If I can think of how I do things as creating instead of destroying, then I might be able to live right.
As I thought before, if I can do things because I want instead of have to, I would be far better off.
As I thought before, I accomplish a lot, and yet never gain any satisfaction. Is it because I think of them as removing troubles instead of adding good?
Is it because I manage to get so much done by scaring myself into achieving. If I don't, where will I be. If I fail, how much worse it will be. If I neglect I will fall and destroy what I have carefully assembled.
As I thought before, if I try another way, a better way, won't I risk making irreversible mistakes?
As I thought before, I am obsessing about protecting, about procuring, safeguarding, from that mythic unknown danger that lurks in the future has been my central goal.
Build a tower above a swirling vortex of void. I tasted the air above, and I want it. I wanted escape from ever breathing, ever looking at that inky sucking whirlpool of fear and ruin. But not only is it splashes and turbulence, but it rises with me as I climb.
Instead I should be filling myself with fruit and light, diving into that black maelstrom, living within and apart from it.
It has elements of training my mind, in a sort of martial arts dojo sort of way. It has elements of training my mind in a sort of quiet spiritual temple sage-monk sort of way. It has elements of breaking away and indulging in a wild artist's passion. It has elements of simple happiness and easy-going cheer at the things I come across.
Follow your passions.
Of course I dislike the phrase, but only because passion is used in such a limited sense. Passion itself is a word I dislike despite loving it's multiple definitions individually.
Passion of a bright-eyed, radical, determined, twenty-something.
Passion of an experienced and learned professional.
Passion of a relationship, devoted to each other.
Passion or a monk, with intention to use their mind and soul to seek the path to enlightenment.
Passion of a dedicated and excited hobby-ist, for everything remotely related to their field.
Passion of a child for a game and the meaning they discover there.
Passion bright. Passion dark. Passion proclaimed, passion private. Passion wild, passion quiet.
Yes, I need to learn to have passion, but not in any one way. Yes I have passion now, but somehow it has been obscured and turned towards separation instead of dawning. (of life, of creation, of beauty)
Yes I have made plans and enjoyed many things and discovered many meanings and things important to me. Yet they all remain transient and lost. That itself is not a problem, excepting how they become lost. They are laid down before they are explored. They are watched as they decay, wither, and disappear. They are not set aside in favor of another, but set aside in fear of ....? losing them and all the others I may discover later, unless I pursue protecting myself instead?
I cannot promise I will be able to accomplish the many things I am interested in and hope to do. Certainly not if I continue setting them aside in favor of tireless preparation. But I can, and already have illustrated goals and dreams. If I can become better at lessening my preparation, increasing my eagerness and willingness to keep following my interests without fear.... eh, it's more simple than that. If I can act out of a desire to create instead of a fear at loss. (Not just sometimes, but more and more all the time) Then most everything I want..... it will be so easy to reach.... and not this conflicted struggle.
//// is it really that simple? Is it really just forgiving myself. Is it really just noticing the difference between thinking "I have done badly" and "I want to (don't want to) think that I have done badly?"
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