I think of myself as a practical person and what I mean by that is "someone nearly entirely guided by facts, concrete reality, logic, and goals for living a simple predictable life." Thinking practically: I want a good house, some enjoyable hobbies a reliable income, an interesting job, free time, friends, good health and that's it. Therefore I spend my time getting those things and jealously protect my ability to get them. Being practical gets paired with planning ahead more than engaging in the moment, but it is perfectly viable in both time schemes. Being concerned with mundane necessities and just looking for normal satisfaction is being practical.
Apart from being practical I have incredibly strong ideals. They guide me and I do not violate them. I just don't. (Neglect, yeah. Violate. No.)
Learning is absolutely the most important thing above all else; the most noble pursuit on this earth. Life, in and of itself, is inherently valuable. Committing wrong is virtually unthinkable. Existence is beautiful. Social status is completely meaningless except as a means to an end. Beauty is the understanding and appreciation that makes life worth living - where there is one there is the other. Human beings are no more special than the rest of the molecules. We are animals with an incredible trait - intelligence which is inherently valuable. Death is not bad except in the context of loss of intelligence.
There are many types of intelligence and each is valuable. Perspectives are a part of reality and a tool in our "intelligence toolkit" Essentially they are our keys to the universe. Preparing for life involves not losing the chance to acquire any critical components for living life. Basic needs as well as things like knowledge, access to more knowledge, physical and mental stability. Though if you lose sight of the important goals in life themselves, it defeats the purpose. You basically have already lost life, though you have the potential to gain it back. Emotion is a distraction, merely valuable insomuch as it indicates how to balance oneself.
How I balance ideals and practicality is that, despite how high I place the importance of ideals, they are delicacies and practicality comes first. Always.
But I'm no longer the marionette I used to be, made of practicality and with strings of ideals suspending me. I used to have a small streak of spirituality and all my strong emotions essentially percolated from my ideals.
Yes, I smiled and laughed and was happy with my friends, but the emotions I valued (value) were the times I felt overwhelming sadness, usually from movies although occasionally from other ideas. Every time it was because it was inextricably tied to an ideal, a symbol. Because that is what makes me cry. So I valued that. That beautiful duality of ideals and emotion.
Not only then. When I would cry for my own problems, I could never feel dismay that I was upset. I treasured each moment I sobbed into my pillow. This was sadness, this was emotion, this was caring, this was beautiful. Not the physicality of it, but the way the ideas, emotions, and even physical nature all tied together as one. How could people want to stop feeling sad, to really stop feeling sorrow? How could people wish they could stop feeling? Why can't I be an empath. I want to take that meaning from them, if they want to be rid of it. Ease their pain and feel it's staggering reality course through me. Every time I would feel grief, for what ever reason, it was overwhelming meaning. I wanted to hold on to it and I would wish fervently to be able to steal it from those who only wanted to be rid of it.
That piercing desire is still as strong as ever. But now it is not the only emotion. Joy, wonder, awe. They all used to happen to me, but they were... soft and dull before. Something mildly appreciated. Now they are salient, savored and cherished and come from many different sources. And there are more of them. Loneliness,chaotic, fear, enchantment, bliss, misery, frenzy, passion, affection, love.
Emotion used to be something extra, useless, and to be controlled and manipulated.
Now I'm trying to conjure what emotions I do have, to focus and appreciate them for what they are. Not just as indicators to be noted and stifled, but for what they are. I draw them out and try to feel how they swirl, intermingle, eddy, and flow. I still am uncertain how much value they have, but sometimes I notice that they have much to offer. Other times I am convinced they are as I first thought: false and shallow except for times they come from ideals clashing.
And my spirituality. Instead of something to be stifled, it was an amusing toy. Oh, I took it completely seriously, reading signs from the way objects lay about the house, deciding my course of action based on the divinely inspired place my glance would fall. Simultaneously I would completely believe there was a supernatural power and acknowledge it was entirely my own self creating these fantasies. There was my personal God(s) involved in these spontaneous rituals. He/she/it knew he/she/it was imaginary, but didn't give a care, he/she/it was still exactly what he/she/it was, regardless of not existing. That and I used these moment as a method of interpreting my own unconscious. I would interpret the signs, which must mean that that is how I wanted to interpret them, so then I was off without a second thought. It wasn't like these decisions need to be based on logic anyway, I just need to come to some kind of decision.
And I liked that about myself, and was pleased. I do wonder now, if I can't encourage this side of myself too, and let my spiritual side have a little more reign to exist and interpret and find fictional meaning in the world around me. I seize on an object, imbue it with an idea and make it a larger-than-life symbolism. I fully acknowledge that it's false and my own doing. But it's beautiful, I can meditate on the abstract of things and it does get a lens into my subconscious which suggests meaning I wouldn't otherwise notice. It certainly has given me some strong moments, even if they weren't as meaningful as true reflection, they were certainly interesting and more meaningful than practical pursuits.
In other news: That means the acronym is PIES. Delightful.
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