Gender in Videogames

Don't groan. This isn't about who's right and who's wrong and how terrible one side is for being ignorant/idiotic/extreme/attention seeking. Or the other side for being ignorant/idiotic/extreme/attention seeking.

I saw a forum post. Some unintentionally brilliant fellow asked, how were women portrayed in the last two games you played? Overwhelmingly the responses were: equally portrayed with a smattering of "no women" "gender insignificant" (for simple games) So overwhelmingly that there were only one or two other responses among hundreds. A couple were "legitimate sexism in the game" (Saints Row 2, Bayonetta) but one or two said this "All girls have miniskirts - ugh, not equal" (GuildWars 2) and "Scantily clad, but chosen for abilities anyway" (League of Legends)

Said Forum: The-Roles-Females-Play-in-The-Last-Two-Games-Youve-Played

Let me just copy some of the responses since I have no idea how long that thread will be around.

On this website I see quite often people who say women are generally represented badly in gaming, so my question is: How are female characters treated in the last two games you played? 1. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, No females in the game. 2.Smite, In this game females are just as powerful as male characters.

1. Star Ocean: The Last Hope Depends on the level you get them to, but all the characters have their own strengths and weaknesses anyway. So technically anyone can be weaker, equal to, or stronger than anyone else. 2. Spec Ops: The Line There are female civilians, I believe with one being tortured to get another character to talk. However, there are male civilians and a male is also tortured as well I believe.

Dragon Age Origins: Pretty much equal in everything, with multiple, powerful female characters. Dungeons of Dredmor: Only difference is the sprite (but she still has huge eyebrows). Yeah, seems pretty equal.

Pokemon Crystal: As fair as you can really be Blood: Gender doesn't really come into that game...

1. Dragon Quest 4 DS remake. The main character of the 2nd chapter is female. Ironically she is physically stronger than my other 2 male party members. 2. Final Fantasy 13. Grinding adamantoise using Vanielle to cast death. Wouldn't be possible without her in the party.

Persona 4: Females are strong and each of the main female characters defies female stereotypes in their own way. Guild Wars 2: Can't really say as I haven't had much time with the game yet. The leader of the Sylvari is female as far as I can tell so there's that.

I just single handedly killed Caesar and his guards with my female character in Fallout New Vegas. The Legion. Declares woman as useless, and are treated like property. Gets destroyed by a woman. I love it :D The second game is Skyrim, in which women seem represented rather well :D

LoL: Plenty of female characters who can be as powerful as the males depending on the skill of the player. Minecraft: None.

Guild Wars 2: Playable and equal to male characters. Hard to make them not pretty when playing Human or Norn though. Can't remember the game before that, it's been a while since I played anything since Guild Wars 2, so I'll go with what I'll play next: New Vegas. Again, playable, mostly equal, and a fair amount of good female NPCs.

Wild ARMs 2: We have a fairly typical Squishy Mage (though there's a male Squishy Mage (even squishier, in fact) to balance her out). But we've also got a badass cyborg bounty hunter who is hands-doown the best non-main-character melee fighter in the game, and a weird vampire girl who's sot of a Blue Mage with decent physical strength. The party's equally divided between males and females if you've recruited Marivel. Chrono Cross: Interesting array of female playable characters, including a mad scientist, a mermaid, a thief, a jester, a dancer, a cavegirl, an annoying kid, and others I haven't even seen.

Skyrim: Males and females are pretty much equal in the game universe and the MC can be either male or female. League of legends: Pretty much the same as any MOBA, has strong female characters who are represented equally but some of their attire is a bit.......yeah......

Borderlands: One of the four main characters is a female, and the single most powerful playable character in the game (in fact, miles ahead of the other three). Other than that females are enemies, mad scientists, bosses, and a couple of kick-ass allies. Counter Strike GO: No women here.

KotOR: Bastilla, Mission and Juhani (potentiall also Revan though it isn't cannon, sadly for Carth). Bastilla and Mission are enjoyable companions (showing a complete oposite end of the personality spectrum), Juhani is pretty bland (Wookiepedia does claim that about half of her intended dialogue written never made it into the game) but credit to her for being the first lesbian I encountered in the Star Wars universe. As for importance to the plot well Mission and Juhani importance is mostly focused around the time they are introduced but Bastilla is one of the main driving forces behind the plot. LoL: The dress code that some of the female characters abide by is...well certainly well aware of what the primary demographic is, but at the end of the day the reason that any champion gets played is for their viability or enjoyability and in that case there is no significant difference.

Devil May Cry 3: One woman in the game who, while kinda badass, doesn't do anything that Dante couldn't have done three times faster, except have a boss fight that is both annoying and awesome at the same time (I mean, the battle is fun and all, but how the hell does a normal human with very little training dodge bullets by rolling?) Devil May Cry 4: Three women in the game. One exists purely to look pretty while wearing not a lot and to mess everything up simply because she found it funny. One is there to extort money from Dante and give tiny rewards whenever he does something huge for her. And one is there to sing and get kidnapped.

Battlefield 3: There's one woman in the US military, and she's a pilot. I find this unrealistic and offensive. Guild Wars 2: There's a lot of women and they all wear mini skirts. I find this unrealistic and offensive. Any questions?

Persona 4 -They feel human, like every other character in the game. The four female main characters will fight with the male half of the cast and they kick as much ass as the guys. Plus, Chie is one of the best characters in the game. 'Dat Galactic Punt... Animal Crossing DS -Well, it's Animal Crossing. No characters (Male or Female) really have any redeeming factors or do anything important. Except for that bastard Tom Nook.

1. Dead Space So a dead girlfriend and a undercover government operative 2.Saint's Row 2 Ummm... yah

League of Legends--lots of powerful females like Leona, Ashe, Sivir, Irelia, Sona, and Ezreal asciiVANIA--You're a letter in the alphabet... no genders at all

Lego Batman 2: probably under-represented a little bit, two of the most useful female characters (Supergirl, Black Canary) are much harder to acquire than their male counterparts (Superman and Man-Bat). Beat Hazard: N/A Bayonetta: Whole can of worms. I'm on the side of positive portrayal, but that's hardly unanimous.

1.Dead space The women in that is a engineer and the only person in that game who is sane. 2.Bioshock The women are pretty much equal to men read they run around trying to kill you. Except for the one that has something to do with the little sisters. On a side note I just realized how many of my games have only three people who say anything of consequence.

Guild Wars 2 - strong female NPC's (protagonists and antagonists) all around, they were obviously aiming for 50/50. Battlefield 3 - No females here.

Soulstorm There is an entire army made up of women in power armor that literally use fire to kill everything. Warriors Orochi 3 I'd make a comment about some of the women wearing outfits that are impractical for going into battle, except a lot of the men aren't much better.

After the double post about Guildwars and LoL and beginning reading expecting only to find "discriminated, discriminated, discriminated" I understood better why women are so objectified, stereotyped and generally ill-portrayed. Guys don't notice or care about how women appear, are treated, or behave when it comes to worth and equality. To them what matters is what they do and are capable of doing. Your worth comes from your utility and there is no inequality left after that. Anyone can get put down, what matters is your own ability. Besides, in a perfect world everyone would be beautiful and show off, so what's the problem? In short, guys think girls are shown equally! Why? Because they are just as powerful!

Girls define worth more about how they appear, how they behave, and act. Not as much what they contribute. They see women as weak for giving in to wearing revealing clothes and strong for not relying on appearances. Girls return that it can be social weakness, even if they are beautiful especially paired with the other women's social cues in games. Women completely ignore power as an indicator of equality and worth and instead notice their social position, posturing, and appearance (treatment) Basically how they appear and are seen in this fantasy world (and ours,) socially speaking.

So who's right? Both. I think women are lacking in dimension still, but I didn't realize how far they had come and how right guys are that it matters a lot that they are already just as powerful as the guys in videogames.

Physics Astonishment

Today the universe made me cry tears of awe.


Maybe it was a combination of finally getting a good sleep. Maybe going to an atheistic meeting where people were actually rational and excited to be alive. Maybe emailing my family and realizing I am happier away from home. Maybe finally reaching out to other people on the internet. Maybe believing I should actually figure out who I am. Maybe from not enjoying the classes I am taking. Maybe slowly readjusting to the new situation. And who knows what else is going on that contributed. I could add to this list for ages...


It started like this: I decided to try and pay attention in physics, and the teacher was actually going over something interesting. Relativity and time travel. I knew most all of it actually, but every step had me grinning and guessing where he was going with it. I have read and talked about and watched kind of a lot of information on it by now, right down to the lightspeed wormhole time machine. And the teacher kept saying, "and this is real, it's been tested, and we know it's true. It's crazy, but this is real." So of course I was in a lighthearted mood. He even played a corny song in the middle about love being like the speed of light, constant and the universe rearranges itself to accommodate it. I felt like taking it more seriously than I normally would. (or less seriously?) And while the rest of the class laughed appreciatively, I watched the teacher who kept his emotions blank while joking about it. And I genuinely looked at the idea and realized how much of a neat thing light is, and how crazy it is the way the world literally rearranges (from our human emotional-changing-perspective-feeling) itself to accommodate it. And of course how love does some of that rearranging our view of the world too.

But it was the end of class when suddenly it got real. The professor ended the lecture with the simple statements that "People really write papers on this stuff. They publish discussions on time travel, relativity, what would happen, what we can do" etc. etc. etc.

I have no idea what happened to me, but suddenly I was crying. I didn't know what was happening to me. I didn't know where it was coming from, I always know where it comes from, the emotion and the beauty there, triggering it. But this time it just happened before I knew what was going on. It didn't make any sense and it was real and I (((

slightly terrified, frenzied and in the back of my mind trying to figure out of there is some way to check if I'm deranged

))) absolutely had to think and take it in because whatever it was, it was wonderful. But I was in a crowded classroom with students all around me. Class was out, but I couldn't just stop and really appreciate. So half-blinded with emotion I struggled to think and to get out of the classroom and to grok. I was afraid it would disappear, but it lingered and took shape, although roughly because I couldn't focus.

It was pure passion and love. For the universe, for my muni, condensed to a single iota. That wonder, that awe, that crazy insane truth and amusement and excitement. That caring that desire to grok and to love, to share, while believing ......... seeing it can be true.

And around it hundreds of other shimmering links and ideas. How much I care about physics and understanding what makes everything exist. How much philosophy draws me and ecology does not. How much I care about passion and yet know so much easier how to be practical. How much I ought to admire those that follow that particular passion, (muni) as well as anyone who follows any passion. Anyone who catches on to a piece of a piece of that incredible mind-twisting reality. How much I do and don't do this. How much I actually am able to appreciate and be emotional about such dazzling truths of life, and yet how much I avoid it in favor of practicality, and completely downplay emotion. (((

Emotion was, for the longest time, an enemy. It still is, in part, while I now also see it is a thing of real good.

)))

What on earth am I doing in ecology (???!) when it is philosophy and physics where I find ideas that bring me to my knees in wonder. Of course I am no good at math and would struggle to achieve much in it, but why do I even consider that to matter in comparison to that. Miracles of the literal variety.

I can't answer why passion should play second fiddle to practicality, and I'm slowly giving it a larger and larger role in my life. I know that practicality matters, but I can't find any intrinsic value in it. It has no place next to the shining ideals that guide my life, yet it dominates how I act. (Let alone how much I act neither out of ideals nor practicality.)



It was incredible and a revelation of sorts. It gives me hope that I can instill in myself and become better at having them. I realize better how following my passion/love/emotion are directions to unlatching more passion/love/wonder. And I could envision..... what I would (could, will) be... "truer" and follow what matters. Both within myself and externally to others too.

It's not just a dream. It's not yet able to survive as a goal, but at least it is very much a strengthening hope.







I hate to stick this at the bottom, but it has no place to go and I think it should be said: I need to take a close look at how I think of emotion, ideals, spirituality, myself. It keeps coming up over and over and it defines myself more than I like to admit. Which is why I need to actually address it.....

No More.

Oversimplification is now my personal enemy.

It used to be a cute pet peeve, turned into an obnoxious teenager, and has now matured into a putrid debauchery.

I thought it was just a phase, but now I know it is a scourge. I thought, naively, that it served a purpose. It inspired debate, it promoted speedy progress, it multiplied and spread conversation.

But whatever good it serves, it has clobbered and flooded and filthed. Everywhere I look I see more and more oversimplification. More of it and greater extents. It's devolved into a race to see who can oversimplify the most, in a mad scramble to yell the loudest to reach the ears of the nonexistent listeners. Nothing gets done when you trumpet something so simplified that it has lost any scrap of meaning. It is a road to nowhere if all discussion is in a permanent disconnect with ideas so simplified, so extreme, and people so unyielding or deaf that no one is even able to talk about the same concepts and ideas.

I like simplification. I like taking a complex idea, picking a piece and then dealing with that small piece at a time. That is simplification. This daft oversimplification done in pure intent to avoid talking about ideas, to avoid having any sort of grounds to even begin talking about it, is horrifyingly delusional. All communication grinds to a halt and all that is left to do is howl gibberish or leave.

If your castle can't stand up, you improve it or build a new one. Don't move over to a boulder and then scream and jeer when no one wants to fight you for it. Or worse yet, scream and jeer and fight over it anyway.







In case you are rolling your eyes and thinking, "you just don't get it, my political party is merely misrepresented." I'm not talking about just politics. It is religion. It is games/movies/tv shows. It is environmentalism. It is every single subject, conversation, discussion. Online. In person. About facts, about opinions. It is a rampant social plague. Maybe it is because we don't think we want understanding, we think we want agreement, ego, power, I don't pretend to know. It might have even always been this way, I DON'T KNOW. But I know that it is sickening.

Leaves

Sometimes I can't help but think, for all the world, I am the only one to see it(')s splendor true(ly). I can't look at anything and not wonder at it. I can't not think of all the things it came from, all the possibilities unrealized, and all the realities it inhabits from the fundamental to the imagined. From the abstract to the direct sensations. The multitude of expressions it inspires and all the subjective ways I know. A room, a square foot of ground, a sentence. All unfolding leaves of lexicons of meanings. How can anyone walk this existence and not be completely snared by such astounding and ever-twisting ropes of reality? But instead I find myself awash in a glittering sky with no bottom. I see that I've cast myself too far astray, so let me pull the threads into a pattern spun for you.

I can't pick anything and see it in a single way. Something can never be just "a chair" or a "scrap of paper" or "a footstep." Surely everyone thinks of an objects present purpose an order of magnitude more sharply, but that doesn't remove all the side realities. The very definition of what something is, is rife with qualifications of context, audience, simplicity, and perception.

A chair; as in the barest, most abstract dictionary qualifications? A chair as in anything used for that purpose? A chair today or the epitome of a chair a few millennia ago? If you mean the reality of that chair, here, now.... then should we be thinking of it in the context of someone else in the room, or an elderly Asian man who has lost his sight? Is it for its aesthetics? Alone or in conjunction with its surroundings? As an architect? Photographer? Painter, sketch artist, or game designer? How are they different and the same, anyway?

Historically, chemically, philosophically, politically, socially, satirically. Anyone can single out the qualities to emphasize or camouflage, sort out the tangle, and summon-assemble a custom existence. That is the nature of reality or perception. Everything is locked up within the single object and activated by thought-alchemy. And as with any alchemy, you can't control the reaction entirely, nor can you prevent it from completion.

Of course I delight in it. Darting through pieces of meanings like a swallow twisting and arcing after gnats. (but why is no one else playing with me at this game? And if not joining me, then at least acknowledging the sport? Surely, surely, no one lives in one dimension? Oh and what would that even be like? )

Sometimes it is a mystical talent all my own to spin such realities out of a single artifact, and other times it is purely the nature of the human mind to make predictions, amplifications and extricate patterns. But whatever the case, there are many perspectives where there is infinite wonder for me to watch unraveling. Or maybe I mean coiling.


Oh won't you see, oh don't you see.
How wonderful the world can be.
How every little mystery
is out there just for us to free.

That every second of passing time
From now to then, is your's and mine
That every moment is sublime
And there is all of it to find

Shrouded

I get the feeling that no matter who I am with, I have a shroud over me. Some thin gauze, that makes other people ignore me a little. Not out of anger or shame or fear, but out of pure uncertainty of what to do about me. A small avoidance that returns even after it has been cast off time and time again. I have a couple of close friends that come close to having evaporated it entirely, and indeed it is a thin thing to begin with.

Still, I doubt I am ever free of it.
I think it is there and only now have I given it direct note.

From whence does it come?
Perhaps from my stoicism. Perhaps from my secrets. Perhaps from my quiet. Perhaps from a perceived mysteriousness.

It serves a purpose as well. That shroud becomes a sought-after tapestry when others have secrets of their own. They come close to me, whispering their thoughts and hoping to have a piece of their own to wrap up in. I am grateful to share. I try to impart what comfort, wisdom, hope, and satisfaction, I can. But then we both separate and return to as before. Me with my shroud, and they with nothing but a few threads linking us.




...... they are glad they can return to ignoring me. That I will keep their furtive knowledge under my folds, where no one will find them. Again, my shroud serves a gentle, worthy purpose.
I am happy to be used. That I could make a difference for the better. I understand why they act this way, and I accept their never-to-be-given apologies of helplessness.
It has to be this way, behind my shroud. But it leaves me lonely.





And it makes me sad, but I can't help but feel, that despite it all, they still carry a false smile. I am glad that my own smiles, however weak and frail, are true.





-------------////////////////-------------




I cannot decide if I dislike the way things are. It seems only bad that there would be such a netting over me, but I can only think of good things, despite the ideal of walking free. It leaves me interesting, protected, and different. I can use it to help others. Perhaps it even leaves me free-er to have no hard-mask-facade, when I have such a mantle.


The good thing, then, that I would gain, would be finally connecting with everyone else. Having no shroud between us. Stop being ignored, stop making other's uncertain of how to act, stop being cut off.

But would it only make it so I am only closer to their plastic masks? And then, with no shroud for them to take it off behind....

Who I used to be....

I feel almost like I should make a chart.

When I was young, I had convictions.
Real convictions.
I did not float or wander through life. I knew truths of right and wrong and I knew myself. Things just were, and I was as solid as stone when it came to the things I truly, truly knew.

I thought clearly and had almost vow-like attachment on these matters. They were never a list of things, just, things that fit a category of things I noticed and knew. I can repeat most all of them word for word:
I will never drink.
I will never do drugs.
I will never disrespect or hate my parents.
I will never have sex.
I will not wish I were older, nor when I am older will I wish I were younger.
I will not have a child of my own, but I may adopt or mentor some youth some day.
I will never marry, but I may live with someone for awhile. Until it is over. Then they will leave. And that will be it.
I will never smoke or give in to peer pressure about such "status" conflicts.
I will never tell a lie.
I will never cheat.
I will never break a promise.
I will never swear.
I will do right, because it is right.


All of these convictions were firm and clear with the reasons behind them. I knew that most violated them. A few I knew I would even be considered strange or wrong for not doing. But they were true. I would not do them. I knew that. Drinking and drugs were not worth the harm to my body, whatever the benefits. Marrying and having a child were too much commitment, it was beyond my ability to give such a promise of myself or anyone else. Honesty was right. Always. There was no contest on the matter, lying would only prolong, worsen, or create new problems. Swearing had no good enough reason, for the harm it caused. And starting served no purpose, so it would never happen that I would get into the habit in the first place.

Things changed a bit in middle school and high school. In some respects, the fact that it changed at all was huge, but in other respects nothing changed at all.

I had fights with my parents. It was primarily defending myself, not for foolish reasons. It doesn't make me any more comfortable that I destroyed that rule. I thought I knew myself. I also remember clearly thinking, "I am acting like this because I have to practice being angry at someone, and I can only do that safely with my parents. I hope they understand." It was a biological instinct, need, or drive, realized in a very non-instinctual way. I still wonder if there was a better way.

I have sworn sometimes. Mostly in discussing about swearing, and also to improve punchlines of jokes on occasion. But twice I swore in a real way. Once was in a compliment, trying to be as emphatic as words allow. And the other time to my father, trying to get him to understand how upset I was. I also have more recently made "shit" and "hell" not considered full swear words. I still avoid them largely.

I have broken one promise I'm aware of. I promised M****sa I wouldn't become close friends with T**a. I remember the words and I broke that promise. It bothers me and I will not forget that I transgressed so. I realize now I should have never promised, but at the time I thought it would be true anyway.

I have drank alcohol once. It was a sip of wine at Al*******a's pool less that 3 months ago. I don't regret it, but tastes are as far as I'll allow myself, ever.

And that's the real difference. For all of these I have not changed. The only change is a nearly fearful acknowledgement that I may change. I may, someday, destroy these rules. Despite how certain for the present time, and the expectation that I will always hold them, I may not. Still, I will always tell the truth, never cheat, never break promises, never do drugs, never drink alcohol (except a sip once in a great while), swear (unless with great purpose), smoke, or have sex (except if I find a way to that... would not violate who I am. It seems completely impossible).

These certainties were a part of what defined who I was. Yet, they have only weakened and nothing so certain has replaced them. They are still a large part of who I am to myself.

I know, if I told anyone these certainties back when I first knew them, or even years after when I was much older, they would have smiled with confusion and laughed at it, believing I would, could, never do these things seriously. That they are too strict, too idealistic, too unrealistic, and too naive. Even I am, despite my certainty, sometimes surprised that I knew them and that I have still kept to them.

I never told anyone else these certainties, but they never wavered for years. From before elementary school and on through my life. I did not tell my closest friends.... not my family.... no one.
Not because of shame, or just because no convenient opportunity arose. Because they were my truths and should be protected as much as possible.

What defines me now, it feels like nothing. Which I do not like. I am happy I have shed many of my biases and discovered many false convictions and many more things that make up my values, while balancing my previous values better. But still. I have lost some of my foundation and I want to reinforce it again. What is it that I know to be absolutely true?

That there is everything to be found in everything. Yes, but what do I know, for sure, about myself? That I will not lie. That I will always do the best I can. That I will always love and strive to learn about everything. That I will always see the good in things. That I do not need other people, or interaction. That I care more for meaning than for materialism. That I want to be an empath. Most of these are things I knew before. And all of them are not the same, solid unchanging standards I am seeking. Except perhaps that I want to be an empath. So what are those things, now?
I think.... I think these are them: That I will do right, because it is right. That there is beauty, knowledge, and good to be found from everything. That, when push comes to shove, I am strong and will be true to myself. And, strangely, that I love to swim.

Those are things that I know. Will never question... Except, I no longer know myself the way I once did. So can I ever say that again?

Feral Felis domesticus

Lost. In the dark. On a street with apartment buildings yellow-ed by two aged streetlights. Edges of edifices that are barely more than scratches on a black emptiness.







Holding still, but searching and looking and casting about. Not fearful, but so very in the wrong place. Thrown out of habitat, out of familiarity, plucked from a warm safety and left fluttering like a moth in hopeless circles that can't hold their shape.

















Alone with creeping chill. No danger save the gnawing hunger pains. And hardly a question, but an echoing statement. Where do I go?












There is no direction. The light dissipates after the next streetlight, leaving grey forms with no meaning. The next few meters are certain, but after that perception drops off. And what would those few meters gain you, but more certainty of just how there is no place to go?












Strike out, and all there is to find is the absence of the light you are crouching beneath right now. Still, your eyes are sharp, and you peer with a slowly fading intent. Time passes. Nothing changes. A breeze. The flicker of an insect. Most of all the lack of change has becomes apparent and a solidified presence. Your limbs are stiff now, your choice is the same.



























Your eyes are dull with nothing to see. Your mind is numbed with nothing to think.



























What is the light, but a false comfort. In reality the darkness is no more undesirable than the cutting beams that never vary.

















So you stay in the light. If only because it is a fraction more familiar. And the world goes on. Day never arrives. Nobody else comes across you. Nothing stirs. The only passing of time is the slow, undetectable flow of air. It comes from nowhere, and it leaves for nowhere. I would say that decades pass, but time has no meaning in this place.























































Finally, the light went out.





















































































It made no difference.

On Indoctrination

Values are a very personal and early acquisition. We, as a people, very rarely question our own, deep, values precisely because they are the very foundation of who we are. It is a difficult question to even imagine, let alone ask, seriously analyze, and even, if I could be so preposterous, change. We see all the time how our own values are different or in direct opposition to the other people's we meet. It is more obvious from different cultures, yes, but no two people have exactly the same values. We can even take that statement for granted, because it is so obviously true.

Yet we never approach the idea of knowing or changing our values in any real way. In fact, if I let myself be a little conspiracy theoristic, I'd even say the way our society is built is precisely so that our core values are never touched upon in any kind of interaction. The results of our values, yes, and many heated arguments are had, but when it comes to the values that make up our very lifestyles and world views we rarely speak or even think of them.

I have tried to live my life in such a way that I take nothing for granted and even reason out the very nature of all my thoughts and actions, but even with this natural tendency I take my central-most values for granted as truths that should not, cannot, be considered or questioned.

That is, in a lovely and terribly paradox, the exact opposite of what my core values are - namely to take nothing for granted and reason out the very nature of my thoughts and actions. The question then becomes - why do I value what I do? my values are very fundamental. Learning, knowledge, and understanding is innately valuable. Morals are innately valuable. Thinking, logic, analysis, is innately valuable. Autonomy and happiness is innately valuable. Newness and differences are innately valuable. There are sets of values which are fundamental to the universe itself. Things that are permanent are valuable. Money, fame, temporary things, nonsense, immoral behavior, unoriginality and unhappiness are all things that are not valuable. I cannot even conceive of these things having innate value past them indirectly contributing to the things that I think do.

Why?

Why do I take these things for granted? How can I imagine something different when they seem to form the very basis, or at least be very close to the very basis of most of my thought. And how can I claim that these thoughts are any more valid than taking for granted that any random, fantastic thought, must be true. In short - where do I find or validate my most core thoughts, truths, beliefs, values, and morals? How can I even begin to evaluate them. Particularly since they are the tools I use for evaluation. How can I validate that logic is logical using logic? How can I say that happiness is good when good is perhaps defined by happiness? Or, in my case, that learning is good when good is defined by knowledge? (admittedly the idea is constructed in a more complex way, but ultimately, that is what I fundamentally believe and fundamentally cannot seem to find a way of thinking something else more true, or anything else true really)

Why do I know knowledge is better than ignorance? Really, why? I can't claim to know it then. So why do I believe it? I guess because it makes me happier and it makes the world seem a stabler place which also makes me happier. But I don't value happiness, so it isn't quite just that. I value understanding. Not my own, but all understanding. I also value the way the understanding is acquired. And I have a specific value of how my values are balanced against one another. I was taught and born with this perception. And it would seem I am stuck with it until I find a way to compare it using someone else's method or discover my own.

How can you modify your own core thoughts, beliefs, values, morals, being?

I don't know, but I know it is part of my core thoughts beliefs, values, moral and being that I think/believe/value that humankind is nearly miraculous in it's ability to modify it's own thoughts beliefs values morals and beings. For better, or for worse.

Minecraft Malady

Yesterday I was stolen from.
I had only been at work for three days so it was hardly anything terribly valuable. I still can't decide how I want to react. If they had taken some of my things, even all the useful things, I wouldn't have cared a whit, and probably just kept going as I was. However, they took more than they needed, even going so far as to take my mushrooms, bowls, saplings, and more. They couldn't have used it all, or even carried it all, so they must have just pilfered it almost for pilfering sake. That is what puts me in this dilemma. I don't like being stolen from, but it's tolerable and can be pretty fun and challenging. But when all of my things are taken, even the ones that have a use pretty much for me, and me alone, it poses a problem.

What's more, I started to catch the sickness. I started to think about how I ought to take from other people. Not as much and not as callously, but I had an itch that now it was my right to go around stealing. It would only be fair. Thankfully that fit passed soon. I can think of a few solutions - go and locate some places that is distant so I will be stolen from less often. Hide or include traps so it becomes more and more difficult to steal from me. Just make everything convoluted and difficult to get to or find...

I still want to be raided. I think it would be interesting and fun. However I want to keep some things safe and I do not ever want to be stolen from indiscriminately again. Warnings and signs can't work because being forceful would encourage the behavior and there's no grantee anything less will have any effect whatsoever.

This really did have an almost malicious flavor to it. Not really directed at me, but a sense that they think everyone else is below them and they want to take for takings sake.
I was lucky, that on a whim I decided to hide my most important cache only earlier that day.

For now I am content to point out that stealing *everything* only makes it so that I will not replace it as soon or as much.

But the dilemma remains - should I relocate to remain hidden from all? Should I decide to hide only the most important and expect that everything else may disappear? Should I place traps just to see?



///// I decided to hide things which works well enough. Unfortunately I haven't hidden my base all that well, so if they decide to grief it, I won't be able to do much about it. The next change is the fact that I am building a huge structure made out of wood. I want it to be near spawn so people see it. Otherwise I would just make it on my singleplayer. Well, it has been burnt twice. It takes just a few clicks and it undoes hours of work. What's more I now know I am on a server with a regular griefer. Or, I should say, some kind of immature boy who has got something to prove, but doesn't know how. And he has two to four friends who follow along with a similar mentality.

I think I am resolved just to build it repeatedly. Same for the interior decorations (an arboretum) I may request a few things from the next mod that comes on. Either a supply of pine wood, or fire to be disabled, or my building to be protected. Once I finish it completely once I will photograph it, maybe show Tekker, and then not maintain it. (except perhaps a lazy sort of frame until it is destroyed beyond repair.)

/////

The end result is that the griefers turned from griefers to cheaters. I hid my caches, only to have them detected using a cheat instantly and destroyed. I built my structure only to have it burned over and over with no materials to replace it. (It takes about 6 hours to construct and 12 hours to finish I suspect. There wasn't even enough time to do that. I did request assistance from a mod, but due to me getting distracted and them not replying immediately, I never tried again. (sorry) I did have fun with learning about how the griefers think and I did come up with a really fascinating idea for grief-proof structures. Interestingly my small speaking up got myself noticed by Tekker and 88 whom added me to their steam friends. (!) What a surprise for incredibly asocial, lurker, me. Too bad I don't play any other games they play, else I would try crashing their party or at least speaking up once again. (knowing me literally, "once" again.)

Mind and Matter (Convoluted Communication)

Kant believes as I do that intention, meaning, will and internal reality is more important - morally speaking - than actual results. There is a lot about Kant that I can't speak for, but I know that often I do things specifically to alter my feelings or opinion about something. I mention this because it frequently leads me to good decisions and morals, but it also can make things very difficult and/or cause everyone involved all kinds of problems. A simple example would be that I have a necklace I shaped a positive meaning for, so while I wear it I draw strength from it, fortifying my own mind and attitude. It makes it easier to think in a better, "wholer" way. And an example for the other direction would be how I have such difficulty beginning conversations. I wonder at my own reasons for doing so, the response, how I'd react to the response, and all the rippling implications it could have until it is unbearably important. Then I cannot say a thing because it would be wrong to do something I think of as so important and cause all kinds of trouble for myself and others by my overblown imaginings, when I should believe that it is altogether a small affair. It is easy for me to act so, but I have to believe so too to avoid generating harm.

Sometimes on my way back to my room from class, I will stop and do something for the sake of doing it more than anything else. Sometimes it is stopping to watch the clouds or the wind or the birds. Often I have a logical reason, but usually what causes me to do it is more than a reason. It's usually my own brand of spiritual and the only religion I live by.

The frame of mind will emerge suddenly, unprovoked, and when I feel it I always follow it in one way or another. Occasionally I will be unable to pursue it in the most natural way - going off to watch the sunset for example - but I can instead whisper in my mind regrets and promises while letting the experience as I have the limited time to feel it, wash over me. Usually I do have the chance to set aside everything else and fall into the experience completely. It's more than reason, it's more than emotion; though they both play a large part in it. I can feel the wonder of the entire world, marvel at all its logical feats of greatness, but it's not just that. It is profound, it's tied to Truth as I most value it, and it is a sense of oneness. Not connectedness, for that would imply separate parts linked together, but a sense of how everything is intimately the same. How I fit into the world, how the world fits around me. How everything is unimaginably large and cruelly complex while also being surprisingly easy, simple and personal.

Black and white is wrong. Perspective, openness, and sight make it easy to see how everything is not one thing, but many. Almost all our words are applied as if they are absolutes, but even the smallest side-steps in perception make it obvious that nearly nothing we describe as absolute, is. I dislike this attitude and ignorance of the multiple perspectives almost as much as I love to learn more and enjoy as many perspectives as I can for everything I encounter.

I used to think that is was obvious to everyone that there are always 10 sides to any one thing, and that for practical purposes they had found a good way of approaching things in life and just set aside the other viewpoints for practicalities' sake. I thought my interest and childish love of toying with as many perspectives as possible was known, shrugged off, and just acknowledged as just my quirky personal enjoyment. Some comments made by a muni I know, (I still consistently avoid saying muni's name to others, even when speaking to myself. There are many reasons for this, some of which I know, many of which I don't.) however, have made me wonder if perhaps this interest of mine is unique in it's strength but also it it's existence.

This makes me lonely and sad to imagine. Do so few enjoy the benefits of knowing multiple perspectives on everyday things? Though if it were true I'd also feel like I have something valuable that comes easily which I can share with others.

This composition has a stream of consciousness element to it. All of the things I have mentioned so far I think are related in a fundamental way, however I am having difficulty voicing exactly what it is. My caring and desire to see every side of a thing as often as I can, is very closely linked to those instances in which I can enjoy the profound sense of meaning in anything in an almost spiritual mood that comes upon me. This too is not unconnected to the way mind and perception matters more than simple actuality.

I'd turn down any good thing if taking it would mean I would taint my mind for it, and if I could find a way to accept it without scratching my sensibilities then no harm would be done, and I would do it. Even if the actions themselves are identical or opposite in all cases.
If you are imagining direct implications then that is not what I am talking about. It's not like the simple case of - "if I accept this bribe money I can save 100's, but I would be doing a bad thing and feel guilt for a long time afterwards" No. My thoughts would be more like, "If I accept this bribe money and save hundreds, would I be doing the best thing in this circumstance? Yes? Then I will do so." I may feel guilt after the fact, but I sincerely doubt it. I believed I was doing the right thing with the knowledge I had at the time. Whether or not I am doing a bad thing doesn't matter in the end, just that I act in the best faith I can. Nor does the knowledge of doing "something" wrong matter much, as long as it is the best option.
I guess I would look at both option, weigh the good and bad results of each (guilt for promoting bad actions and benefiting strangers, no guilt, no promotion of bad behavior, and no ability to benefit those strangers) then base the entire decision on doing what I believed was right. I would not find preventing bad action on my part to overrule everything, for fear that I will ruin my mind in this way. Nor would I consider the reality of actually helping those 100 strangers the important part of the decision. Rather my belief in it and my intention to choose the best option I had would determine the actions morality and course. For this same reason I am determined to make the choice I believe is right always and without fail. Only then would I feel guilt and then I would have really hurt my mind in an irreparable way.
Then, what I am saying comes down to this: the reality of something being bad or not does not matter. My belief that it is good or bad does. Simultaneously, it does not matter if I do something bad or sacrifice something good if it for the sake of intending something better. Knowledge after the fact to the contrary is mostly if not completely irrelevant.

All of this I think simple and obvious, (though not necessarily easy to comprehensibly voice) but I am not sure it's so.