My changing persona makes it very easy for me to get along with all kinds of people and swim in all kinds of situations. Its a talent, a skill, and its something I consider myself good at. At the same time I am pretty aware that there are whole areas that other people are critical of that I am not even aware of. When people talk about not liking another person because they are annoying or the like, its often that can't tell at all what they find unlikable. I also know that there are many things I do and act like that are extremely awkward and strange for other people. I'm not sure what specifically, just that its part of who I am and how I act. I'm often hard to understand for others, at least I think so.
So often I wish I knew what other people think of me. All the negative traits they would never mention to my face. I want so much to listen in to the talk behind my back about me. I wouldn't be offended. A little scared and ashamed maybe. A little amused and a little sad maybe. But most of all I would be interested and try to figure out why and what gives that impression. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I often think I am disliked by most people who know me as acquaintances. I don't mind. It doesn't concern me as long as they find me tolerable and maybe notice that I lead a very different lifestyle.
Oh, I'm terribly embarrassed that I've never seen American Idol, the Super Bowl or know any actors. (Except Johnny Depp and Orlando Blume, but those only by repeated conversation, I don't follow them) I try to conceal how ignorant I am about basic culture and how innocent I am when it comes to sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I try to hide that I'm an academic unless they are too. I don't want them to clam up because I am too different, but I'm also ashamed while simultaneously feeling superior for not wasting my time.
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This topic has been twisted in many directions now, but in my mind they are all connected in a tangle. I don't think this makes for a well written post, but I think it's all things I should try to put into words. I shall split it up a bit to make it more coherent, but I can't seem to portion it off quite appropriately in my own mind. Part I | Part II | Part III
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