I constantly take note of what I say, how I act, and what it reveals about myself, both in public and on the internet. Similarly I do my best to keep track of and piece together clues about other people's lives from their own statements, knowledge, and behavior. If I'm flattering myself, I'd call it a little game of Sherlock, trying to glean as much information as possible out of what little is directly given.
As such, I've been very careful to keep specifics out of my various online profiles, this one included. And as such I'm a bit reluctant, but resigned to the fact that I'll talk about the fact that I am in school. It still doesn't indicate much for certain, although it does strongly suggest a likely age range of around 8 years. This too, I am disappointed to communicate. It might have a little to do with wanting to stay nice and safe in anonymity, but my main reason is how I come across to any potential readers. I don't want to be seen as a specific person from a specific place. I want my message to be universal and apply to and from any age range, any culture, any geographic location, any gender, and any walk of life. I don't want to be stereotyped, but the reason I don't want to be stereotyped is because I want my message to stand for itself as much as possible and not be diminished or exaggerated by any personal position that I happen to be in at the moment.
That said, now you know a bit more about me than I would like, but so goes it, because what I want to talk about and use as an example to examine my own personality is how I am doing in school. The same goes for my exact grades. I do not want to be known for a average, high, or low performer. It should not matter nor should it play in to what I'm talking about.
There are times I don't have things coming up, or things to worry about or prepare for, but those are precious few times. There are times I blow off my work or consciously decide to spend time time having fun or doing other things, but even though my life seems balanced enough to me, it doesn't work. I still get worn and moody and frustrated.
Despite all my studying and work I will get middling grades. Despite all the time I spend doing nothing and avoiding work and not studying, I still have decent grades.
I forgot about a test this week. I woke up after a late night with 3-4 hours of sleep at 6 or 7 am and worked for an hour and a half or so. The test was hard, easier than the last one, but there was a lot I got wrong or didn't know. Then, two days later I had another test, today. This one I studied for for over three days, again waking up at 6 or 7 in the morning (no alarm, I just wake up for no reason and feel rested enough... on 5-6 hours of sleep. I do get tired later in the day...) and studying for an hour and a half or so. It was not as much as I have before for similar tests, which I am barely getting passable grades on. I think I did poorly on it today, more so than usual.
I have a test tomorrow that I have not had time to study for until today and I do not want to concentrate on anything let alone go back to working.
Yesterday I had a fascinating conversation with a friend that lasted for a good 45 minutes I think. It came out of nowhere and was really nice and in depth about things I care about. It left me happy, but it wasn't enough.
Two (or was it three?) days ago I went to a party which was fun and loud and I fit in. Then, late at night, it turned to absolutely entrancing subjects and I was able both to listen in to personal and important and thoughtful discussion as well as help guide and provoke it. That lasted for several hours deep into the night.
It wasn't enough to stop this restless unhappiness from setting in.
I'm going to be going on a trip, getting away from here and getting to spend time with my love tomorrow. I can't see past my current state. Not to the test. Not to the transportation arrangements. Not to the evening I arrive. None of it elicits a reaction.
I received a paper back today with a grade of 96%. I studied a lot for that test and needed a good grade for that class. I felt a flicker of happiness that died almost immediately. I sort of dully thought, "this is about how I should be doing regularly which how much work and knowledge I have." It was, of course, a little angry/sad/bitter for a thought, but this too did not carry as much emotion as you might think. I thought it, and then it was gone and I was just holding a paper that I had hoped to get, but didn't feel any real emotion towards.
It's not fair.
I'm grateful that when I do poorly on tests and assignments that I can look at them and rationalize them and that I just feel something along the lines of, "that was negative" and just move on.
But it's not fair that even after I have accepted that the grades I am getting are okay and about as good as I will get. Even after I have struggled and put in work, or avoided and not put in work; that when I get a good grade; or have done good work; or get recognized; that there is no response.
I don't get to feel proud. I don't get to feel happy. I don't get to feel like I achieved something.
I just get to not feel bad, and I get a sense of, "that's how it should be, why isn't it like that more often" before the next thing to worry about settles over me.
Look at how much time and work I put in. Look how much I know. Look how many classes I am taking. Look how much I enjoy all kinds of topics. Look how much I don't complain and do my best. Look how much I don't cram or cheat or try to get scores instead of understanding. Look how hard these classes are and how much everyone has to try hard to do well. Look how much concentration it takes and how I write my own notes. Look at the institution I am going to and how early I am already in upper division classes. Yes there is a lot I don't do and don't study and yes I am far from the best student in any of my classes. But why hasn't anyone noticed? Why doesn't anyone care? Why is it always just when a grade drops a little bit that it is noteworthy. Why can't I feel even the least bit of happiness or reward or accomplishment for all I do and have done? Why is it always business as usual and not, "wow, that's pretty impressive, good job." Why is it only guilt and why does it have to be only struggle and effort and transgression and trying to make up for when I haven't done as well as I should. Why, when I do better than I expected do I only think, "you should do this well all the time, you can do better than you have been." Yes, I know it's true. Yes, actually I get along alright without getting upset or excited one way or the other. Yes, I've been similar to this for a long time, and yes I always cope pretty well and pull through and do well. Yeah, I have free time and yeah I'm not filling my days and wearing myself out with too much to do. Yeah, I can do better, and yeah I've got decent grades.
Yeah, I haven't even studied yet and yeah I'll be studying tonight and staying up late and probably doing alright on that test.
...
I wish I could just stop thinking for an hour, a day, a week. Just stop.
It's just too bad: I've done similar and it doesn't work or help. What little I recover is perfectly equalized by the time that I lost instead of preparing for the next problem.
I'm worn out. Tired, but more than tired in mind and body. Tired at life. Tired at thinking. Just stop already. Just stop everything.
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