Senseless

What is the point of it all?


Why am I wasting all of this time, effort, money, and trust when I don't even care that much what happens in my life. Why am I always taking from other people when it doesn't do any good anyway. When I don't even know what I actually want. When I am just sad and happy irrespective of the things I try to do to make my life worthwhile.

At least I can tell that it isn't my fault. That much has changed. It was, for a long time. It was so clear how I wasn't... was giving up and making life worse for myself because I wasn't doing even the basic obvious things that would make my life better, happier, more stable....

But now, I can list things upon things upon things that I have wanted to do, and am doing.

I can list all the things I am involved in, that fill up my time and my day and can stand up in comparison to other students' schedules. I am pursuing many of my own interests actively, and I am not as shamed by my interest and fun in anime and computer games. I am speaking up and making friends and planning events. I am taking many classes I am interested in, and I know much of the things I am being taught before I am taught it. I am reading books and creating things for other people and am generally liked. I am taking care of myself somewhat, and getting to bed at earlier times and sleeping later than in the past.

But here we are. Again.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to work and even the material itself seems inconsequential. I don't want to do the things that make me happy. I just want to lie down and do nothing.

And really, that is the thing. It's all hopeless. Doing nothing wouldn't really make a difference.



I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn how to manage it, I don't know what to fight against, I have to learn to stand on my own, I ... I can't, I must, I can't, I must, how, I must, I must. I'm breaking the things that I care about, and I can't piece anything together - let it go. First, I must, I must, I must, I can't do anything else, I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, help me, go away, I'm alone, it's better this way, I shouldn't say, and I want to learn to, to stand on my own. I have to learn to. And here I am, juggling daggers because I don't know how, I can't. But still it's there, standing over me, I have to learn to stand on my own, it's all hopeless, , , , , , I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, I have to learn to stand on my own, I ------