Developer for Life

So I was just kind of messing around on the internet, doing a hundred things, all of which don't really matter all that much. Well, I was listening to an ExtraCreditz episode. I wasn't even watching it fully, though I was listening to it closely enough (while looking at other things) to really hear every word. This is a bit odd for me since I used to watch every ExtraCreditz with full attention, and near when they were released too. Well I managed to get behind and for some reason, was so intent on escapism that I didn't even want to commit my attention to an entertainment video. (truly, they are farrrr more than a simple entertainment video, but wording is for communicating more than just fact)
Here is what I was listening to.
What amazed me, was that even in this half-dormant state of mind, their message crystallized in me so easily.

Truly, it was an episode on how to be a good developer, and the message was essentially: go out and do things until you know everything there is to know - but really they were touching on a subject that I have had hanging over my head in all manner of ways: How to be the best I can be, and who exactly do I want to be anyway?

Their words on being a developer encouraged me that I really could become a developer if I wanted to set out to become one. While I didn't think I had the character traits to be a real leader (I don't) I was basing that on the way I haven't taken apart machines for fun, created a game for fun or written my own programs for fun yet. While those are true, many of the other critical aspects of a developer I do have. I do want to understand things from the bottom up. I do value other people's talents/ideas/methods and I do have some idea of how to communicate with a team. I do look at things and wonder how they work and I do like to research alternative ways to do things. I am willing to put in the time and effort to make something right, but I understand the need to say "enough is enough." I do have a wide variety of knowledge and I do have problem isolation and solving skills.

So, then, I lack two things. I basically knew it all along, but I am one step closer, by naming them clearly, to possibly moving forward and changing them.

The first is that I rarely ever take "the first step." I don't decide - okay! Time to do something! - and then go do it. I have very little self-initiative. This ranges from just getting out to explore the place I live, to building little projects, to contacting people, or just pursuing ideas.
The other thing that I do not do, is think of projects and then do them. I don't take things apart, or create new things. I don't come up with ideas and then see what I can make based on them.

Between these two I limit myself in a lot of ways. These are traits I admire in others. They are things that I see other people do and it makes me turn around and think about how much greater they are than I. But, in all honesty, they are traits that I really should and really can teach myself.

In some ways I don't want to. I like being the "shadow support" more than "the leader accomplishing goals." In other ways I know that there are things I am passionate about that I wish passively that I pursued and improved more often.

So, while I do believe I can start to cultivate these characteristics in myself and become a different person (one I admire more) because of it, there are two road blocks - ironically, the initiative to actually do it and also the /desire/ to do so. I don't know if I want to become that type of person even though I admire them and their work so much. I've been content to not be noticed, to be told ideas and then do the work without being the inspiration or seed that began the whole thing in the first place. I like being that unassuming person that is pushed by the tides, but also can whirl in and make a difference before fading away just as mysteriously. I like being the one without a dream or a goal, who is there to build up other people's without having my own grand ideas.

On the other hand, I can still be the friendly person who helps others while still possessing my own goals and strivings. There ought to be no reason not to want to become more of a leader and more of, well, someone who is amazing enough to actually do these incredible, unique, crazy, and worthy things.

I don't know.

I still don't know who I want to be or if I want to be something different.