Knowing Not

"
It does sound corny. But that is only because I have never experienced anything close to the pain you have inside you. That is only because there are other people out their who want attention and jabber this story out to get people to give them things. But when this story is real. That is when it rips my heart apart and makes me see how terrible the world is in the dark forgotten corners that everyone tries to pretend don't exist.

I am one of the lucky ones. One of the few that has a ridiculously perfect life. And I know it. All that I can do is offer to do anything I can for you.

Right now the only thing I can say is never ever give up hope, because then you have lost yourself. Keep hoping. Keep trying. Never stop. Thank heavens that you wrote this. That you realize that maybe you need to listen to someone, that maybe you need help.

And don't tell me that this confession makes you weak. That is a complete lie. Please, start searching, start finding a way to change your life for the better. If nothing else wake up from your sweet dreams and tell yourself that you are you. You will not give up. You will make a path for yourself and you will live. Live because it is worth it. Because it is always worth it.





I know it is worth it.
I am here.
I am listening.

"







I wrote that probably about four, or so, years ago. I know I have had a sheltered life. That I don't know anything when it comes to hardship, wrongness, or suffering. I have never experienced an encounter with death. I don't know gangs, or violence, or desperation.
I think myself strong of mind and I think I could understand someone who knows those things, even if I couldn't understand the experience of those things themselves.

I am lucky in so many ways. I have never known real pain or fear. I have always been cared for. I am rich, perhaps not in the strict sense of amount of money, but I have definitely always had everything I ever wanted.

I've easily been myself my entire life, with hardly any opposition for it. ( Though what little I have had, never touched me. )

So, innocent lily that I am, I still think I can judge the world with a clear, knowing mind. I still think I can understand others who have seen what I have not, and I still think I know more than them.

And I still feel no emotion for most reality, only for concepts and ideals.

Its probably abnormal. It probably means that I am either something out of time and place, or maybe I can claim to be ahead of my time. (Hopefully still unbelievably primitive compared to what kind of thinking the future will bear)

I think I experience life deeper than everyone around me. That I see the beauty and the pain in colors hidden from others. That I care about the things that matter more than flat reality, the ideas behind them that give them essence. I think I know just how much the world isn't magic, but senseless reality. I think I know what is real and what is fake and what to think in the face of it all anyway.

But it could all be fallacy. I could just be a foolish child who knows nothing and never will. One who will not even know that I know nothing.

And even that, I lie in thinking I know what to think of in the face of anyway.
How lamentable that there is no way out.