Shrouded

I get the feeling that no matter who I am with, I have a shroud over me. Some thin gauze, that makes other people ignore me a little. Not out of anger or shame or fear, but out of pure uncertainty of what to do about me. A small avoidance that returns even after it has been cast off time and time again. I have a couple of close friends that come close to having evaporated it entirely, and indeed it is a thin thing to begin with.

Still, I doubt I am ever free of it.
I think it is there and only now have I given it direct note.

From whence does it come?
Perhaps from my stoicism. Perhaps from my secrets. Perhaps from my quiet. Perhaps from a perceived mysteriousness.

It serves a purpose as well. That shroud becomes a sought-after tapestry when others have secrets of their own. They come close to me, whispering their thoughts and hoping to have a piece of their own to wrap up in. I am grateful to share. I try to impart what comfort, wisdom, hope, and satisfaction, I can. But then we both separate and return to as before. Me with my shroud, and they with nothing but a few threads linking us.




...... they are glad they can return to ignoring me. That I will keep their furtive knowledge under my folds, where no one will find them. Again, my shroud serves a gentle, worthy purpose.
I am happy to be used. That I could make a difference for the better. I understand why they act this way, and I accept their never-to-be-given apologies of helplessness.
It has to be this way, behind my shroud. But it leaves me lonely.





And it makes me sad, but I can't help but feel, that despite it all, they still carry a false smile. I am glad that my own smiles, however weak and frail, are true.





-------------////////////////-------------




I cannot decide if I dislike the way things are. It seems only bad that there would be such a netting over me, but I can only think of good things, despite the ideal of walking free. It leaves me interesting, protected, and different. I can use it to help others. Perhaps it even leaves me free-er to have no hard-mask-facade, when I have such a mantle.


The good thing, then, that I would gain, would be finally connecting with everyone else. Having no shroud between us. Stop being ignored, stop making other's uncertain of how to act, stop being cut off.

But would it only make it so I am only closer to their plastic masks? And then, with no shroud for them to take it off behind....