Kant believes as I do that intention, meaning, will and internal reality is more important - morally speaking - than actual results. There is a lot about Kant that I can't speak for, but I know that often I do things specifically to alter my feelings or opinion about something. I mention this because it frequently leads me to good decisions and morals, but it also can make things very difficult and/or cause everyone involved all kinds of problems. A simple example would be that I have a necklace I shaped a positive meaning for, so while I wear it I draw strength from it, fortifying my own mind and attitude. It makes it easier to think in a better, "wholer" way. And an example for the other direction would be how I have such difficulty beginning conversations. I wonder at my own reasons for doing so, the response, how I'd react to the response, and all the rippling implications it could have until it is unbearably important. Then I cannot say a thing because it would be wrong to do something I think of as so important and cause all kinds of trouble for myself and others by my overblown imaginings, when I should believe that it is altogether a small affair. It is easy for me to act so, but I have to believe so too to avoid generating harm.
Sometimes on my way back to my room from class, I will stop and do something for the sake of doing it more than anything else. Sometimes it is stopping to watch the clouds or the wind or the birds. Often I have a logical reason, but usually what causes me to do it is more than a reason. It's usually my own brand of spiritual and the only religion I live by.
The frame of mind will emerge suddenly, unprovoked, and when I feel it I always follow it in one way or another. Occasionally I will be unable to pursue it in the most natural way - going off to watch the sunset for example - but I can instead whisper in my mind regrets and promises while letting the experience as I have the limited time to feel it, wash over me. Usually I do have the chance to set aside everything else and fall into the experience completely. It's more than reason, it's more than emotion; though they both play a large part in it. I can feel the wonder of the entire world, marvel at all its logical feats of greatness, but it's not just that. It is profound, it's tied to Truth as I most value it, and it is a sense of oneness. Not connectedness, for that would imply separate parts linked together, but a sense of how everything is intimately the same. How I fit into the world, how the world fits around me. How everything is unimaginably large and cruelly complex while also being surprisingly easy, simple and personal.
Black and white is wrong. Perspective, openness, and sight make it easy to see how everything is not one thing, but many. Almost all our words are applied as if they are absolutes, but even the smallest side-steps in perception make it obvious that nearly nothing we describe as absolute, is. I dislike this attitude and ignorance of the multiple perspectives almost as much as I love to learn more and enjoy as many perspectives as I can for everything I encounter.
I used to think that is was obvious to everyone that there are always 10 sides to any one thing, and that for practical purposes they had found a good way of approaching things in life and just set aside the other viewpoints for practicalities' sake. I thought my interest and childish love of toying with as many perspectives as possible was known, shrugged off, and just acknowledged as just my quirky personal enjoyment. Some comments made by a muni I know, (I still consistently avoid saying muni's name to others, even when speaking to myself. There are many reasons for this, some of which I know, many of which I don't.) however, have made me wonder if perhaps this interest of mine is unique in it's strength but also it it's existence.
This makes me lonely and sad to imagine. Do so few enjoy the benefits of knowing multiple perspectives on everyday things? Though if it were true I'd also feel like I have something valuable that comes easily which I can share with others.
This composition has a stream of consciousness element to it. All of the things I have mentioned so far I think are related in a fundamental way, however I am having difficulty voicing exactly what it is. My caring and desire to see every side of a thing as often as I can, is very closely linked to those instances in which I can enjoy the profound sense of meaning in anything in an almost spiritual mood that comes upon me. This too is not unconnected to the way mind and perception matters more than simple actuality.
I'd turn down any good thing if taking it would mean I would taint my mind for it, and if I could find a way to accept it without scratching my sensibilities then no harm would be done, and I would do it. Even if the actions themselves are identical or opposite in all cases.
If you are imagining direct implications then that is not what I am talking about. It's not like the simple case of - "if I accept this bribe money I can save 100's, but I would be doing a bad thing and feel guilt for a long time afterwards" No. My thoughts would be more like, "If I accept this bribe money and save hundreds, would I be doing the best thing in this circumstance? Yes? Then I will do so." I may feel guilt after the fact, but I sincerely doubt it. I believed I was doing the right thing with the knowledge I had at the time. Whether or not I am doing a bad thing doesn't matter in the end, just that I act in the best faith I can. Nor does the knowledge of doing "something" wrong matter much, as long as it is the best option.
I guess I would look at both option, weigh the good and bad results of each (guilt for promoting bad actions and benefiting strangers, no guilt, no promotion of bad behavior, and no ability to benefit those strangers) then base the entire decision on doing what I believed was right. I would not find preventing bad action on my part to overrule everything, for fear that I will ruin my mind in this way. Nor would I consider the reality of actually helping those 100 strangers the important part of the decision. Rather my belief in it and my intention to choose the best option I had would determine the actions morality and course. For this same reason I am determined to make the choice I believe is right always and without fail. Only then would I feel guilt and then I would have really hurt my mind in an irreparable way.
Then, what I am saying comes down to this: the reality of something being bad or not does not matter. My belief that it is good or bad does. Simultaneously, it does not matter if I do something bad or sacrifice something good if it for the sake of intending something better. Knowledge after the fact to the contrary is mostly if not completely irrelevant.
All of this I think simple and obvious, (though not necessarily easy to comprehensibly voice) but I am not sure it's so.
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