Physics Astonishment

Today the universe made me cry tears of awe.


Maybe it was a combination of finally getting a good sleep. Maybe going to an atheistic meeting where people were actually rational and excited to be alive. Maybe emailing my family and realizing I am happier away from home. Maybe finally reaching out to other people on the internet. Maybe believing I should actually figure out who I am. Maybe from not enjoying the classes I am taking. Maybe slowly readjusting to the new situation. And who knows what else is going on that contributed. I could add to this list for ages...


It started like this: I decided to try and pay attention in physics, and the teacher was actually going over something interesting. Relativity and time travel. I knew most all of it actually, but every step had me grinning and guessing where he was going with it. I have read and talked about and watched kind of a lot of information on it by now, right down to the lightspeed wormhole time machine. And the teacher kept saying, "and this is real, it's been tested, and we know it's true. It's crazy, but this is real." So of course I was in a lighthearted mood. He even played a corny song in the middle about love being like the speed of light, constant and the universe rearranges itself to accommodate it. I felt like taking it more seriously than I normally would. (or less seriously?) And while the rest of the class laughed appreciatively, I watched the teacher who kept his emotions blank while joking about it. And I genuinely looked at the idea and realized how much of a neat thing light is, and how crazy it is the way the world literally rearranges (from our human emotional-changing-perspective-feeling) itself to accommodate it. And of course how love does some of that rearranging our view of the world too.

But it was the end of class when suddenly it got real. The professor ended the lecture with the simple statements that "People really write papers on this stuff. They publish discussions on time travel, relativity, what would happen, what we can do" etc. etc. etc.

I have no idea what happened to me, but suddenly I was crying. I didn't know what was happening to me. I didn't know where it was coming from, I always know where it comes from, the emotion and the beauty there, triggering it. But this time it just happened before I knew what was going on. It didn't make any sense and it was real and I (((

slightly terrified, frenzied and in the back of my mind trying to figure out of there is some way to check if I'm deranged

))) absolutely had to think and take it in because whatever it was, it was wonderful. But I was in a crowded classroom with students all around me. Class was out, but I couldn't just stop and really appreciate. So half-blinded with emotion I struggled to think and to get out of the classroom and to grok. I was afraid it would disappear, but it lingered and took shape, although roughly because I couldn't focus.

It was pure passion and love. For the universe, for my muni, condensed to a single iota. That wonder, that awe, that crazy insane truth and amusement and excitement. That caring that desire to grok and to love, to share, while believing ......... seeing it can be true.

And around it hundreds of other shimmering links and ideas. How much I care about physics and understanding what makes everything exist. How much philosophy draws me and ecology does not. How much I care about passion and yet know so much easier how to be practical. How much I ought to admire those that follow that particular passion, (muni) as well as anyone who follows any passion. Anyone who catches on to a piece of a piece of that incredible mind-twisting reality. How much I do and don't do this. How much I actually am able to appreciate and be emotional about such dazzling truths of life, and yet how much I avoid it in favor of practicality, and completely downplay emotion. (((

Emotion was, for the longest time, an enemy. It still is, in part, while I now also see it is a thing of real good.

)))

What on earth am I doing in ecology (???!) when it is philosophy and physics where I find ideas that bring me to my knees in wonder. Of course I am no good at math and would struggle to achieve much in it, but why do I even consider that to matter in comparison to that. Miracles of the literal variety.

I can't answer why passion should play second fiddle to practicality, and I'm slowly giving it a larger and larger role in my life. I know that practicality matters, but I can't find any intrinsic value in it. It has no place next to the shining ideals that guide my life, yet it dominates how I act. (Let alone how much I act neither out of ideals nor practicality.)



It was incredible and a revelation of sorts. It gives me hope that I can instill in myself and become better at having them. I realize better how following my passion/love/emotion are directions to unlatching more passion/love/wonder. And I could envision..... what I would (could, will) be... "truer" and follow what matters. Both within myself and externally to others too.

It's not just a dream. It's not yet able to survive as a goal, but at least it is very much a strengthening hope.







I hate to stick this at the bottom, but it has no place to go and I think it should be said: I need to take a close look at how I think of emotion, ideals, spirituality, myself. It keeps coming up over and over and it defines myself more than I like to admit. Which is why I need to actually address it.....