the elements that make it up, right down to the amount of exposition, are very realistic.
The House of Five Leaves is an odd bird.
It's characters aren't terribly intriguing. The plot isn't harrowing. The mood isn't thick. The music, while nice, isn't amazing. It is told in a dreamlike manner, but still realistically. It has grey morality without making you question your core values. I can't pin down why this anime is so good, nor can I really claim that it is altogether really good. I can say that it stands out compared to the glut of terrible stories. I can say that it is very unique and has many good qualities.
I just can't give a solid reason why I recommend it as being good. Nor why I liked it quite as much as I did.
I do know that I want to watch it again. I feel like its meaning is not direct.
More than that.....It's like...
House of Five Leaves is about second Truths. Not the kind of Truth that beckons us to act. But the kind of Truth that directs how we choose our compromises. Not the type of Truth that defines us, but the type of Truth that is forced to exist because we can't meet the definitions. It is still pure, it is dirtied beneath reality, messiness, and complexity, and thus not absolute Truth.
House of Five Leaves doesn't try to speak about these second Truths directly, but I feel like they hang in a fog all through it. I don't think I can ever know a Second Truth. The closes I can get is to just graze by them, and maybe become familiar with them in that way. I don't think I'll ever be able to put these ethereal concepts in words since they are made of of all the degrees of Truth between Truths, but I do think that by watching it again once or twice more they will seep in to fill the cracks between things I "know" in my mind. .
Maybe some day you will watch it and you will know what I mean.
I hope so.
And, while I don't watch a ton, I have definitely racked up quite a number of shows over the years.
Most of the anime I watch is probably of the more uncommon or unpopular variety with a few obvious exceptions. I find that I enjoy the more serious and slower paced ones, often with science fiction elements. Of course I don't always watch or even enjoy the same types all the time, but I definitely have a tendency to prefer complicated, dark, slow, and thought-provoking anime. I hope that some of the best ones I come across I'll be able to share one day with someone else who will enjoy them for what they are just as much as I. I'd have so much to talk to them about, I would think.
In any case, House of Five Leaves is a 12 episode anime that is fairly unusual. Though it takes a traditional premise - a samurai, down on his luck, gets involved in a gang that performs kidnappings, and then he begins to suspect that there is more here than meets the eye - it feels and tells a story that is very unique, unusual, and interesting. And I would argue, wholly enjoyable.
There are no magical elements. What coincidences that still occur retain their feeling of reality. The characters are each fleshed out, no so much in a variety of emotions, but at least in terms of interesting back story. Being a work of fiction, their backgrounds are abnormally interesting, but they don't cross the line to extremely fantastic and they are composed of a good variety of sources and events.
I guess I am most impressed by this anime because the entire way through it felt dreamlike, but so very plausible. All of it I could believe without feeling like I had to force myself to think - "give it some leeway, it is a story. It is an anime. It is just trying to be impressive or climatic." None of that. I never once had to make excuses for it, and that is far far more than most anime. Most anime, nay most stories, (even the good ones) I have to forgive for various transgressions when they shoehorn in to increase the stakes for the sake of excitement. While I admit that this anime wasn't very exciting, I still cared about the story and didn't every feel cheated, played, disgusted or forced to be charitable.
House of Five Leaves is exactly what it means to be. It doesn't need to apologize for trying to be something it is not. If you don't like it, you won't like it and there is no way around it. It stays true to itself the entire way through and doesn't change its characters, plot, pacing, or style at any point.
Another way it isn't a lie, is that it doesn't try to push some moral or meaning onto its events or characters. Everything involved is not necessarily completely good, nor completely bad. While the villains are ruthless outlaws for the money, so are the good guys for the most part. It is a fine line between right and wrong, when there is a line to be seen at all. This means that you don't get a feeling of victory when a heist is completed successfully, nor when an enemy is killed. Just as it ought to be. The entire anime has the effect of dulling your senses, both from the neglect of definitive values and also from the slow pacing and general apathy. You would think this could only be bad, but it is what House of Five Leaves is, and what I appreciate about it. It doesn't ever give a concentrated feeling of being real, in the sense that many "gritty" books and movies do, but all the elements that make it up, right down to the amount of exposition, are very realistic.
It's characters aren't terribly intriguing. The plot isn't harrowing. The mood isn't thick. The music, while nice, isn't amazing. It is told in a dreamlike manner, but still realistically. It has grey morality without making you question your core values. I can't pin down why this anime is so good, nor can I really claim that it is altogether really good. I can say that it stands out compared to the glut of terrible stories. I can say that it is very unique and has many good qualities.
I just can't give a solid reason why I recommend it as being good. Nor why I liked it quite as much as I did.
I do know that I want to watch it again. I feel like its meaning is not direct.
More than that.....It's like...
House of Five Leaves is about second Truths. Not the kind of Truth that beckons us to act. But the kind of Truth that directs how we choose our compromises. Not the type of Truth that defines us, but the type of Truth that is forced to exist because we can't meet the definitions. It is still pure, it is dirtied beneath reality, messiness, and complexity, and thus not absolute Truth.
House of Five Leaves doesn't try to speak about these second Truths directly, but I feel like they hang in a fog all through it. I don't think I can ever know a Second Truth. The closes I can get is to just graze by them, and maybe become familiar with them in that way. I don't think I'll ever be able to put these ethereal concepts in words since they are made of of all the degrees of Truth between Truths, but I do think that by watching it again once or twice more they will seep in to fill the cracks between things I "know" in my mind. .
Maybe some day you will watch it and you will know what I mean.
I hope so.
16 March 2012
Developer for Life
So I was just kind of messing around on the internet, doing a hundred things, all of which don't really matter all that much. Well, I was listening to an ExtraCreditz episode. I wasn't even watching it fully, though I was listening to it closely enough (while looking at other things) to really hear every word. This is a bit odd for me since I used to watch every ExtraCreditz with full attention, and near when they were released too. Well I managed to get behind and for some reason, was so intent on escapism that I didn't even want to commit my attention to an entertainment video. (truly, they are farrrr more than a simple entertainment video, but wording is for communicating more than just fact)
Here is what I was listening to.
What amazed me, was that even in this half-dormant state of mind, their message crystallized in me so easily.
Truly, it was an episode on how to be a good developer, and the message was essentially: go out and do things until you know everything there is to know - but really they were touching on a subject that I have had hanging over my head in all manner of ways: How to be the best I can be, and who exactly do I want to be anyway?
Their words on being a developer encouraged me that I really could become a developer if I wanted to set out to become one. While I didn't think I had the character traits to be a real leader (I don't) I was basing that on the way I haven't taken apart machines for fun, created a game for fun or written my own programs for fun yet. While those are true, many of the other critical aspects of a developer I do have. I do want to understand things from the bottom up. I do value other people's talents/ideas/methods and I do have some idea of how to communicate with a team. I do look at things and wonder how they work and I do like to research alternative ways to do things. I am willing to put in the time and effort to make something right, but I understand the need to say "enough is enough." I do have a wide variety of knowledge and I do have problem isolation and solving skills.
So, then, I lack two things. I basically knew it all along, but I am one step closer, by naming them clearly, to possibly moving forward and changing them.
The first is that I rarely ever take "the first step." I don't decide - okay! Time to do something! - and then go do it. I have very little self-initiative. This ranges from just getting out to explore the place I live, to building little projects, to contacting people, or just pursuing ideas.
The other thing that I do not do, is think of projects and then do them. I don't take things apart, or create new things. I don't come up with ideas and then see what I can make based on them.
Between these two I limit myself in a lot of ways. These are traits I admire in others. They are things that I see other people do and it makes me turn around and think about how much greater they are than I. But, in all honesty, they are traits that I really should and really can teach myself.
In some ways I don't want to. I like being the "shadow support" more than "the leader accomplishing goals." In other ways I know that there are things I am passionate about that I wish passively that I pursued and improved more often.
So, while I do believe I can start to cultivate these characteristics in myself and become a different person (one I admire more) because of it, there are two road blocks - ironically, the initiative to actually do it and also the /desire/ to do so. I don't know if I want to become that type of person even though I admire them and their work so much. I've been content to not be noticed, to be told ideas and then do the work without being the inspiration or seed that began the whole thing in the first place. I like being that unassuming person that is pushed by the tides, but also can whirl in and make a difference before fading away just as mysteriously. I like being the one without a dream or a goal, who is there to build up other people's without having my own grand ideas.
On the other hand, I can still be the friendly person who helps others while still possessing my own goals and strivings. There ought to be no reason not to want to become more of a leader and more of, well, someone who is amazing enough to actually do these incredible, unique, crazy, and worthy things.
I don't know.
I still don't know who I want to be or if I want to be something different.
Here is what I was listening to.
What amazed me, was that even in this half-dormant state of mind, their message crystallized in me so easily.
Truly, it was an episode on how to be a good developer, and the message was essentially: go out and do things until you know everything there is to know - but really they were touching on a subject that I have had hanging over my head in all manner of ways: How to be the best I can be, and who exactly do I want to be anyway?
Their words on being a developer encouraged me that I really could become a developer if I wanted to set out to become one. While I didn't think I had the character traits to be a real leader (I don't) I was basing that on the way I haven't taken apart machines for fun, created a game for fun or written my own programs for fun yet. While those are true, many of the other critical aspects of a developer I do have. I do want to understand things from the bottom up. I do value other people's talents/ideas/methods and I do have some idea of how to communicate with a team. I do look at things and wonder how they work and I do like to research alternative ways to do things. I am willing to put in the time and effort to make something right, but I understand the need to say "enough is enough." I do have a wide variety of knowledge and I do have problem isolation and solving skills.
So, then, I lack two things. I basically knew it all along, but I am one step closer, by naming them clearly, to possibly moving forward and changing them.
The first is that I rarely ever take "the first step." I don't decide - okay! Time to do something! - and then go do it. I have very little self-initiative. This ranges from just getting out to explore the place I live, to building little projects, to contacting people, or just pursuing ideas.
The other thing that I do not do, is think of projects and then do them. I don't take things apart, or create new things. I don't come up with ideas and then see what I can make based on them.
Between these two I limit myself in a lot of ways. These are traits I admire in others. They are things that I see other people do and it makes me turn around and think about how much greater they are than I. But, in all honesty, they are traits that I really should and really can teach myself.
In some ways I don't want to. I like being the "shadow support" more than "the leader accomplishing goals." In other ways I know that there are things I am passionate about that I wish passively that I pursued and improved more often.
So, while I do believe I can start to cultivate these characteristics in myself and become a different person (one I admire more) because of it, there are two road blocks - ironically, the initiative to actually do it and also the /desire/ to do so. I don't know if I want to become that type of person even though I admire them and their work so much. I've been content to not be noticed, to be told ideas and then do the work without being the inspiration or seed that began the whole thing in the first place. I like being that unassuming person that is pushed by the tides, but also can whirl in and make a difference before fading away just as mysteriously. I like being the one without a dream or a goal, who is there to build up other people's without having my own grand ideas.
On the other hand, I can still be the friendly person who helps others while still possessing my own goals and strivings. There ought to be no reason not to want to become more of a leader and more of, well, someone who is amazing enough to actually do these incredible, unique, crazy, and worthy things.
I don't know.
I still don't know who I want to be or if I want to be something different.
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