I've obsessed about it before in the abstract, lamenting how terrible it is that I keep falling into this habit of doing things because they are practical. Not thinking, not caring, and just dulling all my senses and enduring for the sake of a meaningless "path to the good life." You see, the basic question is, Should I focus on achieving a good status now, in order that I will have an excellent position later?
Should I put aside all my side obsessions and desires in order that I may adopt them later?
That doesn't make any sense. Not only will I lose all my familiarity with how to actually be interested in things, but I will have instead wasted a good portion of my life. And I have done it before and noticed how much it just doesn't work. For all the time I dedicated, I got so little reward out of it. Whereas if I had instead enjoyed my life for what it was, not only would I have learned more about myself and my interests and had a better time, I would probably be better off for having learned how to involve myself and experienced my interests.
I wanted so hard to be the ideal child. So I was. I performed very very well in school. I never neglected my family's wishes. I never transgressed in any real way. I didn't take risks, I followed most advice. I didn't disappeared off with my friends. I thought I had all the freedom in the world because I had great parents. But now I don't wonder if it was freedom to restrict myself and if I really had tried to do things in a better, more "me-central" way (learning about myself and my world through those self-experienced path of risks and failures) instead of more "future securing" way, I would have been just as constrained by them, under the pretense that I would have been "losing my chances at life." I sincerely doubt they would have acted that way, but it's something I must admit I'll never know.
And of course it seems like I am wrong to think I know better. To try other things when it is so clear that the "right" path is this dedicated, working, focused, preparation one.
And yet....
What that would mean is that it is no longer about the scores and the reputation and the usual objective measures of success. Instead it is about my own involvement, passion, and learning.
I can't help but be revolted. How can I claim such superiority over the "proper life." I'll just slam into a wall and fall all the way I have climbed, won't I? Isn't that what happens? And I'll have so many regrets, and I'll lose the life I could have had! That's what they always say, and they're right, aren't they? How dare I gamble with my life when I have been given everything so far, when I am playing with huge amounts of cash, and all the expectations of friends, family, and my future self.
But the more I stop and think about it. Really think, instead of my constant assumptions, it makes so much more sense. So much more sense to become the person that does what matters to them. So much more sense to pursue dead ends and risks and reap the rewards of understanding, experience, and passion. So much more sense to become the person that doesn't hide behind carefully planned statistical probabilities and instead actually lives. What life, what future, am I securing by this dead lifestyle of maximization of my position. What will I do with it, but continue thinking every year is a critical year to continue securing my future? What, in fact, would be the point if I never learn of myself, my interests, my personality, and my goals? How could I achieve anything but a safe life, secured from everything and sealed off from the things that I really hope for? Yes, I merely want a modest life. That makes no difference. I want a modest life where I am free to do with myself what I will. Not a modest life that is such a fortress of preparedness that all I do is reinforce walls and avoid actually making it livable inside.
How can I teach myself how to live that life of a nomad, wandering the world and picking the fruit I find, when all I know to do is lay bricks, one by one?
Well.
The first step would have to be to accept, with my heart, that I actually do want such a new lifestyle. I've talked about it before, but.... but to actually imagine, accept and desire it without crippling fears and the doubt driving me back to the "right" "safe" "proper" "best" path. (So obviously the right, safe, proper, best path! How can I deny it? How dare I deny it?) I have to do that first before I can progress to any degree. Then. Then maybe I can change how I think and go about things. Actually begin stepping out and just doing things without any promises and plans and guarantees and backups. Actually flourish and grow my life in unexpected and fascinating ways. Try things. Pursue things. Begin things. Really, really create and attempt and bring life to the things I want to do even now, but avoid because of the unknown and the lack of will to actually begin them. (That same lack of will I have talked about before. That same willingness to wait and go without. That same lack of ability to ever begin thing despite all the ideas and interest I have in them.)
I'll have to think on these things. I'll have to think for today, for the next week, perhaps longer. I'll have to be sure and to know. But once I do know. Once I am sure. Then nothing will be holding me back from changing who I am, who I want to be, and what I will become.
Would I be happier?
Edit days later: Oh god, so much fail. I just realized that what I am thinking about as I wrote this is essentially the exact same pattern of behavior as how I (hate how I) play videogames. I've been trying to beat life instead of live it. I try to find out what the objectives are, plan and hoard for them as hard as I can, and forget the rest. That is so effed up.
And I can say that is so wrong, but I don't know how to think any other way about it. Just how I fall back into the same habits about 5 minutes later in a game when I try to play it differently. Yes I can divert myself, yes I've been expanding how many things I appreciate and value and experience. But really really to change how I think and live and plan?
When I look at it that way, it seems like I'll never be able to. Small steps, Grey, small steps.
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