All in all I'm happy with who I am, but critical that other people often act so superficial. Then I notice that I put on these personas and don't bring up topics that I find important either. My excuse - that I am happy to accept for now - is that I want to learn more about them so I purposefully put on a personality they will be comfortable around in order to hear about their lives. And it's true. It is something that I love to do. No matter how much another's lifestyle is something I would never think of being like myself, I want to know about it so I can understand it. Still, I think that at some point in my life, I need to put forth portions of my personality that I believe to be important and ought to be shared. I need to encourage others to do the same about the things they find most important in life. I want people to talk about personal matters openly. I want people to talk about things that are vastly important in our lives. I want it to be a conversation, whether these things are global or introspection, whether they are vague or specific. I wish desperately that people would talk about the things that matter to them, not avoid them. Why do we do that? It's an awful habit and total nonsense.
One of the things I dislike the most about myself is that I never have anything to contribute. I never have anything meaningful to say. I never start a conversation or say anything new or interesting. I repeat and I agree. It makes for a good way to be accepted and get others to show their colors, but I seem to be deficient in any ability to do anything interesting myself. Sometimes in writing I can say worthwhile things. These ideas are my own and (I think) significantly independent from external sources. I've discovered I can do at least this much and I'm doing what I can to encourage it, but in conversation I am mute when it comes to originality. I can, at most, bring ideas from other sources I have heard, but I, myself, am wholly a soulless puppet in place for a thinking being. Its pathetic and I hate it about myself. I'm excellent at understanding and clarifying other people's thoughts when they have difficulty explaining it themselves. I just can't do anything of my own. Its a poison I've been born with and I want to wipe it out. But how? How do you learn to think of meaningful things to say?
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This topic has been twisted in many directions now, but in my mind they are all connected in a tangle. I don't think this makes for a well written post, but I think it's all things I should try to put into words. I shall split it up a bit to make it more coherent, but I can't seem to portion it off quite appropriately in my own mind. Part I | Part II | Part III
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