Not hiding

There's no need to hide my tears.
I can walk right by someone, with tears still on my face, look them in the eyes, smile, and they won't even notice that I've been crying.




I will, in the midst of my distress, wish that I could talk to someone - tell someone I'm upset. And then I try to visualize it, and realize that I don't want to hear from anyone, and I don't really desire anyone to know.


"It's okay." I know.
"It's hard." No, it really isn't.
"You're a good person." Yeah, well, that isn't really the problem and it doesn't really help.
"You'll be okay." I'm aware, I'll agree in about a minute.
"I'm here for you." I don't think you can help.
*Comforts* I feel awkward and like I've wasted your time.
*Listens* Now I feel stupid and like I've wasted your time.
"There are other things that are more important." Yeah, I know, I'll be back to normal in a bit.
"Aww, don't cry." This feels more meaningful than being back to normal. But it's wrong and unbalanced if I were thinking straight. I don't want to feel bad about this because I know its not reasonable or practical or helpful. I don't want to be normal either, but it'd be better I guess. Better because it'd be more acceptable. Better because I'd get something done. Better because it's reasonable, practical, logical, and stable.


So what /would/ help? It's not from the responses. I already know pretty much all the angles and ways to look at my situation. I already know what I feel and what I should think and why.
What I do want, is to be understood. Not to be comforted, but to actually have someone know what I'm experiencing. I just don't think know no one would understand the in's and out's of how I feel, and it'd be just a painful inability to communicate for both of us if I tried.

It doesn't stop me from wanting to be understood.



(I can even articulate the exact combination of thoughts and emotions that cause me to be upset. I can even describe and bring out the looming fears and sadness and how they affect me. I can even pinpoint the way they cross and scrape and why it affects me so. But it wouldn't do any good. I could get someone to understand the cause and the things I care about and why, but not the depth nor the ripples nor the roots that weave in and out and bind it and suspend it. Let alone someone being prepared or wanting to understand.)